Underworld Awakening (2012)

Four days. That's it. That's all it took for me to pretty much forget most of what happens in this movie. I usually like to write these as soon as I see the film, so that it's fresh in my mind, but due to work I've been unable to find the time these last few days to write this up. Plus I had also seen "The Grey" that same night as a double feature with a friend of mine, and I was so excited over that fantastic movie that I wrote the review for that, and left this one for later. Mistake.

I've got nothing for this. It's just that...it's just not really worth talking about. In four days, I've forgotten almost everything about the plot. That could be enough of a review right there, I suppose. But I'll dig deep and try to remember enough to write...something.

Have you seen the other movies? Yes? Good. Because if you haven't, don't bother. You will be so utterly lost without the rest of the films that it would be like solving a Rubik's Cube in the dark. It starts off right after the second movie, in fact there's a little montage of the goings of the rest of the series up to this point, which was a nice reminder but man, does it go by quick. The general gist was conveyed but I was kicking myself for not re-watching the others beforehand.

Of course, that begs the question "would I want to re-watch them?" Meh. I guess. I was never really a big fan but they're passable entertainment if all you want to see is Kate Beckinsdale in tight leather shooting werewolves. Ok, fair enough, few people wouldn't want to see that, but it's basically Blade with boobs. And that's ok, too. I'm just up for any movie where the vampire doesn't mope.

I thought the first "Underworld" was just so-so but "Underworld Evolution" I actually liked quite a bit, just because it stopped the talking (which is always really dull with vampires because they are all so stock) and was essentially an hour and a half long chase scene with a lot of action and a cool villain. That's really all you need sometimes. "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" is actually my favorite of the series for two reasons. First, it replaced Kate Beckinsdale with Michael Sheen as the main character (yay!) and second, it was really reminiscent of a cheesy, B-grade horror flick that Hammer Films would make or something. The one thing it desperately needed was Christopher Lee. The man did "Howling 2: Stirba Werewolf Bitch" but this is beneath him? Come on!

GTFO.

"Underworld Awakening" has a lot in common with "Underworld Evolution." At the core, they're both essentially chase movies, with Kate Beckinsdale and friends running away from the "big bad" of the moment. This time out, it's both the humans and the Lycans (but more so the Lycans), who want Selene and her daughter because...well there wouldn't be a movie otherwise.

The idea is that the Lycans have found a way to become more powerful, essentially getting rid of their vulnerability to silver. For this, they need Selene's daughter, a test tube baby who is a hybrid between vampire and Lycan. Beyond that, I was a little hazy on the plot. It really was just a vehicle for blowing stuff up. And that's fine, I guess.

There's a whole lot of squatting going on in this movie.

The biggest problem was that while the "Underworld" series has always been about the flashy, over-stylized action, "Awakening" kind of got obnoxious with it. Maybe it's because it was filmed for 3-D, so everything has to be in-your-face and slow motion so we can actually see what's happening. It occurs to me that the same thing happened to the "Resident Evil" series when it got to the forth film, the first one to be in 3-D. That movie was a lot like "Awakenings" in terms of style of action, and to be honest, it just gets old and boring. And I know it's been said before, but what it all boils down to is that it looks like you're playing a video game.

At least in "Underworld Evolution" the action was a bit more...how do I put this...there. You dig what I'm saying? It was there and it had a purpose. Not as much CG, not as much slow motion, not so over-stylized. I mean, don't get me wrong, that stuff was there but it seemed much more restrained and responsible with it. "Underworld Awakening" is the Mythbusters blowing up a car with 50 lbs of C-4 and showing the high-speed playback. They do it just because they can.

And here's the part where I once again become a nit-picking jerk. Why do vampires in this series use guns? Vampires have super-human strength. Can you imagine the kind of damage a vampire swinging around a two handed great-sword at mach 2 would do? Selene shows that off right in the beginning when she takes out like 5 guys in about half a second with a scalpel. And what does she do after? She gets a gun, and proceeds to hit a target once for every 10 bullets she fires, if that. Dude, you're a vampire, use your abilities!

Oh, you say werewolves getting too close is no good? Ok, then. Whips. Silver coated whips with like silver barbs on them. Twirl those things around you, keeping the werewolves at a distance, and you're in business without having to reload anything. And why don't humans just fight vampires with flashlights? Ultraviolet light kills them straight up dead. Throw in a flash bang that gives off UV light. Use searchlights. They can't dodge that, yo. Why are you shooting them with bullets? Use your heads.

Underworld Awakening in four words: "Bang! Bang! Grrr! Pow!"

I could go on with more nitpicks. That's really all I have. "Underworld Awakening" didn't leave enough of an impression on me to do anything expect nit-pick it to death. Why did nobody ever notice that the cop character was a vampire? Why are Selene's clothes kept in a "Break In Case of Emergency" glass case next to the tube she was frozen in for 12 years when they never intended to let her out? Why did they keep her clothes in the first place? Why does Selene's daughter look like Bilbo Baggins' scary face when she is in her monster form? Why are there ancient castle-like ruins and crypts inside a modern dam? Why does shooting a hole in the bottom of a heavy object falling on you reduce the force of its impact? Why do guns carry 227 rounds? Why is the main Lycan villain taken out with a gag ripped straight from the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie? Why does this movie just stop without any closure whatsoever?

 AND WHERE THE HELL IS CHRISTOPHER LEE!?

THE BOTTOM LINE: Fans of the series will probably find enough to get them through it with some entertainment, but I'm guessing most would probably consider it the weakest of the series, especially considering its ridiculous non-ending. Overall, very forgettable and unimpressive. Only recommended if you really need to continue the story. Otherwise, skip it.