Like gravity from a black hole, it's impossible to deny the inherent glorious majesty of these two titans of action. Their presence, physicality, action movie acting chops and humor bring an inescapable aura of fun and badassery to the films they star in, often adding watchablity to what would otherwise be worthless. Oh, they have their detractors, it's true, but I choose to believe those who doubt them are simply blinded by the sheer manliness of their presence - A cowed, shriveling girly-man who is lashing out in fear at what they do not understand.
EMBRACE ME.
Schwarzenegger and Stallone have both had films this year already, and while Arnie's return to lead roles in "The Last Stand" was solid, sitting through Stallone's "Bullet To The Head" was a painful, joyless experience. "Escape Plan," the first feature these two legends have ever headlined together, seemed like a fun, action packed romp that smacked slightly of 80's and camp, which to me made for a promising setup. That is, with the exception of the name inexplicably being changed earlier this year to the terribly bland title "Escape Plan" from the more mysterious and stylish moniker "The Tomb," which is a decision I really don't understand.
"Escape Plan" didn't unfortunately reach the heights of "The Last Stand," but it was head and shoulders above "Bullet To The Head." It's what was promised in the trailer, and is pretty much exactly what you'd expect it to be. It's silly and kind of campy while taking itself dead serious, not a whole lot makes sense but it's just plausible enough to not be technically impossible, the actors all look like they're having a good time, some so-bad-they're-good one liners happen, and by the end we are given what we paid money to see: Arnold Schwarzenegger mowing down hordes of bad guys while shooting a gun the size of an El Camino. I don't feel ripped off in the slightest.
The man's like Rembrandt with a .50 caliber. His victims become Jackson Pollock paintings.
"Escape Plan" is about Ray (Stallone), a man who makes his living and fortune by getting himself sent into the world's most secure prisons and then escaping in order to show the flaws in their security, kind of like a quality control job where each contract takes a few months and involves shanking. When he is presented with a super top-secret job to try and escape from a new prison that is reportedly 100% escape proof, he takes the assignment only to find himself in a prison that is incredibly dangerous and really does seem inescapable.
Wanting to pull the plug on the whole thing, he gives his extraction code only to find that the warden, Hobbes (Jim Caviezel), has no clue or interest in what he's talking about, proving that Ray has been backstabbed and has been left to rot in the one place he can't get out of. After making quick friends with Emil (Schwarzenegger), another prisoner who seems oddly anxious to go to the wall for Ray considering that they're strangers, together they craft the eponymous scheme to bust out and find the double crosser.
Occasionally confusing shakey-cam sequence aside, the action in "Escape Plan" was hard hitting and entertaining enough, and the last shoot out when Arnold gets to do his thing is a pretty awesome sight to behold, and proves the man still has it in spades. Although considering it is an R rated film it probably could have been a bit more graphic and not lost anything. Not saying that we needed something like "Machete" levels of gore, but when the villain who is second only to the Big Bad is taken out by falling down the stairs (off camera, by the way) it tends to smack of unsatisfying. But like adding it wouldn't have hurt anything, not having it really didn't take anything away, either.
Stallone is...decent here. It's not that he's not good, in fact his acting is fine, but I think all the lumpiness has officially reached the point of distraction for me. In "Rambo" he had that on-and-off-again-steroid kind of body, but he was still cut. Here he's just kind of a big mass of muscle and sinew like a sack of skin that had a bunch of bones stuffed inside in no particular order. And am I the only one who has noticed that he has the most absurdly small sausage fingers ever? Have they always been like that or have his hands gotten huge and started eating his fingers from the knuckles up?
At this point Stallone looks like a PS2 era video game version of himself.
Schwarzenegger runs away with this film, honestly. It's not Stallone's fault, since being the snarky one who knows more than he's telling, Arnold has the more fun character to play. But Arnold also seems to be putting slightly more effort into the role. And I've always liked Schwarzenegger as an actor, but I can't express how much fun it is to watch him having fun acting. It's infectious, and it becomes the reason we care. Stallone's character exists to move the story along, but Arnold's character is why we get invested in what we're seeing.
That's not to say "Escape Plan" is a brilliant film by any means. It's got its share of problems. The biggest fault with it is probably the fact that, with the exception of some of the bigger "trailer moments," it's not a very memorable film. That's not to say it's boring, but it's nothing very unique. Now that's not an automatic bad thing in of itself because what's important isn't originality but how well a film does what it set out to do. And "Escape Plan" does what it does well. But the fact that it's generally pretty predictable doesn't help it in the "stick in your mind" department. Again, that's not because it's bad but because it kind of runs together with a lot of other movies similar to it.
But on the other hand, what were his options? NOT getting to da choppa? That's what you do.
And like any action flick, a lot rides on the performances of the villains. "Escape Plan" is sadly lacking in that department. Jim Caviezel is really bad at being a bad guy, and comes across as more obnoxious than threatening. He simply acts really uppity, fixes his tie a lot while brushing off his lapels and snaps his fingers anytime he wants something done, a character trait which gets annoying really quickly. Essentially he's just a monocle short of being the snooty rich guy in a cartoon who inevitably gets a pie in the face. Intimidating he is not. That role belongs more to Vinnie Jones as the #2 Baddie, but there's really not anything to him other than being a slightly larger and more psycho prison guard. He doesn't do anything to make me particularly notice him besides being an actor I recognize. And every other guard is literally faceless. It's difficult to care much.
You know, all these thing are pretty easily overlooked for me. I'm easy to please when it comes to Stallone, but even more so when it's Arnold. When he's spouting lines like "You hit like a vegetarian," there's bound to be some smiles to be found on my face. Even the post-kill one liner he has at the end that was so bad that it was honestly kind of awesome managed to put me in a good mood. By Crom, I missed that man.
Check out the trailer for "Escape Plan."
THE BOTTOM LINE - "Escape Plan" is a solid action flick. It's a good time, and just entertaining enough to forgive some of the sillier nonsense. If you maintain a forgiving mindset and thoroughly suspended disbelief, it's as much fun as any random 80's action flick starring one of these guys. Its biggest fault is weak casting in the villain department, but Stallone and Schwarzenegger more than make up for it.
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