"You Only Live Twice" finds James Bond getting to the bottom of the abduction of Soviet and US spaceships. Each time one of the two countries launches a mission, it is quickly nabbed up by another mysterious vessel that swallows it up and brings it back down to Earth, where it is quickly lost to radar and vanishes.
"Om nom nom nom."
Both countries are under the impression that the other is behind it somehow. True, either country sabotaging their own space program makes little sense, but hey, it was the Cold War. That was like the U of M/Ohio State rivalry. It doesn't have to make sense, you just know you hate the other guy because he's terrible and stupid and sucks and you're better than him even if he clobbers you.
In any case, each side threatens war if another one of their ships is abducted. And for the $10,000 prize, can you guess who is behind the nefarious plot? It's a tough one since they've only been the villainous entity in nearly every single Bond movie so far. Of freaking course it's SPECTRE.
At least this time their base of operations is subtle.
After faking his own death so as to keep the enemy's attention elsewhere, James Bond goes to Japan, the place MI-6 believes to be the most likely location for the ship to have originated from. With the help of Tiger Tanaka (Tetsurô Tanba), he investigates a lead involving a shady Japanese business mogul, Mr. Osato (Teru Shimada), who naturally winds up being involved with SPECTRE.
It's at this point that in all honesty, the plot starts to run away from me. It's probably one of the more difficult stories in the Bond franchise to follow, at least for me anyway. There's a whole thing about Bond masquerading as a potential buyer for Tanaka, which seems to not accomplish much. And then he "gets married" in order to do...I'm not sure what. And then in the most infamous part of the movie, Sean Connery disguises himself as a Japanese person.
This succeeds just about as well as you'd imagine it would.
It's not that any of this is bad, with the exception of the whole "slanty-eyes makeup" thing, but putting all the pieces together is a little difficult upon reflection. The whole second act of "You Only Live Twice" is probably the weakest part, as the plot gets a little overly complex. On the other hand, it also throws helicopter battles and ninjas at you at the same time, so even if you're not exactly sure what's going on, it's still entertaining as hell.
The final act of "You Only Live Twice" more than makes up for any confusion that may have occurred earlier in the film. Bond penetrates SPECTRE's hidden base inside the crater of a volcano, which is one of the coolest and most iconic villainous lairs in the franchise's history, and we finally come face to face with the man who's been pulling the strings and punishing failure in henchmen for three films now, Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
Blofeld is played with slimy, evil menace by Donald Pleasence, one of the great unsung champions of slimy, evil menace. It's true that one film later the much tougher and physically intimidating Telly Savalas would play him, but for my money Donald Pleasence was the best. He is just so creepy and wrong with that hideous scar over his eye, and Pleasence was capable of being super intense while not so much as raising his voice. I think it's the eyes.
HOMEBOY NEVER BLINKS.
The first face-to-face meeting between Bond and Blofeld is one of the great moments in film history, and manages to be pretty intense even though there's no chance that you would ever think Bond isn't coming out on top. The dialogue by itself would be dynamite, even without Connery's sneering bemusement and Pleasence's oily conceit. And hey, it's even got the best title drop in the franchise.
Blofeld: "They told me you had been assassinated in Hong Kong."
Bond: "Yes. This is my second life."
Blofeld: "You only live twice, Mr. Bond."
I love it.
I'm not one to generally say that any one performance or sequence is worth the price of admission by itself, but seriously, I love the last act of "You Only Live Twice." Between the great acting between Connery and Pleasence, Tanaka's ninjas swarming Blofeld's lair and killer piranhas, it's a rocking good time. And yes, while it's true that "Austin Powers" and even later Bond films would bring these kind of things into the realm of near to outright comedy, at least at the time "You Only Live Twice" was actually taking itself relatively seriously, and it comes across as such.
There's also a weird little thing where Charles Gray, the actor who would go on to play Blofeld in "Diamonds Are Forever," has a small role as Henderson, an MI-6 operative in Japan who meets an untimely end right before he can give Bond some much needed info. Casting the same actor as a villain later seems strange to me. It would be like if they cast Gary Oldman as Ra's al Ghul when they next reboot Batman. It's a weird thing seeing him there, too. It's like I can see into the future and yell "That's him, James! Take him out! Take him out now!" He was good in the role, however. I liked him.
If I had to find things to nitpick about this one, it's essentially made up of the same things that were bugging me before. Many of the women are still far too dumb and horny to be taken as anything other than a total joke, although it's nowhere near as bad as "Thunderball" was. Actually the Japanese women, Mie Hama and Akiko Wakabayashi, who were both very big stars in Japan, are probably the most reserved and dignified of any of the Bond girls. They were the exception though. One can't forget the small bit part of Ling, played by Tsai Chin (who had a little cameo in "Casino Royale" many, many years later) who says one of the most groan-worthy phrases in Bond history: "Darling, I give you very best duck."
Um...thank you?
I'm also not a fan of the title song. The motif keeps popping up too, all throughout the film, as is normal for Bond. I don't know, I just prefer my Bond themes loud, bombastic and kind of skanky sounding. That way you've got a musical theme to crank over an action scene as opposed to hearing the soft strains on violins during softer moments. I don't want to equate the theme with softer moments! I want to equate the theme with 007 kicking ass.
The opening montage is boring, too. Oooh, umbrellas. That screams action right there.
The ending is also, as per the usual in these movies, very abrupt with no time to breathe at all before the credits roll. But at least it was slightly less abrupt than "Thunderball."
And for the love of Bahamut, can we please have a Bond movie that doesn't end out on the ocean? Is that just a thing that we do in a Bond movie? Is there nowhere else to end it? I think "Goldfinger" is the only Connery vessel that hasn't ended on the ocean at this point. Let's check...
"Dr. No"
"From Russia With Love"
"Thunderball"
"You Only Live Twice"
Wait a minute...let's fast forward here. How does "Diamonds Are Forever" end?
Pictured above - Two people on a yacht at sea.
SON OF A BITCH.
THE BOTTOM LINE - I liked "You Only Live Twice" a hell of a lot more than "Thunderball." I know it's not as well received, and it's easy to make fun of, but I still prefer it. I'd personaly put it among Connery's best Bond outings. This is just a fun, fun movie.
JAMES BOND
WILL RETURN IN
"DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER"
(WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THAT ONE GUY WHO DID THAT ONE MOVIE BETWEEN THAT ONE AND THIS ONE. BUT WE'RE NOT GOING CHRONOLOGICALLY BECAUSE I COULDN'T CALL IT "BOND - CONNERY, PART II" THEN NOW, COULD I? ANYWAY. HE'LL COME LATER. IN THE MEANTIME WE'LL JUST PRETEND THAT ONE NEVER HAPPENED EVEN THOUGH YOU KIND OF WOULDN'T GET A LOT OF REFERENCES TO CONNERY BEING BACK, AND THE BIT ABOUT REVENGE ON BLOFELD MIGHT BE LOST IF YOU DIDN'T WATCH THE ONE WE'RE SKIPPING HERE, BUT WHATEVER. JUST ROLL WITH IT. AM I RAMBLING? I'M SORRY. WHAT I'M ESSENTIALLY TRYING TO SAY IS...)
GEORGE LAZENBY
WILL APPEAR (LATER) IN
"ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE"
(SORRY, GEORGE.)
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