And imagine my surprise upon discovering the added bonus that not only was Christian Slater going to be in it, but it also featured Jason Momoma as the main villain. Are you telling me that not only am I going to get to see Christian Slater in something not direct to DVD, but I'm also getting Khal Drogo out of the deal? How can this not be awesome?
The answer to that is not a simple one, but no matter how complicated or in depth I go into the fine details, there's really only one conclusion that will inevitably be arrived at: "Bullet To The Head" was not very good. In fact, I'm going to go right ahead and admit that as much as I wanted to like it, and as much as I checked my brain at the door, it actually sucked pretty bad. I can't tell you how sad that makes me.
Umm...symbolism?
In "Bullet To The Head" Stallone plays a hitman, Jimmy Bobo. Jimmy is also currently in the running for "Worst Action Hero Name Ever." After the standard "hit gone bad" happens and his partner gets killed, Bobo finds himself reluctantly working with a cop, Detective Kwon (Sung Kang). Kwon feels that there's a connection between the hit and the seemingly random killing, and after some crooked cops try and kill him, he's pretty sure there's more going on than what initially seems to be the case.
So what is going on? Crooked politicians. Crooked cops. Double crosses. Kidnapping of loved ones. Not playing by the books anymore. It's the standard load-out of standard action movie plots heavily featuring vendettas. Not that there's anything wrong with all that, mind you. But that stuff can be done well and it can be done poorly. "Bullet To The Head" does it poorly. The "why" is a little tougher to put my finger on, but I think in the end it all boils down to the unfortunate fact that it's just a boring movie.
Despite what the title of the movie would suggest, "Bullet To The Head" does not feature very much action. Or at least, not nearly as much as one would hope for or expect. There's a few too many scenes of Bobo and Kwon driving around town, having conversations about how much they don't like each other. Then they stop, Bobo gets out and does something rash, Kwon has a conniption-fit about how he's going to arrest him after all this is done, and then Bobo verbally subdues Kwon until he meekly gets back in the car. And I have to be honest, for an Asian person in an action flick, Kwon really doesn't do much of anything that awesome during the action scenes. That may be a stereotype, but you know I'm not lying when I say you would have been expecting it, too.
"You just know he's gonna do something and it's gonna be good..."
This isn't one of Stallone's better roles, either. Jimmy Bobo is a character very much harkening back to the 80's, being a tough, wise-cracking ass kicker with an odd quirk (in this case being obsessed with a particular brand of whiskey nobody has ever heard of). But for some reason I just didn't feel anything towards him. It's not that Stallone is bad, in fact he's got a couple moments that are pretty solid, but Stallone's trademark low-key delivery doesn't work very well here.
What Stallone needed was some intensity, but Bobo never gets that mad about anything. Or at least he doesn't outwardly show it. He acts like he really doesn't care that much. And when the movie is as boring as it is, that doesn't help the audience care much either. I know Stallone can rage. I've seen him do it before. At least that would have been more entertaining since it would have given the impression he was having some fun. But as it is, Stallone's performance comes across more like a reluctant paycheck. The pointless, meandering voice-overs he has that pop up every once in a while to tell us crap we either already know or don't care about doesn't help matters much, either.
Don't do it, Sly! That's a really nice vest! I don't want to see it get ruined! It's giving the best performance in this scene!
The rest of the cast just kind of exists. Sung Kang as Kwon is kind of a mincing killjoy. Christian Slater shows up for a few scenes, acts drunk and then gets shot. I don't feel bad ruining that because the trailer did everything but show the bullet enter his brain. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje chews scenery as the main baddy de jour, but it's difficult to be intimidated by a guy who has to use arm crutches to get around. Dude can barely move and we're supposed to be scared of him? Please.
The only guy in "Bullet To The Head" who looks like he's having fun, and indeed the only reason to watch this piece of crap is Jason Momoa. The amount of awesome contained in Momoa can't be measured on a human scale, and he's quickly becoming one of my favorite action guys. He turns in a performance which is the only thing you'll remember about this. The scowling intensity that's hiding behind those cold eyes is the sole bit of momentum carrying "Bullet To The Head" through to the end credits. I'm not going to say it's worth sitting through the 90 minutes that this movie takes up, but whenever he's on screen I can't deny that he's entertaining as hell.
Whenever he's not on screen, though...ugh.
In addition to being the only guy there who gives a rip, Jason Momoa also is featured in the best scene in the film - an axe fight between him and Stallone. The shear manliness emanating from that scene is enough to produce some excitement, but it's too little too late to save much of anything, and like the rest of the action in "Bullet To The Head," it's filmed so shakily and edited so choppy that it's pretty difficult to tell what in the blazes is going on.
Perhaps that's for the best, since I'm pretty sure any kind of clear view of the fight would most likely reveal that there's no possible way that Stallone could take out Jason Momoa nowadays. I don't care how post-steroid lumpy Stallone is. Even if Momoa's character was an accountant who'd never held a weapon in his life, I'd still put money on him in a fight. And here he's a Spec Ops Mercenary Killing Machine.
Sure, Sly. Pick up that axe and fight him without editing to save you. Let me know how that goes.
I'm actually having trouble remembering much more than that, to be honest. I saw this movie two days ago and I've already forgot most everything about it. Yeah, it's one of those movies. Bobo likes "Two Bullets Whiskey," Christian Slater gets shot, and there's an awesome axe fight at the end. Where the wrong guy wins. Whatever. I'm done. At least Arnold got a good movie in this year with "The Last Stand." And I tell you, "The Tomb" better be awesome, otherwise Stallone will be 0-2 for 2013. And that thought makes me sad.
This is something you'd see going direct to video. There's no possible reason this was a theatrical release besides the fact that it was Sylvester Stallone. It looks cheap, what little action it has is shaky and hard to follow, the plot is cliche to the point of boredom, and everyone but Jason Momoa simply looks like they don't care. This is something you'd see Van Damme or Nicolas Cage in. Not one of their good direct-to-video releases, either. One of the bad ones. More like something Ving Rhames or Val Kilmer would star in nowadays. Maybe even Seagal. Yeah, it's that bad.
Check out the trailer. It's not nearly as cool as it seems here, unfortunately.
THE BOTTOM LINE - A big disappointment. I've got mad love for Sly but this one hurt. When it's not simply boring it's simply dull as the action isn't good enough nor plentiful enough to warrant sitting through this forgettable mess. The only way I can recommend you watch it is to fast forward through any part without Jason Momoa. Then you've got a neat little 30 minute movie.
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