The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2009)

(This was a Facebook note of mine from December 2011 that I'm posting here in anticipation of seeing the remake. I'm not excited about it, for reasons that will be made clear soon.)

Be forewarned: The things I am about to say may upset some people. Just know I'm not looking to start a fight on teh intarnets, or cause ye olde Dramae. These things may be especially upsetting to fans of Stieg Larson's novels, because I know that a lot of people really enjoyed them. I, on the other hand, did not. And darn it, there are some things I have just have to throw out there like so much gasoline on a fire. I am expecting smoke.
Let's clear some things up quickly before I begin, because I know there a couple things that some folks may call me out on immediately.
1) No, I did not care for the novel, "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo." In fact, much to my (eventual) shame, I didn't even finish it. I made it about 200 pages, then "rage-quit" when I just couldn't take Larson's plodding, over-blown, spinning in circles, full-of-itself style for one more sentence. It really was Larson's writing that I couldn't stand more than anything else, and the same thing happened to me and Dean Koontz. In fact, the only Koontz novel I attempted ("The Face" I believe it was called) only lasted 7 pages with me before I said "Good god, do you suck, Dean. Bye."
Anyways, I say "eventual" shame because in all honesty, I was glad that I stopped reading it. I really was, and I still am. I loathed nearly every sentence in that book from page 1, and I think it's a credit to my stamina that I made it as far as I did. Of course, nobody will EVER listen to your opinion about a book if you didn't finish reading it. Hence my "eventual" shame. Everybody was talking about this book, and when the topic of my dislike of it comes up, it's impossible for me to defend my position. How can I? I didn't finish it. I am not worthy of opining in any kind of negative way, because I didn't even get the whole experience, they say.
And you know something? They're right.
So I'm not going to talk about the book. I'm talking about the movie. So if anyone has a problem with my problems based on the old standby "Well in the BOOK you find out-" No. You know what? I don't care. Larson could have turned the book into "Salem's Lot" meets "The Jetson's" in the last act and I still wouldn't care. If my opinion on the book is totally negated by my not finishing it, than it shouldn't matter anyways, should it? After all, since I am not ALLOWED to have an opinion of the book, anything involving it is null and void in my discussion of the film.
2) I am NOT making light of rape. This will become more clear later, but I'm just throwing this out right here, right now. It's a very sensitive subject dealing with a terrible, terrible thing, but some may be offended by my words, which may be read as insensitive or overly cynical. That is not my intention - I'm just bringing up my issues with the way the film deals with the subject, which I consider to be valid points.
3) I realize that because I'm a man, some may say I have no right to be bringing up these points about rape, because it couldn't happen to me. I would like to say "Bullshit."
I have an anus. I could be raped. And anyone who would claim that somehow rape happening to a woman is somehow worse that it happening to a man is a fairly big hypocrite. Don't forget your Dr. Seuss: "A person's a person."
(My god, I wrote "anus," "raped," and quoted "Dr. Seuss" in the same paragraph. I write weird things when I'm tired.)
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Before talking about the main point, one thing I must get out of the way is this: Is this not the most stupid mystery of all time? Is it just me? Because this mystery, the whole point of the film (well, besides rape, which we'll get to) is that a girl went missing 40 years ago. She has never been found. Her uncle believes that one of his evil family killed her. Her dad was a Nazi who raped her (of course), her brother was even worse than that, her mom was a terrible, evil woman, and basically almost everyone in this family is an evil S.O.B.The girl once gave the uncle a pressed flower for his birthday. She would do this every year. It has continued...even after her disappearance. The uncle thinks her murderer is taunting him. At no point does it cross ANYONE'S brain stem that she may have done something like...oh I don't know...RUN AWAY FROM HOME.Well, guess what? That's exactly what happened. The dumb-ass didn't have the thought that her sending him a flower EVERY YEAR SINCE SHE DISAPPEARED was her telling him she was alright. No, he thought the killer was taunting him. That's dumb.(BTW, spoiler alert ::trollface-I-don't-care-if-I-ruined-it-for-you-it-was-so-freaking-obvious::)

"I'm here for my Stabbing Westward audition..."

Anyway, on to the awkward stuff that might get people mad at me. I would like to start by diving headfirst into the main problem I have with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: rape. Yeah, we're just diving right in there, getting it out in the open. Rape. It's a nasty word. It's nasty to even type. Almost as if by typing it my words are tainted. But my problems are not what you might expect. I don't have a problem with the fact that there is rape in this film (as horrible of a thing as that is to say). I'm not even upset that there is lots and lots and lots of all manner of sexual abuse towards women in this film.

