But mostly I was confused whether to call it the movie "IP Man" or "Eye-Pee-Man." Both are stupid sounding in any case, but "Eye-Pee-Man" just has that flow to it where you can imagine Jeff Bridges saying it.
"Lebowski, what do you even DO in that bathroom?"
"Well, you know, like, I PEE, man..."
Anyways, long story short is that I didn't watch it. I returned it, never having spent the time nor money on it. I guess one of the benefits of working at a video rental store is that you can feel like you really let that DVD know who was boss. That's right, you stupid hunk of plastic. I'm going to keep you sitting next to my PS3 for TWO WEEKS having never been touched! And that weird looking guy in the ratty tweed jacket that always smells like weed and moldy bagels who comes in every day to ask if you're in will have to wait a few more days before renting you! Take THAT!
It's the little victories in life.
It wasn't until I visited some good friends out of state that I actually got around to seeing "Ip Man." Looking for something to do, we stopped by a Family Video to get a movie none of us had seen before. "Ip Man" it was! My initial fears were still there, but I had the support of friends this time, and I felt that if it did indeed suck, we could probably salvage it with a good riffing.
Man, I'm glad I waited to watch it with friends. This movie ate.
Sometimes a good group of friends can make even the stupidest crap worth watching. Something so objectively bad like "The Room" or "Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus" or the unspeakable Lovecraftian horrors of "Howard The Duck" can be very entertaining if you've got some witty friends to bounce jokes off of. And boy, did "Ip Man" fit the bill in terms of bad. And it got a fairly merciless treatment from us.
Oh, it started off respectful, to be sure. It wasn't until about twenty minutes into the movie that we started making our first jokes referencing "The Big Lebowski" every time someone said "Man," or going "WEE-OOO WEE-OOO WEE-OOO" every time the chick with the curly-q hairdo showed up. But at that point, we just didn't care. So we decided to forgo politely sitting through this painfully boring and confusing mess in favor of entertainment.
If you get this, you are in the Cool Kids Club.
I'm not so sure if it's a matter of abject "badness" so much that I just don't understand the appeal of these dang movies. The characters are literally just window dressing with absolutely nothing to make them special. They're not. I brought it up to everyone about half an hour into the film that we know next to NOTHING about Ip Man, who I remind you, is merely the main freaking character of the film. All we know is that he has a half-brother and he knows kung-fu. That's it.
I asked a very simple question: "If his name weren't on the case, why would we care about him?"
It's an easy question. What did he do? I can't remember a single thing about his character except for the fact that he learned kung-fu. I guess he learned it well, but the style looks so silly to me that I honestly can't tell. Besides that, I reasoned that the only thing that is special about him is that he's the main character. Every one else in the movie seems to feel the same way because they're all "Oooh, it's Ip Man!" and I'm like "He hasn't DONE anything!" I guess they just read the script.
Also, just because stuff like this always bugs me in kung-fu movies: here's a list of grievances!
1) Why do you all know kung-fu? All of you? Everywhere?
2) Is everybody's penis in China so MICROSCOPIC that they immediately challenge anyone to a fight for any reason? "You dare slouch your shoulders as you walk past me?! Looks like you need a lesson!"
3) Do they do anything else besides kung-fu? At all? Do you get a paycheck for that? How do you eat?
4) Why is the concept of the "dog pile" a completely alien one to a gang of ten men fighting a single person?
5) Why are people with knives and other short range weapons content to stand at an absurdly far away distance to their opponent?
6) Why don't you headbutt? Seriously, guy. Head butt.
Headbutt him! HEADBUTT HIM! You have no idea how easy it would be for you to headbutt him right now and he COULDN'T DO JACK ABOUT IT!!! DO IIIIIIIT!!!!
And so it was that me and my friends actually had a really good time lampooning "Ip Man." In particular, we enjoyed mocking the girly hand-slappy Wing Chun style that, while admittedly impressive, looks utterly pansy. It was also hilarious that Ip Man is the only guy in the entire style who can wrap his head around the concept of kicking someone in the head - an idea everyone else considers inconceivable and borderline blasphemous! We also got a huge kick out of The Stick...something that from the beginning of the movie to the end, we still can't contemplate the purpose of.
Also...kids in boxes. Hysterical.
But more so than pure mocking value, the boredom and confusion that came from this movie tended to override the fun. I can't imagine sitting through this impossible to follow or care about plot without buddies to put in perspective how little it's worth it to care. And I can't imagine sitting through it again.
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| "I implore you to reconsider!" |
THE BOTTOM LINE - I think this is more of a case of me not liking the genre rather than "Ip Man" being necessarily bad. However I do stand by my opinion that while the action scenes aren't terrible (if you like Wing Chun) the story and script are one huge mess. If you want to see it for the action, fine. Girly hand-slappy kung-fu awaits you. Have fun, but as for me, I'd skip it.
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