The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2011)

You know that feeling you get when you're going to the dentist? You know, the one where you're walking into the room, sitting down in the chair, and you see all those nice, shiny, pointy instruments that will soon begin jabbing and poking and stabbing at your teeth and gums? You get this knot in the bottom of your gut, and this sinking feeling that you just plain don't want to be there? And even though you know that it will all be over before too long, it's still going to be a short period of your life that will be filled with lite torture...a short period of time you know you will never get back? Then you realize you're actually paying someone to do this to you?

That's not exactly the feeling I had going into the American remake of "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"...but it was close.

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I hated the Swedish trilogy based on Steig Larsson's "Millennium" series, since I've made my hatred clear and detailed. And although I respect the fact that a lot of people like them, I still stand by my position that the Swedish films are hateful, male-bashing yet at the same time misogynistic, sleazy, confusing shlock that features arguably the most despicable female protagonist I've ever seen, and for a series condemning rape as much as it does, it sure does seem to get off on it. I felt like I needed a shower after those films, and not in the good "A Clockwork Orange" way. So you can imagine, I was not looking forward to the remake.

So imagine my surprise when I found that the American version of "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" wasn't just far, FAR superior to the Swedish film, but I would go so far as to say that it was actually pretty good, and I found myself liking it a fair amount. Someone find the bolts to my neck, because my head is spinning at the thought.

Hard to believe, but she cleans up nice...

I've never done a 180 like this before. I can't remember the last time that an entry in a series, either a remake or a sequel, of a franchise I despised came out which drew such a positive reaction from me. Now, I'm not going so far as to say that I am now a fan of the franchise, because I'm not. Let me be clear - the mystery of the movie is still absurdly stupid. I still find Lisbeth Salander slightly irritating, even in this improved version. And I'm not about to rewatch the originals with a new sense of understanding and wonder...

But I cannot believe how much of a difference a better script and director can have.

Of course, from the beginning I knew that there was talent going on here. Director David Fincher has made some of my favorite movies ever, and although I feel he's been on a losing streak lately, I still see his movies when they come out, just because it's him. I'm not sure how much input he had with the script, but Fincher definitely had the right idea of how to make this film and seemingly get rid of or fix everything I hated about the original, almost like he read my blog.

The first thing they did was to cut back on the rape. Now, there's still rape in this movie, and it's still brutal, although I found it slightly toned down (but not by much). But they got rid of the rest of the assault and rape that was in the original. That really helped to make it not so in-your-face, obnoxious and exploitative.

The other BIG improvement was the casting. In the original Lisbeth was played by Noomi Rapace, who played her with all the humanity of a block of tofu left out in the sun for a week and slathered in hair gel. She was wooden, stiff, and looked almost bored most of the time. That is, except when she was being raped, which was roughly 87% of the time.

Now she's played by Rooney Mara, and while many mannerisms were carried over from Noomi's portrayal, notably the quick, cutting delivery of her lines and the slump-shouldered double-timing walk she has, Rooney manages to squeeze some humanity into this character. I think that overall it's a combination of her choosing to not act like a complete robot, and a script that isn't afraid to show her as something other than a walking ball of rage.

That shirt would make Joe Pesci proud.

The script does a lot to show Lisbeth as something other than a monster. It is obvious that was a very clear goal for this film. Lisbeth does have her psycho moments, no doubt, and she's still messed up in the head, but the remake changes her from a murderous psychopath who cares about nothing and would gladly stab you in the balls before talking to you, into a lonely victim who has had a rough life and has curled up inside herself, if only she could find someone who actually cared about her.

That's where I feel the stories have their priorities in different places. The original focused on Lisbeth's anger, while the remake focused on her isolation. And in the end, the isolation angle made me care about her much more. In fact, I felt sad for Lisbeth at the end of the film. I couldn't even fathom that before.

Bravo to David Fincher and the rest of the people who made this, because this is how this story should have been told in the first place.

I'm feeling slightly conflicted over my own feelings, though. Is it that I really enjoyed the film, or is it that I hated the originals so much that any significant improvement is enough to make me applaud and say "YES! THAT'S IT!" even though under normal circumstances I still may not have liked it?

I think too damn much.

THE BOTTOM LINE - I would actually recommend this film to people. I can't believe I'm saying that, but I am. If you've never seen the originals, don't. They're terrible. THIS is the version to see. The story is the same, but told through different filters. And based on discussions I've had with people about the books, this is probably closer to the feelings about the characters you are meant to have. Recommended. I'm shocked.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2009)

(This was a Facebook note of mine from December 2011 that I'm posting here in anticipation of seeing the remake. I'm not excited about it, for reasons that will be made clear soon.)

