Never Say Never Again (1983)

I had an unexpected revelation while watching Sean Connery return once more in the non-Eon Bond entry, "Never Say Never Again." While watching it I was getting wicked deja vu all over the place, and I realized that I had seen it before, even though I'm not entirely sure I had known what I was watching at the time. I got flashbacks to watching the ever loving crap out of this movie as a kid, most likely on TNT or HBO. This was before I knew who Sean Connery was or most likely even who James Bond was. It's entirely possible that "Never Say Never Again," the black-sheep of the series that isn't really talked about much, may have in fact been my first Bond movie.

Despite it's relative obscurity - it's absent in every Bond collection, doesn't count towards the official Bond Movie Number for currently unnamed sequels (aka "Bond 24") and is usually not mentioned very often when discussing the franchise - "Never Say Never Again" is in fact one of the better entries in the series is has been so unceremoniously rejected from for legal reasons. It's slightly silly, yes, and there are some moments of camp, but it's such a massive improvement over the paltry offerings given to us from the Roger Moore series that it's almost like stepping back into the 60's with "Goldfinger," only with an admittedly lousy soundtrack. As strange as it is to imagine, the Bond movie that is by all technicalities a knock-off happens to be one of the best of Sean Connery's.

Yeah, the dude looks good for his age, but he'd been wearing a toupee for like 20 years before this. I think we were just used to it.

The story finds an aging 007 in training after being told that he's essentially washed up and out of shape by M (Edward Fox). He's sent to a spa for a weekend in an effort to start whipping him back into form, but while there he survives an assassination attempt and uncovers an insidious plot to hijack nuclear warheads. Naturally SPECTRE and Blofeld (Max Von Sydow) are behind the plan, which involves an Air Force officer turning heel and going through surgery in order to pass off as someone else in order to get the missiles. The reason he's doing it is to try and save his sister, Domino (Kim Basinger) from the clutches of Max Largo (Klaus Brandauer), a high ranking member of SPECTRE and main villain for the film.

If all this sounds a bit familiar, that's because you've seen it before. "Never Say Never Again" is actually a remake of "Thunderball," and while I'm usually not on board with remakes I must say that this is a rare exception where the remake is far superior to the original. Unlike "Thunderball," "Never Say Never Again" is an action packed film which is actually somewhat exciting, and fixes almost everything that was weak in the original.

As I mentioned, the amount of action in this film is in much greater volume and intensity than the previous version, keeping in line with the general progression of the series. This is also in keeping up with the evolution of the action film, as it was made in the 80's. As we all know, by that point action films had become more frenetic and consistent in terms of action beats than movies in the 60's had been. But then again, back in the 60's a scene of 007 unpacking his suitcase and checking his hotel room for listening devices was apparently cause to have the James Bond theme swinging and roaring at full volume with the same intensity as when he's punching a bad guy off the top of a skyscraper that's on fire. So in those terms typing out "BOND SHOOTS SOMETHING" in the script more than once every 45 minutes would be an improvement as far as action goes.

You know what? You're right. This IS pretty funny. We do have fun.

One of the most amazing aspects of "Never Say Never Again" for me was the amazing underwater work done for it. The endless diving scenes in "Thunderball" were sandpaper on my eyeballs with how boring and painful to watch they were, but this film wisely cuts the underwater scenes by about 75%, has them much quicker paced and shorter in duration, and features the most unbelievable special effects work done with sharks that I've ever seen. I seriously don't know if those were all real sharks or not, but either that's the most incredibly trained sharks ever, or the most fantastic fake sharks ever. And if they were all real, I'm pretty sure some of them died.

"Hello, Bruce."

Connery is in fine form here, despite honestly being much too old for the role at this point. In his defense though, he wears "older action star" way better than Roger Moore did. It's also a relief to get that Connery swagger and badassery back after what I've had to deal with in the meantime. At least Connery looks like he can still throw a punch here. And when he is funny, it's actually funny because he's not mugging while doing it, unlike Roger Moore would.

