Immortals (2011)

Did you see "300" and think to yourself, "This is cool and all, but couldn't it have less action and more English accents?" Well, here you go.

"Immortals" is admittedly not trying to be "300" exactly, since there is more of an emphasis on plot than flat-out action. It still attempts to capture some the same slow-motion bad-assery that was the trademark of "300," but also tries raise the IQ by having a hero's journey of self-discovery at the same time. And ironically, taking "300" and making it less meat-headed is exactly what makes "Immortals" not as good. The reason for this is because while "300" knew exactly what it wanted to be, "Immortals" kind of wanders about in an unfocused fashion. For this reason, it ends up being far less memorable than "300."

Perhaps a better comparison (and a more forgiving one) would be the remake of "Clash of The Titans." The two films do have a lot in common, and I don't think it's a coincidence that "Immortals" came out before the sequel, "Wrath of The Titans," since the two movies look so similar that I'll bet a lot of people went into "Immortals" thinking they were actually seeing an R-rated "Clash of The Titans" sequel. And honestly, I kind of like that idea.

I'm imagining a series of movies about Greek mythology that weren't interconnected at all, and just doing their own unique thing as opposed to following the same characters again. I think that would make for a sweet series. Heck, you could have a whole series like "Halloween 3: Season of the Witch!" OK, bad example, But it would probably be best to stay as far away from "Clash of The Titans" as possible since that movie was crap.

Maybe if "Wrath of The Titans" sucks too we can just call "Immortals" the unofficial sequel and say "Well, at least the second one was a bit better."

The story of "Immortals" is the story of Theseus, played by Henry Cavill of "The Tudors" fame. He's a peasant secretly chosen by Zeus to be the savior of the world. Or something like that. You see, the world needs saving because Mickey Rourke is out on a rampage looking for a magic bow that would let him rule the world. Or something like that.

OK, so it's not actually Mickey Rourke on a rampage, it's King Hyperion as played by Mickey Rourke, although Mickey Rourke playing himself as a tyrant trying to rule the universe would be pretty awesome. He'd get my vote. Anyways, the Gods can't interfere with mortal affairs, so Theseus is trained to do their dirty work. Or something like that.

The Gods are also training Theseus to make more silly hats for them.

The problem I had with the plot was the fact that I really wasn't clear on what, if anything, Hyperion's plan was. It is foretold that this magic bow would allow him to rule the world, so he basically wages war on the earth in order to find it. Theseus ends up getting it, but our hero, after using the magic bow ONE TIME loses it. It falls into the hands of Hyperion. After that point, Theseus never lays his hands on the bow again.

That's right. This mystical weapon which the movie makes a huge deal out of is used a grand total of a single time by our hero. That's it. He immediately loses it, and the bad guy has it. Thrilling. Glad it was in the movie. But what does the bad guy do after acquiring this weapon which makes him unstoppable, even to the Gods?

I'll give you a guess. Does he: 

A) Lay waste to every capitol and demand the populous bow to him
B) Climb Mount Olympus and kill the Gods
C) Simply flash the bow at people and watch them kneel
D) Release ancient monsters that will destroy the world

If you picked D, the dumbest answer, you'd be correct. Hyperion uses the bow to unleash the Titans, ancient immortals long imprisoned in a mountain. Why he does this is an utter mystery to me, since it seems that ruling over a planet with nothing on it would really suck.

"I wish I knew what the hell I wanted..."

This event also leads to a rather troubling conundrum. Remember when I said Gods couldn't interfere with mortal affairs? There's an ancient law against it or something. That's the reason none of them just go down there and kill Hyperion. In fact, Zeus actually kills Ares because him and Athena went down to earth to get Theseus out of a jam. Of course, he doesn't kill Athena (hypocrite) and in fact, didn't do anything earlier when Poseidon sent a tidal wave to help Theseus (hypocrite). And when the Titans are released, Zeus and all the other Gods suit up and go down to earth and fight them.

Sooooo what was that about not interfering? Why did he kill Ares? Zeus has been giving Theseus kickboxing lessons for his entire life. I'd call that interference. It seems Gods are perfectly capable of doing this all the time with impunity. If I were Ares, I'd be pissed off for being the only person punished for the B.S. that everyone was doing to begin with.

The cast is pretty lukewarm at best. Cavill is annoyingly British for a Greek person, and the token no-personality love interest is little more than a cardboard cutout to be hauled around. Most troubling was Stephen Dorff, whom I had thought was relegated to only being cast in Uwe Boll films. I felt a little bit of vomit work its way up the back of my throat when he showed up as a roguish thief, doing his best Christian Slater impression. I was having wild "Alone In The Dark" flashbacks.

If you stuck a ferret in a bag of garbage and swung it over your head for 20 minutes, then opened up the bag, this is what you would see looking out at you.

Mickey Rourke is menacing enough I suppose, but he can't save the movie by himself. He's trying though, I'll give him that. His problem is that he's a boring villain because I had no idea what his motivations were. He wants to rule the world but he's trying to destroy it too? Is there a plan anywhere in that huge head of his?

But if there is one thing that will make me more upset than anything else, it's when a great actor is cast in a completely useless cameo. Stephen McHattie is in this movie for a grand total of 3 minutes and it was just frustrating, especially when chumps like Stephen Dorff are running around being smug. I've never understood wasting a great actor like that.

Watch "Pontypool." Just do it.

I think the best part of the movie, for me at least, was the ending. If they do decide to make another film, it's got a good lead in. But as is the case with most movies like this, it probably won't get a sequel. Honestly, I can't say I'm too upset about that.

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Immortals" wasn't bad, but it wasn't very good either. It's a bloody, R-rated version of "Clash of The Titans," which manages to be a little bit better. If that sounds like a good time, go for it. I can't see watching it again.