In Time (2011)

Oh I was not looking forward to "In Time." I mean, yes Justin Timblerlake is what he is. He's just there, eternally being Justin Timberlake. It's not his fault. And the movie even has Cillian Murphy, who I really like a lot. No, it's wasn't those two I was worried about. What scared me is Amanda Seyfried. I swear to everything and anything holy, she is like the harbinger of doom to any movie she's in. If she's in it, it will suck. It's unholy the amount of pain she causes. She's like a natural disaster that needs to be stopped.


And what do you know? I hated "In Time." It was terrible. But it's the kind of terrible where I'm not sure that everyone would agree with me. You see, my problem is that I think too much about movies. It's called "analyzing" and despite what people have told me for years, no, it's not something to be ashamed of. It just means that I'm not the lowest common denominator that this film and other movies like it are playing to.


You cannot analyze stuff like "In Time." Your brain will melt. The basic idea is that in this world, time is currency. You stop aging at 23, and after that, you have a year. Instead of money in the bank, you have minutes on your clock. If your clock (that you're born with wtf) ever runs down to zero, you instantly drop dead, but as long as you have time, you live forever because...ummm....science I guess. So basically rich people live forever and poor people literally live minute to minute.


Here's a little taste of what goes on in my head during a movie like this:


"How did they genetically engineer every single person in this society to have a clock in their arm? What kills you when time runs out? How do you stop aging? Why would they limit it in such an obviously unfair fashion? How did time become the sole unit of currency? Why? Is this world-wide? Who implemented it? Why would anyone agree to it?  How did it ever get past Congress? Is this the United States? An alternate "stupid" dimension? Is time subject to inflation? Can you print more time? It seems like they would have to since it's constantly diminishing. But it seems like all it is is an electrical signal. If that's the case, instead of stealing it, why don't they hack one of those little machines to deal out more time whenever they want? WHAT HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS MOVIE!?"

At first I was all...

Can you see why these movies are painful to me? Sometimes thinking sucks.


As far as plot goes, J.T. lives in the ghetto "time zone" (har har) but due to a rather confusing and not very well connected series of events, he ends up with a hundred years to spend. His mom then promptly drops dead because of dramatic irony, and J.T. is off to the rich people's area, vowing revenge on...nobody in particular.


Umm, hey genius, maybe I'm not as smart as you, but what about taking it to the people who GENETICALLY ENGINEERED YOU TO DIE!? Instead of stealing from rich people, why don't you try to stop this from happening anymore? What about finding a way to stop you from instantly dying when your clock reaches zero?


Anyway, it's at the rich people's zone that J.T. runs into Amanda Seyfried, or as I shall call her, Squeaky McShorty. They decide together that he needs to become Robin Hood of Time, and she needs to rebel against her daddy issues. She's another one of those entitled brats that movies love to have that feel that the fact that they have a free ride to life (in this case, eternal life) means that they are totally shackled, a prisoner in their own body. She needs to fly free like a bird! The terms "gift horse," "mouth," and "shut the hell up" seem appropriate.


What gets me is that evidently, J.T. and Big Eyes McBadhaircut are the only two people in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD who decided to do something about this ridiculous system and stick it to the proverbial "man." Are you kidding me? If there's one thing people love doing, it's complaining. They will riot in the streets opposing a ridiculous non-issue like gay marriage, but apparently in this universe, something that will cause their imminent death is not something they feel they need to get all that worked up over.


I'm not joking, either. There's no rioting in the ghetto. People really don't even get that mad. Banks have basically no security. J.T. and Slack-Jaw No-Act just drive through a window and, meeting literally no opposition, just walk out with a few thousand years worth of time.


Oh, but that's not the first time. They've been doing this for six days at that point. I'll repeat that. Six days. They have officially gone on a crime spree, and bank security has not gone up one. single. bit. Someone get me David Cronenberg because that just blew my mind.

Then I was all...

Although the plot was grinding to my nerves like broken glass on a burn wound, what really floored me was the absolutely gut-punchingly bad dialogue. It was bad enough hearing J.T. attempt to pull of such gems as "No one should be immortal if one person has to die" with the same gravity as William Wallace saying "Every man dies. Not every man really lives." Although that was funny, the real mind benders came from Big-Lashes Von-take-off-your-damn-heels-so-you-can-run-faster. At one point, while balking at the thought of remaining rich, ergo living as long as you want, this brain genius says:

"Do I really want to live the rest of my life trying to not die by accident?"


That is bone-crushingly stupid. YES, YOU DUMB COW!!! Not dying by accident is one of the significantly major goals of life in general! If you're not doing that, what the hell is the alternative? Sticking your fingers in light sockets, licking strange colorful toads or taunting a bear while having fresh salmon in your underpants? Is she saying that she finds the thought of behaving in a manner that natural selection over the course of thousands of years has deemed worthy of allowing a species to continue to live offensive?


Clearly, this film is not for me. I have a natural aversion to movies like this. "Movies like this" in this case meaning "movies that require you to ask NO QUESTIONS." The concept is just so reality-bending stupid when looked at with any kind of reason or logic that it really makes it impossible for me to enjoy, because every 15 seconds, I'm asking another question about this ridiculous, poorly defined world.


I know that it's supposed to be allegorical, and you're not supposed to think about it any deeper than "what if the saying 'time is money' was literal?" will allow you think about it. But you know what? I can answer that, and it will certainly be a shorter, better answer than the hour and 40 minutes that "In Time" took.


If time was indeed money, it would be really, really, really stupid.

But by then my sexy was back, so I was all...

THE BOTTOM LINE - There is a market for this kind of movie. I'm just not it, and I can admit that. However, if you saw and liked "Source Code" or "The Adjustment Bureau," you'll probably like "In Time," because they all require the same amount of blind, turn off your rational brain acceptance. For those who like to think about what they're watching, skip it.