Be forewarned: The things I am about to say may upset some people. Just know I'm not looking to start a fight on teh intarnets, or cause ye olde Dramae. These things may be especially upsetting to fans of Stieg Larson's novels, because I know that a lot of people really enjoyed them. I, on the other hand, did not. And darn it, there are some things I have just have to throw out there like so much gasoline on a fire. I am expecting smoke.
Let's clear some things up quickly before I begin, because I know there a couple things that some folks may call me out on immediately.
1) No, I did not care for the novel, "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo." In fact, much to my (eventual) shame, I didn't even finish it. I made it about 200 pages, then "rage-quit" when I just couldn't take Larson's plodding, over-blown, spinning in circles, full-of-itself style for one more sentence. It really was Larson's writing that I couldn't stand more than anything else, and the same thing happened to me and Dean Koontz. In fact, the only Koontz novel I attempted ("The Face" I believe it was called) only lasted 7 pages with me before I said "Good god, do you suck, Dean. Bye."
Anyways, I say "eventual" shame because in all honesty, I was glad that I stopped reading it. I really was, and I still am. I loathed nearly every sentence in that book from page 1, and I think it's a credit to my stamina that I made it as far as I did. Of course, nobody will EVER listen to your opinion about a book if you didn't finish reading it. Hence my "eventual" shame. Everybody was talking about this book, and when the topic of my dislike of it comes up, it's impossible for me to defend my position. How can I? I didn't finish it. I am not worthy of opining in any kind of negative way, because I didn't even get the whole experience, they say.
And you know something? They're right.
So I'm not going to talk about the book. I'm talking about the movie. So if anyone has a problem with my problems based on the old standby "Well in the BOOK you find out-" No. You know what? I don't care. Larson could have turned the book into "Salem's Lot" meets "The Jetson's" in the last act and I still wouldn't care. If my opinion on the book is totally negated by my not finishing it, than it shouldn't matter anyways, should it? After all, since I am not ALLOWED to have an opinion of the book, anything involving it is null and void in my discussion of the film.
2) I am NOT making light of rape. This will become more clear later, but I'm just throwing this out right here, right now. It's a very sensitive subject dealing with a terrible, terrible thing, but some may be offended by my words, which may be read as insensitive or overly cynical. That is not my intention - I'm just bringing up my issues with the way the film deals with the subject, which I consider to be valid points.
3) I realize that because I'm a man, some may say I have no right to be bringing up these points about rape, because it couldn't happen to me. I would like to say "Bullshit."
I have an anus. I could be raped. And anyone who would claim that somehow rape happening to a woman is somehow worse that it happening to a man is a fairly big hypocrite. Don't forget your Dr. Seuss: "A person's a person."
(My god, I wrote "anus," "raped," and quoted "Dr. Seuss" in the same paragraph. I write weird things when I'm tired.)
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Before talking about the main point, one thing I must get out of the way is this: Is this not the most stupid mystery of all time? Is it just me? Because this mystery, the whole point of the film (well, besides rape, which we'll get to) is that a girl went missing 40 years ago. She has never been found. Her uncle believes that one of his evil family killed her. Her dad was a Nazi who raped her (of course), her brother was even worse than that, her mom was a terrible, evil woman, and basically almost everyone in this family is an evil S.O.B.The girl once gave the uncle a pressed flower for his birthday. She would do this every year. It has continued...even after her disappearance. The uncle thinks her murderer is taunting him. At no point does it cross ANYONE'S brain stem that she may have done something like...oh I don't know...RUN AWAY FROM HOME.Well, guess what? That's exactly what happened. The dumb-ass didn't have the thought that her sending him a flower EVERY YEAR SINCE SHE DISAPPEARED was her telling him she was alright. No, he thought the killer was taunting him. That's dumb.(BTW, spoiler alert ::trollface-I-don't-care-if-I-ruined-it-for-you-it-was-so-freaking-obvious::)

"I'm here for my Stabbing Westward audition..."

Anyway, on to the awkward stuff that might get people mad at me. I would like to start by diving headfirst into the main problem I have with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: rape. Yeah, we're just diving right in there, getting it out in the open. Rape. It's a nasty word. It's nasty to even type. Almost as if by typing it my words are tainted. But my problems are not what you might expect. I don't have a problem with the fact that there is rape in this film (as horrible of a thing as that is to say). I'm not even upset that there is lots and lots and lots of all manner of sexual abuse towards women in this film.

