Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

I think I was the only person on the face of this big, wide planet who didn't hate "Van Helsing." Seriously, it wasn't that bad. It was loud and stupid and had a bit too much CGI, true, but it had a lot of fun action, it was sleek and stylized, and it was loaded with homages to the classic Warner Bros. monster movies. I saw it as a love letter to those films, and I was down with that. Why everybody hated it I'm honestly not sure. Between that and the fact that I apparently am the sole person who like the Benicio Del Toro remake of "The Wolfman," I guess I'm just a sucker for those movies. What can I say?

The only reason I bring "Van Helsing" up is because that's probably the first place your mind will go when first hearing about "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters." And if your opinion of "Van Helsing" was low to bad to "Put a bullet in my head to make the pain go away," which was a popular opinion based on conversations I've had, than there's not much hope for you with "Hansel and Gretel." One reason being that the two films do share a relatively similar feel. The other (and likely more significant) reason being that between the two is that while I thought "Hansel and Gretel" was passably alright, I will say without hesitation that I liked "Van Helsing" better. Much better.

Just imagine "Van Helsing" as an R-rated buddy movie that can't decide whether or not it's action/horror or action/comedy, which has an odd penchant for exploding heads, directed by a guy who seemingly really wants to be Timur Bekmambetov . Then you've basically got "Hansel and Gretel." Speaking of Timur, there's more than a little hint of "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" here, although this film isn't nearly as boring as that (literal) train wreck was.

Dude, I didn't know Marduk was in town! Play Throne of Rats!!!

Everything you need to know about the plot you can guess from the poster. Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) are two siblings who kill a witch when they were younger after stupidly going into a house made out of candy. Since their parents get killed during the whole debacle, they decide death-dealing is their calling in life, and they go around the countryside like the Ghostbusters, riding the world of witches wherever they find them.

And, like "Van Helsing," naturally they have an arsenal of anachronistic weaponry of the "almost steampunk" variety which make no sense at all given the setting. At least with that movie it was KIND of plausible. They laid out the foundations of how Van Helsing's automatic crossbow worked, and conceptually it made sense. Here though, the weapons and tech are just kind of there without any reason or sense. But hey, what are they going to do? NOT give Hansel a large clip, semi-automatic shotgun made from vague Dark Ages technology that looks like it came out of "Gears of War?" We wouldn't have a movie without that.

"Where does he get those wonderful toys?"

You can sing the rest of it along with the movie as it goes. They are called to a town having a witch problem, they stop a girl from being unjustly burned as a witch even though it's so horrifyingly obvious she's going to turn out to actually be a witch later, they investigate, things get out of control, lots of townsfolk die, they find out things about their past which would have been surprising had I not seen them coming half an hour beforehand, they learn not all witches are evil, they have a final confrontation with the bad witches, they win, roll credits.

That's really the biggest problem with the film. It's really generic and doesn't do anything you haven't seen thousands of times before. The craft with which it was made is acceptable I suppose, but that isn't enough to make it interesting. You could get Christopher Nolan to direct a Spiderman origin story and it would still be boring as hell because shellfish on the ocean floor know the origin of Spiderman, and they're sick of seeing it too! It doesn't matter how well it's made.

Oooh, how edgy: A dark, gritty re-imagining. Viva la revolución.

Most people would see it for Jeremy Renner, being on everyone's hot list now for reasons that I guess I can understand. I guess. He's alright. I'm not as huge of a fan of his as other people are, but he reminds me of a young Gerard Butler. I think it's the way they both are always pursing their lips. It's annoying. Although between the two of them Renner is definitely the better actor. He's okay in "Hansel and Gretel" but it definitely comes across more like a paycheck movie.

The rest of the cast is either forgettable or bad, with the exception of Famke Janssen, who, in her vast hotness is both alluring and reasonably intimidating as the main baddie. That's unsurprising when you consider she played one of the best (and hottest) Bond girls ever, Xenia Onatopp. However, this film oddly enough contains another Bond girl with Gemma Arterton as Gretel, who was in one of the worst Bond films ever, "Quantum of Solace," and is an all-around horrible actress. I still have 'Nam flashbacks of her in "Prince of Persia" that makes me want to lobotomize myself with an egg beater.

And what's up with you dropping f-bombs all the time in this movie? It's really distracting.

And can I PLEASE go just a few months without having to sit through another freaking movie with Peter Stormare? I HATE that guy and his nasally, wheezing, "Where in the hell are you even from" accent. At least he gets his head crushed by a troll in the beginning of the second act. That was satisfying.

Man this movie was pretty dumb, now that I watch the trailer and am reminded all of I had forgotten.

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Hansel and Gretel" isn't offensively bad, but it's not very good. It's more forgettable than irritating. If an R-rated version of  "The Brother's Grimm" with an abundance of oddly out of place gore sounds appealing to you, go for it. Personally I would watch "Van Helsing" three times in a row before watching this again. But at least it had the good taste to be under an hour and a half. Can't fault them on that.