Lincoln (2012)

I've gone on record before saying that my feelings on Steven Spielberg have reached a point of full-out dislike. And I stand by that. I'm not a fan of his films anymore, at least not the ones he's been making lately. And by "lately" I mean roughly the last 15 years. I'm also a complete weirdo in the fact the only movie of his I've seen since "Saving Private Ryan" that I did like was "Kingdom of The Crystal Skull," so please feel free to take whatever I say with a grain of salt since apparently I'm insane.

Here's the thing, though. Spielberg is a good director. Seriously, he is. I'm not going to say he isn't a master at what he does, because that would be ignorant. There are just certain things he does which I don't like, and of the 3 primary issues I have with him, only 1 of those has to do with his actual directing.

The first thing is that I don't like the scripts he chooses. They're cheesy, overly long, preachy, and play it pretty safe and mediocre. He directs them well, but I'm usually very bored by them. Yeah that's a big issue to have, but it has nothing to do with his actual directing. The second thing is that he keeps hiring John Williams. Similar to Danny Elfman and Tim Burton, this symbiotic relationship has gone from working beautifully to becoming one of tired acceptance with a distinct overtone of forgettable "not caring anymore." And at this point, Williams really seems to be running low on ideas as the last memorable piece he wrote was "Duel of the Fates" for "Star Wars: Episode I." Back in 1999.

Third and finally comes the only real issue I have with Spielberg from an actual directorial standpoint. There comes a time, oftentimes several throughout the course of his films, where something dramatic will happen, usually having something to do with racism and the like. In any case, someone will make a dramatic gesture, will say something, or will do something to fly in the face of the established oligarchy that has been opposing them. Everything slows down, the camera pans around everyone at a low angle as they look upwards with thoughtful expressions or mouths agape as they slowly nod their heads with new understanding on life and humanity,  all to John Williams' music swelling underneath.

This happens in nearly every Spielberg drama I can think of. And I hate this scene. I really do. It's so cheesy. It's so telegraphed. It's so cliche. And it's seldom really earned. It's just there because well, that's what Spielberg does a lot of. People are always labeling grand, sweeping action shots as "Spielbergian," but why doesn't anyone else use it to describe that hunk of cheese as well? He uses it more often than the first one, it seems to me.

I think it's the head nod. That's what kills it for me.

So it was not without some sense of apprehension that I went to go see "Lincoln." I'm not going to lie, I really wasn't digging this one from the trailers. Maybe if it had been another director I would have had more interest in it, but because it was Spielberg, I knew it would be cheesy and preachy. And I was right about that. It was cheesy. In fact it was cheesier than I had imagined it was going to be. And it was indeed preachy, but not as much as I had feared. So we've got a plus and minus with that.

But one thing I didn't count on "Lincoln" being was so droning, and even bordering on dull on occasion. And the reason for that is because the only reason this film exists is to get a few more Oscar nominations (and probably wins) for Daniel Day-Lewis. Now some of you may read that as being overly callous, but what else am I supposed to think about a film that is made up of Daniel Day-Lewis performing monologues for roughly 73% of the 2 and a half hour run time?

This should have been called "Speech: The Movie."

I'm going to come out and say right now, however, that if you like Daniel Day-Lewis, you will love this film for those exact reasons. Perhaps that is one of the benefits of being a weird method actor that only does a movie once every 5 years or something - when they finally get you to star in something you know nobody else is going to matter.

Daniel Day-Lewis is undoubtedly good as Abraham Lincoln. I did genuinely like him in it, he was quite convincing, and yeah I guess he "became the role" as he is wont to do. But honestly I didn't really feel an appreciable difference between his performance and any other good actor who would have probably played the part just as well. At no time did I think to myself "Only Day-Lewis could have pulled this off. Nobody else would have been close."

Does that make "Lincoln" bad or Day-Lewis' performance not matter? No, of course not. I'm just throwing it out there before the awards season begins and everyone starts kissing his ass as The Greatest Living Actor again. He's good, but perhaps people are mistaking lack of quantity for excess of quality. I call that the "Terrence Malick" effect. Although Day-Lewis is far better at his trade-craft than Malick is at his own.

The rest of the elements really don't matter too much, to be perfectly frank. It's set during Lincoln's last few months as he fights to pass the 13th Amendment, and much of the movie is political maneuvering as the Republicans fight to get a majority of the vote in the Senate in order to pass it. That's all well and good, and it is interesting to learn about aspects of the country's history that I was unaware of. But it's just a backdrop to see Day-Lewis start up with another amusing anecdote, which he does so often that it even becomes the topic of a joke at one point. And yeah, that was actually a funny joke, but we still had to sit through the long, plodding story afterwords.

