Well actually, that last part isn't 100% accurate. I am not irritated by the presence of Guy Pearce. I really don't have anything negative to say about him, but neither do I gush over his performances. He's kind of the definition for me of an "average" actor. He gets in front of the camera, says his lines in a competent but very "straight C student" manner, and at no point am I really buying what he's saying. But it's never bad enough to tear down my suspension of disbelief.
If I see him on the box, I say to myself "Oh. Guy Pearce. I didn't even know he was in this. Cool." Then I set the case down and reach for the newest Val Kilmer movie.
Movies like "Lockout" are not helping my neutrality on Guy Pearce. If there was going to be a movie that made me jump on The Pearce Express, if such a thing existed, this ain't the one. And again, much like Guy himself, it's not that "Lockout" is overtly bad so to speak. It's just so damn "straight C student" average that it's difficult to care. Although this is where the analogy breaks down a bit, because honestly, "Lockout" isn't pulling a C average. This is like the C student getting wasted the night before finals, sleeping through half of them, and subsequently getting his GPA pounded into the D range.
You know it's on when The Guyster turns his gun all ghetto-grip.
The idea of "Lockout" is that there is a prison that has been built in space to hold the world's most vile criminals, the world's only "Ultra-Max" prison. The point of that is, of course, that the prison is escape-proof, because there's literally nowhere to go. For some reason that I honestly forgot by the halfway point (it doesn't matter) the President's daughter, played by mobile landing strip...er...forehead...er...actress...yeah we'll go with that, Maggie Grace, goes to the prison along with some secret service guys in order to interview some prisoners for some reason.
I think it had something to do with uncovering an EEEEEEEVAL corporation's plans to use prisoners as test subjects for the effects of cyro-freeze for long term space travel. Why the corporation using them as frozen test subjects is EEEEEEEEVAL when the prisoners were frozen in stasis anyway is a bit hazy, especially considering they are all mass murdering psychopaths. It seems to me that using these criminals (in a manner that doesn't hurt them in the least, by the way) to do some good for the betterment of mankind, like the exploration of freaking space, is something of a noble idea. Weyland-Utani these guys ain't.
Bitch please...
Anyway, of course the pooch gets predictably screwed when one of Maggie Grace's secret service idiots does a titanically stupid thing and winds up inadvertently arming and setting loose one of the inmates, who promptly frees every other inmate in the prison. This takes him about 34 seconds, by the way. This scene is so bone headed for so many reasons that it really helps sum up why this movie kind of just sucks.
1) Before the interview, the secret service guys are told to relinquish their weapons. Of course, the one guy is a freaking idiot and keeps the gun he has in his boot on him. What a pro. But besides that, are you telling me they didn't have to go through a metal detector or any security screening whatsoever? They just took his word for it? This is supposed to be "THE MOST ADVANCED PRISON EVER MADE," and it's easier to bring a gun through its security than it is to get through a TSA checkpoint?! More on the advanced nature of the prison in a bit.
2) Why, of all the prisoners there, do they trot out the most insane, clearly psychotic, uncooperative, dangerous inmate they could possibly find for the President's daughter to interview? This guy is like if you took SID 6.7, crossed him with The Joker and gave him "killing Tourettes" where he has a clinical need to murder something every 14 seconds. This guy actually knows the secret service guy has a gun because he smells it on him. Oh yeah. that sounds like a great person to talk to: The guy who can smell guns. Let's get Barbara Walters on this!
A more trustworthy face you couldn't hope to find.
3) Why in the sweet hell are the secret service guys even on the same side of the glass as the criminal? Aren't there prison guards for that? You know, people TRAINED for it? People who wouldn't, say, bring a gun into the room with the ridiculously dangerous man? But nope. Not a prison guard in sight.
4) THE GLASS ISN'T BULLETPROOF?!?!?!?
5) There are no security countermeasures in place at all? No bulkheads being automatically locked down? No knockout gas? No shutting off life support? No electrified floors? No collars on the inmates like "The Running Man?" No machine gun turrets? Like NOTHING?! That's all this ultra-max slam has in the way of security? A non-bulletproof pane of glass, two unlocked doors and a dude with glasses armed with only a clipboard to guard the button that lets EVERY CRIMINAL LOOSE AT ONCE!?
6) You're telling me that somebody actually programmed a command on that panel to "Open Every Door And Immediately Thaw Every Prisoner." When in the name of Odin's Mighty Butthole would you ever need that, especially when the inmates seemingly outnumber the guards about 10 to 1? That seems like not only an absurdly pointless command to even make possible to execute, but a mind-shatteringly dangerous one as well, for situations, oh I don't know JUST LIKE THIS ONE. Let's face it, when the glass on this piece of space junk isn't even bulletproof, I'm guessing prisoners getting out is a real possibility!
I don't even know if it's worth it to continue. That scene is pretty much the dumbest thing I saw in that film, and it really never gets any better. I'm surprised I haven't even mentioned Guy Pearce in it yet, which is a plus for him because he honestly pissed me off, too.
I think this is the only movie I've seen Guy Pearce in where he was memorable enough to annoy me. It's the same thing that got me about Tony Stark in "The Avengers," which is that every goddamn line out of his mouth is a quip or a joke or snide sarcastic remark. It's one thing to have a character who makes funny comments, or has a sense of humor, or who is irreverently sarcastic. But it needs to be tempered with "normal person speak."
No human being on earth is going to have something smarmy to say in response to everything single thing said to them. Even Snake Plissken said "What?" a couple of times. But it always makes me grind my teeth down to a fine powdery residue when I am forced to suffer through a character that talks like Oscar Wilde writing John McClane. And again, even John McClane, as badass and funny as he was, didn't have a "Thanks for the advice" moment every line. When they do, I don't want to see them kicking ass, I want them to shut the hell up!
"Uh...something witty...um...how do ya like THEM apples...supplements...damn it, CUT! Gimme a minute...damn it...apples...come on, Guy, THINK!"
There were other grievances I had, but it really just wound up being a haze of annoyances that held me in a perpetual state of "why the hell am I watching this?" for 90 minutes. From the absurdly bad CGI in the beginning bike chase that looked like bad PS2 graphics, to Peter Stormare's incredibly annoying "where the hell are you supposed to be from" accent (seriously I can't stand that guy), to a shot of adrenaline, instead of being injected somewhere that makes sense like the heart, being shot into someone's eyeball (and not the tear duct, right in the middle of the freaking pupil, because that works) to that really bad blowjob joke that was in the trailer, to none of the inmates stopping the craziest inmate from constantly screwing everything up by killing stuff, to gravity suddenly working in space, and finally to a free fall from orbit around Earth to ground taking less than 20 seconds...it just wasn't working for me.
It's unusual to say, but Guy Pearce is too good for this. Or perhaps this is the perfect Guy Pearce vehicle. Maybe he's really on to something with the whole "being in a bad movie" idea. If the movie is bad enough, it would make a middling actor look much better in comparison. In that case, well done?
Not bad.
THE BOTTOM LINE - There are so many better sci-fi action flicks out there that would be a far superior film to this. Hell, just watch "Escape From L.A." Even that brain-dead schlock is way more fun at least. Watch "Doomsday." Watch "The Running Man." Anything but "Lockout." It's just a waste of time. Skip it.
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