My problem is that the film LOVES IT.

Oh yeah. It's true. As much as the film preaches, pontificates and soapboxes all over the place about how much women are all victims just seemingly waiting to get jumped at any given moment, it's almost like it gets off on it, as disgusting as that analogy is.

There are so many occasions in this film were a female character gets molested or raped, or brings up the fact that they were molested or raped at some point(s) that it goes beyond shocking or disturbing, and just becomes ridiculous. Lisbeth, the eponymous "heroine," is assaulted by a gang, forced to perform oral sex, beaten, and raped. And that's not all at one time, mind you. That's spread throughout the film. The bad guy is also planning on raping her before he murders her, and her father also raped her when she was a child (although that's more implied). Lovely, movie. Perhaps you can mutilate her some while you're at it. Maybe whip her a bit? I don't feel DEFILED enough yet. I mean, as long as we're being disgusting over here, why not? Oh wait, I forgot, you whip her at one point, too. Well done.

It seems to me that the film is at its most "alive" when Lisbeth is getting victimized. The rest of the story is a really REALLY boring who-done-it. But when Lisbeth is getting assaulted, it's almost as if I can see the director hunched over behind the camera, licking his lips as he grins while thinking to himself, "Yes, YES! We will make this so brutal and horrible to watch that Lisbeth will be able to do ANYTHING we want to people, and they'll still think of her as a strong female character! Now, let's find the biggest thing she can field-goal-kick up that guy's asshole!"

Pictured above: Subtlety

See, I get it. I really do. A guy does something horrible to you, you want revenge. That's fine. I understand. And the revenge she takes on the guy who raped her (in the movie, god knows how many times Stieg Larson wrote that she has been raped in the books) is savage and ironic, and I'm sure it was cathartic for anybody in the theater who had ever been assaulted. But you know what else is a good revenge? CALLING THE GOD DAMN POLICE AND HAVING HIM ARRESTED.

She had him on video tape. I'm going to repeat that. She taped him raping her. There's no mystery. He would go to jail. For a long time. He'd probably get get the Swedish Meatballs raped out of him in the showers there. I think that's also ironic and cathartic.
You see, for me, the idea of a strong, positive character is one that chooses to not be a total psychopath. And for those who would argue that Lisbeth is not a total psychopath, she set her dad on fire. Seriously. Of course, this is after he raped her (I think. I know for a fact he at least abused her mom. Of course.). All I'm saying is that there are places called prison, and it's where normal people like to send bad people. They don't immolate them.
But no, since The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is a revenge fantasy, we have Lisbeth, who has the entire universe out to rape her. As a man, it actually made ME feel like something of a victim. I've never raped anyone. I've never known anyone who has raped anyone. But according to this film, there's a roughly 127% chance that I'm a total rapist sleazebag. I'm sure if I had seen this in the theaters, any eyes belonging to women leaving the building would have been drilling into the back of my skull, trying to see the filth oozing through my sick, twisted, penis-owning black-hearted self.
So can Lisbeth just be a psycho and we call it even? Sure. Of course. Plenty of literary characters have been total psychos, but seldom are they portrayed to be good people. My problem is this:
From the beginning, it is clear that we are meant to not only identify with her, but we are meant to like her and root for her.
We are meant to cheer a character who does these monstrous things to people. Someone violated her. She violates him right back. Huh. That kind of makes her just as bad as him, doesn't it? Go team, Lisbeth. Truly your eye-for-an-eye policy will give 20/20 vision to us all.
I can see her trial now: Lisbeth Salander arrested for the deaths of 3 people, found not-guilty by reason of "she-was-raped-that-one-time." YOU ARE FREE TO GO! Hooray!
And the weirdest thing is that she really doesn't feel like she's even from the same story. She's got this "Hackers" meets "Death Wish" meets "The Sex Pistols" thing going on, so she's obviously the most interesting character. Of course, when you look at the rest of the characters they are so bland and vanilla they would make William H. Macy wearing a plaid tie look like Ziggy Freaking Stardust. I couldn't help but think to myself at several times throughout the movie, as she is sitting there looking gloomy while furiously typing on her laptop doing HACKER THINGS (TM), "I'm sorry, why are you here again?"
Oh right. The rape. We can't NOT have the rape.