Don't Be Afraid of The Dark

I like Guillermo Del Toro. I really do. I think he's made some fantastic movies, most notably "Pan's Labyrinth" which was just incredible. That being said, there's a lot of "Guillermo Del Toro Presents" movies out which are not nearly as good as the stuff he puts out himself. Apparently he'll executive produce any kind of half-ass production, but he saves the good stuff for himself. Makes sense I suppose. I suppose in that way he's a lot like Spielberg. Except, you know, Del Toro can still make a good film if he wants to. I think Spielberg has forgotten how, or has become so enamored with himself that you could replace him with a "Spielberg Directing Robot-3000" and not notice too much of a difference. But anyways, that's not what I came to talk about.

"Don't Be Afraid of The Dark" is a "Del Toro Presents" production, and much like "Pan's Labyrinth," it has an air of classic fairy tale told in a dark, disturbing fashion. And like "Pan's Labyrinth" it has a little girl be the focus of the terror as the creatures in the eponymous "Dark" are out to get her. Unlike "Pan's Labyrinth" however, it's not very good. In fact, it was pretty bad.

There needs to be a name for horror movies that try and pass off stuff that isn't scary or just comes off as ridiculous as horror. I'm talking movies like "Paranormal Activity," where pots falling and footsteps down a hallway constitute 90% of the "scares," or "Night of The Lepus" with the giant killer bunnies (look it up) or god help you, "The Happening." Although to be fair "Don't Be Afraid of The Dark" could have used Markie Mark talking to a plastic plant.

"DBAOTD" as I'll call it now to save time, has its problem in the fact that the monsters in it are absurdly stupid. The best way to describe them is...well, just look at them.

Really? That's the effect you all were going for with this? The thing looks like Gollum's bowel movement. It looks like Bib Fortuna after getting his stupid head tails removed. It looks like a squirrel screwed a dust bunny.

And the most absurd part of this is the fact that they are like, 7 inches tall, max. There's no way these things weigh more than 2 lbs. But they're swarming all over people with little pointy objects they've found while the victims flail around like idiots going AAAAH!! WAAAGH! NO! AAAAAH!!

Dude. Step on them. Seriously.

It boggles my mind that they were able to make these things into villains. If they were poisonous that would be one thing. If they were immortal or something that would be one thing. If they could stack together like Voltron or merge into a a huge uber-version of themselves like Station, that would be something. But they don't. They just swarm over people and concoct little devious traps for their victims that all involve tripping them somehow. But then again, how else are they supposed to get them down to their level? Guess they've got me there.

The bottom line is that it just wasn't scary, because it was too stupid. Although it was hilarious seeing one of them lift half of a broken scissor (which was about as big it as it was) over its head while "roaring" in its squeaky little voice like a miniature Uruk-Hai that Saruman made because he was bored. That mess was hilarious, but I don't think I was supposed to have laughed.

But seriously. Lift your foot, and punt that thing through the nearest vestibule. Sit on it. Stick it in a blender. It wouldn't be difficult. The Smurfs could take these guys.

BOTTOM LINE: Laughably stupid on top of being formulaic, but at least it wasn't PG-13.