But before we go any further, one thing must be addressed. And this is, to the dread of some, the acknowledgment of the existence of one Mr. George Lazenby.
1971's "Diamonds Are Forever" was not the next Bond film after 1967's "You Only Live Twice." You notice the 5 year gap in between? In 1969 there was another movie and another Bond, with Australian model George Lazenby starring in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service." Both Lazenby and the movie met with mixed reactions, and didn't do as well as they wanted. So, by paying Connery an unheard of salary, some $1.2 million dollars (in 1971 money), they got the original article back for one more go around.
I'll get to "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" sometime later, but suffice to say that the only thing you really need to know about what happens in it (since you can extrapolate they are related based on the intro) is that Bond really, really, really wants Blofeld dead. I mean, you could have assumed that based on the crap Blofeld put him through earlier, but yeah, if you watched "OHMSS" you know that saying "This time it's personal" really doesn't do the situation enough justice.
Well, that's cheerful.
And the beginning of the movie pretty much settles that. The opening scene has Bond strong-arming people all over the world looking for Blofeld, and he's not above choking a women with her own bikini-top to find out where he is. At least we know he can still be a pig even when he's raging. The whole thing is played up to keep his face hidden so that his reveal is all the more dramatic, and I suppose if you had been a big Connery fan and hated Lazenby it would have been quite effective, especially if they had kept it going just a little longer. But I must wonder if anyone back then didn't know Connery was back when every single poster always started with "Sean Connery IS James Bond in..." Oh well. It's just fan-service. Nothing wrong with that.
Well, Bond does in fact find Blofeld in the process of creating a double using the powers of both mud and science. Not really sure how giving a guy a spa treatment for a few days is supposed to change his face, but then again, I'm not a megalomaniacal evil genius. And he does kill both the double and the real Blofeld.
OR DOES HE?!?!
Ahem. No. You find out later that was merely another double. There's a lot of Blofelds running around in this movie. And hey, one of them is actually the real one. And no, he isn't played by either Donald Pleasence or Telly Salavas. This time it's Charles Gray, who is pretty good, but he isn't as slimy as Pleasence was, and it's annoying that the character keeps changing actors. I guess consistency isn't a priority in Bond movies. Except for Desmond Llewelyn (17 movies), Bernard Lee (11 movies) and Lois Maxwell (14 movies). What, was Bond's arch nemesis just not an important enough character or something? We had to save the consistency for the secretary who's in one scene every movie in which she's the one person on the planet who is hornier than James?
And why doesn't he ever go after Moneypenny? Dude would bang a toaster if he thought the damage wouldn't go beyond 1st degree burns...
The plot of "Diamonds Are Forever" is shockingly about diamonds. Specifically it's about diamond smuggling, which turns into a plot to blow up nuclear weapons unless they get a lot of money. I know, SPECTRE's plots are ever changing. At the outset, though, Bond is trying to get to the bottom of a South African diamond smuggling operation by taking on the identity of a professional smuggler. He does this a bit before winding up in Las Vegas, where Blofeld is discovered to be behind the whole thing.
I said before that Charles Gray makes a passable Blofeld, and it's true that he does. He has a bit more of a sense of humor than earlier, which also goes along with the lighter overall tone of the film. "Diamonds Are Forever" is the closest the Connery series ever got to the zaniness of the Roger Moore era (*shudder*) but it still keeps it mostly within the realms of not being annoying or overly weird.
I said "mostly."
Yeah, the very special assassins Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. Hoo boy. These two guys. I'm not quite sure what to say about them. They're either one of the best or worst things about "Diamonds Are Forever," I can't tell for sure, but I'm leaning towards the later theory. I guess it depends on who you ask. On one hand, they're pretty creepy with how utterly soulless and blasé they are about the many, many people they kill throughout the movie. On the other hand, I'm not quite sure what they were going for with these guys.
Mr. Kidd, played by jazz bassist Putter Smith is the more subdued one, and of the two acts most like an actual human being. A cold blooded killer, but still human. It's Mr. Wint, played by Bruce Glover (father of Crispin) who comes off more as a psychopathic murder-bot from Outer Space loaded up with Quaaludes and the personality quirks of Peter Lorre doing Bronson Pinchot. All while being played by Crispin Glover's dad. Who acts just like Crispin Glover. A strange character is Mr. Wint.
I think it's possible to also get a little riled up at the fact that they're obviously gay. And having the only gay characters in the series be psychopathic killers could easily be looked at as kind of a jerk thing to do. So one could be offended by all that if they were really sensitive, but at the same time it's never implied that they are evil because of "The Gay," so that's a point in it's favor. They're just sick, twisted psychos with a penchant for debauchery. Being gay doesn't factor into it. It's probably not something to get worked up over, but it's still an odd character trait to have because it really doesn't add anything.
Besides this very dignified moment. *facepalm*
Aside from very strange hitmen, "Diamonds Are Forever" includes two lady henchmen, Bambi and Thumper, who wind up being basically useless despite all their overly elaborate and unnecessary flipping and tumbling. Or maybe it's because of it. But there's also a really good car chase through the Vegas strip, a reasonably passable final climax on an oil-rig, and a decent confrontation between Bond and Blofeld (for reals this time).
All of this is done while keeping the wackiness to a somewhat reasonable minimum.
I said "somewhat."
And I must admit to there being a line or two that did get a good chuckle out of me. It's nothing close to the dry wit of "Goldfinger," but when given a decent one-liner, Connery is still the man. Then again, I did laugh at Bond saying "Sorry, old boy" to a rat. I have no explanation for why I do what I do.
It's worth mentioning that Bruce Cabot makes an appearance as one of Blofeld's villains. He famously played Jack Driscoll in my favorite movie of all time, the original "King Kong." Also, Jimmy Dean (yes, that one) plays a Howard Hughes-style recluse. Who is also a cowboy. That's awesome.
"I'm just amazed there's been no mention of sausages yet."
"Your mother wash mentioning them lasht night, Dean!"
But finally, and this must be addressed one last time, because it just blows my mind every time it happens, but Connery's Bond is absolutely insane with the epic, disgusting pig lengths he will go to in order to get laid. I thought it was bad in "Thunderball" where he grabbed that poor woman in the spa, shoved his tongue down her throat, and then proceeded to follow her into the next room as she tried her hardest to set the world land-speed record for stripping. I thought I'd seen everything, but in "Diamonds Are Forever" Bond makes history with the first recorded attempt of The Naked Man Maneuver. AND IT WORKS.
"Two out of every three times, man."
You know what? At this point, I ain't even mad. Props, James. The Naked Man takes guts to pull off. You do lose points because of the fact she's a total whore, though. And you pulled it off with probably the weakest of the Bond girls you had to choose from throughout your career. But hey, Barney Stinson would be proud.
THE BOTTOM LINE - "Diamonds Are Forever," much like its predecessor, is a fun romp that's sprinkled with a fair amount of camp. Fortunately it's not enough to distract from the movie as much as the Roger Moore films did. Bond hasn't gone full-blown comedy. Not yet. In terms of quality it's about middle of the road for the Connery series. And it does get props for having a somewhat decent ending for freaking once.
THE END OF THE
"BOND - SEAN CONNERY, PART II" TRILOGY
JAMES BOND
WILL RETURN IN
"ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE"
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