For instance, there's a scene were Bond traps a guy in a closet, sticks his cigarette case in his hand and says something like "This is a bomb rigged with an incredibly sensitive gyroscope. If you move the slightest bit, they'll have to remove you with a mop and a hose." He then leaves for what is probably hours until he comes back later, grabs the case from the poor guy nearly passing out with pain from holding it up, says "Thank you," and leaves.

"Thesch thingsch will kill you, you know."

There's also a few scenes with a rookie Rowan Atkinson doing his thing before he was Mr. Bean. Some of the funnier moments in the film involve him as he bumbles his way through trying to be a secret agent. He and Connery have a pretty solid comedic repartee between the two of them, and seeing Connery messing with Atkinson's character gives me a good chuckle every time. And, playing the straight man, he does it without being goofy about it. Bond isn't a clown, he just has a slightly sadistic sense of humor.

Were it Moore doing it during Atkinson's shenanigans, he would have given a befuddled look at the camera or a raised eyebrow somewhere, or there would have been a musical sting the equivalent of a "Wah-wah-waaaaah" sound effect because heaven forbid we have a joke in a Bond movie without telegraphing the fact that you should be laughing like it's the secret word on "Pee Wee's Playhouse." But with Connery, he lets the dialogue and the scene speak for itself without needing that extra level of ham, which makes it actually funny. The mere inclusion of a gags in a Bond movie actually making me laugh is such a foreign concept to me after slugging through Roger Moore that I had forgotten what Bond being humorous was even like.

Kim Basinger is...another story. I've never been a big fan of hers, as I've never quite forgiven her for making the 1989 "Batman," an otherwise amazing movie, utterly obnoxious any time she's on screen during an action scene. And in "Never Say Never Again," it's roughly for the same reason: The screaming. Great Scatman Crother's ghost, Basinger is out of control with the damn screaming. And those of you who know what I'm talking about know exactly what I'm talking about. A gun fires. "AH!" She sees a bad guy. "AH!" A door opens. "AH!" She turns around. "AH!" Bond slaps her on the butt. "AH!" She's like Kate Capshaw in "Temple of Doom" only somehow more annoying.

Okay, maybe she's not THAT bad. But she's still like that damn dog next door that won't stop yapping.

I did like Klaus Brandauer alright as the villain. He's still not very memorable but at least he's slimy and has enough creepy moments that make him fairly threatening, especially during some pretty intense moments with him and Kim Basinger. That being said it's still fairly clear that he's not going to be much of a match for Bond when it comes down to the final fight. Even in Connery's advanced age it's pretty obvious he could kick this guy's ass. I don't care if he does own the world's most x-treme version of Risk.

Oh stop lying. You know damn well you're Javier Bardem.

There's only one big problem with "Never Say Never Again," and that's the music. Due to legal reasons the James Bond Theme couldn't be used, which hurts. In its place are a collection of slow, smooth jazz, keyboard driven tunes that utterly destroy any kind of macho tone that could have been produced. The opening theme is guilty of being one of the absolute worst opening songs ever, being another one of those soft ballads without any sense of excitement, bombast, sleaze or balls whatsoever. And I've always hated when Bond movies go soft on the theme song. Why it's played over top of an otherwise decent action sequence in the beginning is an absolute mystery to me, although it could make an interesting case study in failures of juxtaposition.

Other than that I would recommend "Never Say Never Again." It's actually quite a fun ride packed with a lot of action, a lot of good laughs, some fantastic effects work and the return of the man who is generally considered by most to be the definitive Bond. And it seemed like he was having a good time here, which translates very well off the screen and back to the viewer. This is a good time.

Here's the trailer. The music is so funky I can't even handle it.

THE BOTTOM LINE - Despite being a black sheep of the franchise, "Never Say Never Again" is a very solid entry in the Bond series. It's like the 60's Connery films, only amped up to 80's action movie proportions, and that's an awesome thing. I dare say his last ride is one of his better outings as 007.