My problem is that the film LOVES IT.

Oh yeah. It's true. As much as the film preaches, pontificates and soapboxes all over the place about how much women are all victims just seemingly waiting to get jumped at any given moment, it's almost like it gets off on it, as disgusting as that analogy is.

There are so many occasions in this film were a female character gets molested or raped, or brings up the fact that they were molested or raped at some point(s) that it goes beyond shocking or disturbing, and just becomes ridiculous. Lisbeth, the eponymous "heroine," is assaulted by a gang, forced to perform oral sex, beaten, and raped. And that's not all at one time, mind you. That's spread throughout the film. The bad guy is also planning on raping her before he murders her, and her father also raped her when she was a child (although that's more implied). Lovely, movie. Perhaps you can mutilate her some while you're at it. Maybe whip her a bit? I don't feel DEFILED enough yet. I mean, as long as we're being disgusting over here, why not? Oh wait, I forgot, you whip her at one point, too. Well done.

It seems to me that the film is at its most "alive" when Lisbeth is getting victimized. The rest of the story is a really REALLY boring who-done-it. But when Lisbeth is getting assaulted, it's almost as if I can see the director hunched over behind the camera, licking his lips as he grins while thinking to himself, "Yes, YES! We will make this so brutal and horrible to watch that Lisbeth will be able to do ANYTHING we want to people, and they'll still think of her as a strong female character! Now, let's find the biggest thing she can field-goal-kick up that guy's asshole!"

Pictured above: Subtlety

See, I get it. I really do. A guy does something horrible to you, you want revenge. That's fine. I understand. And the revenge she takes on the guy who raped her (in the movie, god knows how many times Stieg Larson wrote that she has been raped in the books) is savage and ironic, and I'm sure it was cathartic for anybody in the theater who had ever been assaulted. But you know what else is a good revenge? CALLING THE GOD DAMN POLICE AND HAVING HIM ARRESTED.

She had him on video tape. I'm going to repeat that. She taped him raping her. There's no mystery. He would go to jail. For a long time. He'd probably get get the Swedish Meatballs raped out of him in the showers there. I think that's also ironic and cathartic.
You see, for me, the idea of a strong, positive character is one that chooses to not be a total psychopath. And for those who would argue that Lisbeth is not a total psychopath, she set her dad on fire. Seriously. Of course, this is after he raped her (I think. I know for a fact he at least abused her mom. Of course.). All I'm saying is that there are places called prison, and it's where normal people like to send bad people. They don't immolate them.
But no, since The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is a revenge fantasy, we have Lisbeth, who has the entire universe out to rape her. As a man, it actually made ME feel like something of a victim. I've never raped anyone. I've never known anyone who has raped anyone. But according to this film, there's a roughly 127% chance that I'm a total rapist sleazebag. I'm sure if I had seen this in the theaters, any eyes belonging to women leaving the building would have been drilling into the back of my skull, trying to see the filth oozing through my sick, twisted, penis-owning black-hearted self.
So can Lisbeth just be a psycho and we call it even? Sure. Of course. Plenty of literary characters have been total psychos, but seldom are they portrayed to be good people. My problem is this:
From the beginning, it is clear that we are meant to not only identify with her, but we are meant to like her and root for her.
We are meant to cheer a character who does these monstrous things to people. Someone violated her. She violates him right back. Huh. That kind of makes her just as bad as him, doesn't it? Go team, Lisbeth. Truly your eye-for-an-eye policy will give 20/20 vision to us all.
I can see her trial now: Lisbeth Salander arrested for the deaths of 3 people, found not-guilty by reason of "she-was-raped-that-one-time." YOU ARE FREE TO GO! Hooray!
And the weirdest thing is that she really doesn't feel like she's even from the same story. She's got this "Hackers" meets "Death Wish" meets "The Sex Pistols" thing going on, so she's obviously the most interesting character. Of course, when you look at the rest of the characters they are so bland and vanilla they would make William H. Macy wearing a plaid tie look like Ziggy Freaking Stardust. I couldn't help but think to myself at several times throughout the movie, as she is sitting there looking gloomy while furiously typing on her laptop doing HACKER THINGS (TM), "I'm sorry, why are you here again?"
Oh right. The rape. We can't NOT have the rape.