Conan the Barbarian (1982)

After the disappointment I've suffered at the hands of recent action movies, I felt a need to go back and reconnect with something that was real. Something that was pure. Something that was almost innocent in its primal brutality. Of course I'm talking about Schwarzenegger. And this right here is the movie that put him on the map. 1982's "Conan the Barbarian" was the first hit of Arnold's career, although why "Hercules in New York" posters weren't on the wall of every kid in America in the late 70's I have no idea.

"Conan" is a fun movie, and when you're a nerd like me, there's something about it and movies like it that tend to spark something in the imagination. It doesn't matter that the story is as simple as pointing, grunting, and thrusting both swords and biceps at the screen. That's not why we signed on, although we appreciate the carnage. No, the reason we love it (or at least the reason I do) is because it transports us to another realm in a matter of fact, unflashy manner that doesn't draw too much attention to the fact that it's a fantasy world. It just is.

As much as I love stuff like "Lord of The Rings," there was some pretty out-there stuff, what with horses made from water and spirits of the dead overthrowing a battle in a ridiculous deus ex machina. With "Conan" it was down to earth to the point of being downright gritty, and while there was magic in this world it was much more subtle. The characters seemed more vulnerable, so the fighting had more dramatic impact. The fighting was also far more brutal, which also helps.

Ow.

Yes, it's unlikely that anybody is going to lay a hand on somebody the size of Schwarzenegger, but he actually gets his ass handed to him on a couple of occasions by the bad guys. This is mostly because, being a barbarian, he does some stupid things occasionally. For that reason it's easy to imagine him not being able to defeat Thulsa Doom. And keep in mind, Arnold was not a walking action movie cliche at this point, either. He could conceivably lose, since he's lost before. Can you really tell me with a straight face you ever had the slightest doubt that Aragorn wasn't going to be just fine? And I'm sure we all believed that Gandalf was really gone when he feel down the chasm of Khazad-Dûm.

And unlike Conan, Frodo never got crucified.

What strikes me about "Conan the Barbarian" upon watching it again was that I am amazed how effectively this movie conveys the story, simplistic as it may be, with barely any dialogue at all from our main character. They may sound like a slam but it's not. It's no secret that Arnold is not the best dramatic actor on his best days, especially in the beginning when he was still figuring out that whole "speaking English" thing. But you know what? Arnold is actually really good in this movie.

I'm not joking when I say that. He doesn't utter a single line until over 20 minutes into the film. And before those first lines (the legendary "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women") he had been lashed to a giant wheel for a decade, became a famous gladiator, and a mighty warrior. And all this without a line of dialogue from him. And through his facial expressions, Arnold is able to convey both the rage and emptiness he feels in all these hollow victories that give him no closure or peace.

Despite the break-neck pace of the narrative, which covers a very long time very quickly, I still have a firm grasp on who these people are, what they want, and what they're doing. True, it may be done so quickly and with so little dialogue that it may come off as clumsy at times, but it's still done effectively. I also get the feeling that most of the clumsiness may come from the fact that "Conan" was so influential that now it seems cliche.

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I think what makes "Conan" still hold up on its own is, again, the brutal violence it shows. This is some hard-hitting stuff going on, as we would rightly expect from a movie with the subtitle "The Barbarian." People are getting significantly destroyed here, and it's all done with practical effects and stunt-work. There's no CGI blood going on here, and while that may make it look less flashy, it makes it far more gritty, which is a huge plus.

There are a few other things I'd like to mention. The first is the absolutely phenomenal musical score by Basil Poledouris. Few things can match the power and epic testosterone-laden BALLS of the legendary opening theme to this film. It's among the greatest fantasy movie themes of all time, and I'm including "Star Wars" and "Lord of The Rings" here. If there were a soundtrack to wielding a sword as big as your leg, that's the one.

That or DragonForce.

I'm also a big fan of the cinematography in "Conan The Barbarian." Nearly every shot in this film is like looking at the front of a fantasy novel, or maybe an Amon Amarth album cover. Conan crucified to the Tree of Woe, the giant snake in the temple, Thulsa Doom addressing his disciples from the top of his palace, and young Conan's face as his mother's lifeless body falls at his side, her hand slipping from his grasp, all of these moments are just a few of the dozens upon dozens of gorgeous ones to be found here.

And as much as I remarked on the lack of dialogue from our main character, he and the rest of the cast have some very awesome lines when they open their mouths, and that's from the very beginning as Mako's famous booming narration promises to tell us of the days of high adventure. Many of the best lines come from James Earl Jones, which is not a surprise since he and Max von Sydow are the two most venerable actors in the movie, and unsurprisingly do the best job out of anyone there.

Jones' role as Thulsa Doom is chilling apart from an extremely unfortunate haircut. When he's explaining the Riddle of Steel to Conan (one of the best scenes in the movie, by the way) there's an inherent menace in his voice that makes it so he doesn't really have to do anything to make you afraid of him. His voice does all the work for him, especially when he's saying things like "Now they will learn why they fear the night."

Not enough villains have bangs.

Of course I'm always going to prefer Arnold's lines. And I know the thought of Arnold having a monologue is horrifying to most people, but the prayer he gives right before the big battle near the end is honestly very, very, very good. In any case, nearly every line Arnold has in this movie is an instant classic, and like many 80's Schwarzenegger films, it's endlessly quotable.

I can't be the only one who will randomly say "Crom laughs at your four winds!" to people in a heavy Austrian accent, can I?

There's not much negative I can say about this movie, actually. Yes, it does look a bit dated, and some of the acting, particularly from Sandahl Bergman as Conan's love interest Valeria, could have been better, but that really just adds to the charm of it. And besides, this movie featured among its cast a professional surfer (Gerry Lopez) and a body builder who barely spoke English in the lead role. You're not expecting Brando-level acting here. You really just need a couple heavy hitters to give some dignity to the proceedings and you're good to go, hence the presence of Jones and von Sydow. Although why the spirit of Valeria comes back as a Valkyrie at the end to help Conan I have no idea, since it's never foreshadowed, followed up on, nor explained in any way. That was weird.

Did someone slip you a Phoenix Down? Do ghosts always have the ability to fight in this world? What the hell is going on here?

So that's "Conan The Barbarian." It's one of the better sword and sorcery films out there, especially from the 80's. In fact it basically helped create the whole genre, and many films came after it which directly ripped it off, which unfortunately makes it seem a bit cliched after the fact. But it did what it did better than pretty much any of the movies that it inspired, which isn't difficult since most of those movies sucked really bad. For every "Beastmaster" there was about 27 movies like "Beastmaster 2" or anything starring Miles O'Keefe. Then again, those movies did provide us with fodder for one of the best MST3K episodes ever, "The Cave Dwellers." So add that to the list of reasons why "Conan The Barbarian" is awesome: It got ripped off a lot.

It also indirectly gave us Reb Brown! What? You never saw "Yor?"

Do you doubt the badassery of "Conan?" Check out the trailer!

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Conan The Barbarian" is a fun movie that holds up even though it does show its age at this point. For nerds and geeks though, this is one of the definitive fantasy movies, and it plays out much like one of the many games of high adventure we enjoy. I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a good action flick. THAT is Crom! Strong on his mountain!