Suicide Girls Must Die! (2010)

Seeing as I honestly had little to no idea whatsoever as to what to expect from "Suicide Girls Must Die!," I went into it with a fairly open mind. I thought the concept was a fascinating one, and perhaps at the very least it might be shockingly difficult to watch as these poor girls are put through this situation where they actually think they're being killed off one by one. Maybe it would be a borderline tasteless exercise in exploitation that would provide some discussion afterwards or produce a sense of dirtiness which would be unpleasant yet would still be an effective emotional response. Or on the other hand it could simply be really bad.

I'll give you a guess which one it was, but the answer is fairly obvious.

Yeah, it was pretty bad. There may have been an effective movie in here somewhere, or a decent social experiment to be found and documented, but "Suicide Girls Must Die!" is not it. What it is in truth is simply an episode of any random crappy faux-reality TV show with a lot of female nudity injected into it. So I don't know, maybe someone could enjoy that. At least the nudity anyway.

I must admit that aspect was well-executed and abundant.

The way "Suicide Girls Must Die!" was marketed was that of the "world's first reality horror movie." Twelve models from SuicideGirls.com go to a cabin in the woods for a photo-shoot, only to start disappearing in mysterious ways that imply death. It's pretty clear to us that it's a setup and that nobody is actually dying, but the rest of the girls that are left don't know that. So eventually there's only a few girls remaining, and in between getting naked they freak out a lot before running around in the woods like idiots and thinking everyone is dead before the reveal at the end of "Hey, everyone is alright, ha ha ha you guys are assholes, let's go home."

"Damn this unholy acting talent!!!"

That may sound intriguing but honestly it's just boring. The film is essentially an endless cycle of girls bitching about how much the other girls annoy them, then going through several stages of undress and then doing photo-shoots where they just dispense of clothes all together, then the one that just did the shoot disappears, the others bitch about the fact that the boss doesn't seem worried about finding her, they bitch some more and then the circle continues unbroken. It's like looking at a Playboy that yells at you every time you turn the page while it takes pulls of Captain Morgan straight out of the bottle.

It's also more than a bit confusing. I, being the idiot that I am, kept trying to determine whether or not the girls knew what was happening. At first it's just slightly plausible that it's for real, but while I'm positive there was never any actual script to be found here it's clear by the end that there's no way everyone didn't know what was going on. Although some of the acting is surprisingly good for the subject matter, it's clear that's all it is: an act. The biggest tell was the fact that nobody ever acknowledges the cameras following them around, including when they're running for their lives or stranded in a boat.

"Damn. If only there were somebody standing on the shore filming us, we could ask them for help."

I know it's a silly thing to ask for any kind of actual innovation or boundary pushing when it comes to what is essentially an hour and a half long promo for a borderline soft-core porn website, but "Suicide Girls Must Die!" can't seem to decide if it wants to be a horror movie or just lite spank material. There are horror elements, but none are followed through with. We get several setups including desecrated graves, a crazy man in the woods, a potentially murderous hillbilly and even a sheriff who doesn't like them much. Each one of these possible causes is given a single scene and then never mentioned again. There's never a clear cut villain or causation as to the setup of the girls disappearing.

And even when the girls are seen "dead," it's for we the viewers, and not the remaining girls. The bodies are always out in the middle of the woods away from everyone else, never to be seen, which begs the question: "If this is supposed to be a setup then why did they go to all that trouble of lynching that one girl up in a tree and filming it if none of the girls being messed with ever see it?"

All that just kills whatever premise or suspension of disbelief that this film attempted to have. Whatever. I'm thinking about it too hard. Just look at the boobs. It's what this thing exists for. I guess I can accept that. And I must admit..."Suicide Girls Must Die!" is spectacular at showing us boobs.

Wait. There's an actual trailer for this thing? That...honestly surprises me.

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Suicide Girls Must Die!" is a boring collection of admittedly very attractive tattooed and pierced girls getting naked in the format of a bad reality TV show. If you're a 13-year old boy this will be like a religious experience, I'm sure. No judgement, we've all been there. But for the rest of us, if you just want to see boobs, there are better and less time-consuming ways to do so.