To be fair there are many speeches Lincoln gives that are quite good. The best one that I recall concerns The Emancipation Proclamation, and the risks involved in doing it, and the potential fallout from it. Not only does that give us great insight into his state of mind, but it dumps a whole lot of exposition on us in a pretty believable manner, and clues us in as to why the 13th Amendment needs to be passed now. That's great stuff, but there just too many dull, repetitive monologues in between the good ones, and it makes Lincoln come off as more than a bit long-winded.

Tommy Lee Jones, playing senator Thaddeus Stevens I found to be a more interesting character than Lincoln, mostly because I liked his story and conflict along with his more fiery personality. The point when he is forced to compromise his values for the greater good is one of the more engrossing moments of the film. Unfortunately it's relegated to a 2 minute sequence and then never really brought up again.

He and his wig were honestly my favorite characters.

Sally Field will probably get some Oscar buzz, as its the kind of role that demands it. Was she good? Yeah, I guess. Am I going to remember her performance in a few days? Probably not. More than paying attention to whom they gave screen time to, I was more annoyed with the actors they wasted. Great actors like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Jackie Earle Haley who are pushed to the back of the room and given pretty "nothing" roles. For shame.

There isn't much more to say about "Lincoln," honestly. I came away feeling profoundly unmoved. The schmaltz of Spielberg didn't help, especially during the painfully bad opening scene where two soldiers recite The Gettysburg Address back at Lincoln, and the ridiculous closing shot featuring Lincoln superimposed over a flame in a lantern (SYMBOLISM!) which looked straight out of an early 90's sitcom.

There's also the scene right before the Senate vote on the 13th Amendment which has a group of black folk walk into the balcony to be seated. Everyone instantly goes mute, stops what they are doing like they have "black radar" and stares at them. Then one of the senators slowly stands and says with great gravity "We welcome you here" like they're the first black people to set foot in the building. Because apparently Mary Todd Lincoln's servant didn't count even though she was there all the freaking time. But whatever. Everyone gets to slowly nod in approval. That's what's important.

I don't hate Spielberg. I just hate Spielberg's cheese. But since his movies are jammed full of it, it's difficult for me to enjoy one. It bores me and makes me roll my eyes every 5 minutes. But whatever. It will win tons of Oscars. That's what's important.

I miss Bill Oberst Jr.

THE BOTTOM LINE - You know exactly what this movie is, even if you haven't seen it yet. It will do nothing to surprise you. If that's what you want, here you go. Daniel Day-Lewis fans will call it the best of the year and demand Best Actor, although they did that before they even saw the film. I personally found it boring.

Dark Shadows (2012)

Allow me to begin by saying: "Nerts."

Nerts is all I have to say about Tim Burton. I am so done with him. It's gotten to the point that the thought of another Tim Burton movie coming out causes me to become so irritated that whenever a trailer for a new project of his comes out, I want to punch the person sitting next to me in the theater. Repeatedly. One punch for every time I call who is going to be involved in the movie.

Of course it's got Helena Bonham Carter. Of course it's got Danny Elfman doing the same freaking  musical score that he always does. Of course Christopher Lee is going to have a 30 second cameo. And of freaking course we can't have a Tim Burton movie without Johnny Depp, who will once again be playing Hunter S. Thompson, because that's all his brain can process at this point since he's been playing Hunter S. Thompson for about 10 years.

I'm just so tired of every movie Tim Burton makes having a copy/pasted credit list. And it's not that he hasn't collected a bunch of really great talent, because he has. His casts are always really, really good. But he needs moderation with dipping into this same pool of actors, because at this point it's honestly distracting. I have such a difficult time losing myself in a Tim Burton movie because the mere presence of Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp in really heavy makeup is distracting at this point.

Oh look, it's Johnny Depp in...any one of the 214 movies he's done with Tim Burton...

I challenge Tim Burton to make one film without those people. And have it not be a dark fantasy. Direct a Bond movie or something. And while he's at it, hire Hans Zimmer or James Newton Howard.

Just to show that he can.

Obviously it was not without a great deal of apprehension that I watched "Dark Shadows." Seeing Johnny Depp on the cover, once again doing his best to look weird for no reason other than to look weird for weird's sake didn't help. And of course, the fact that it's a movie about vampires was the salt in the wound, because a good vampire movie is rare nowadays. Plus the reception it got had been pretty bad.

But, and maybe this is merely the result of coming at this from the perspective of someone who has never seen the TV show it was based on, I have to say that "Dark Shadows" was not nearly as bad as I had heard it being. In fact I dare say I enjoyed it for a good portion of the film. Now, were there stupid things in it? Oh you bet there were. But it wasn't enough to ruin anything for me. And that's including Johnny Depp, which is quite the achievement because the charm of Depp is running on fumes for me at this point.

The idea of "Dark Shadows" is that Johnny Depp is playing Barnabas Collins, a rich nobleman who is cursed by a witch to be a vampire, since that's how vampires work in this movie. Kind of. More on that later. The witch is played by Eva Green, who looks lovely as she does her best blonde Anne Hathaway impression. She and Barnabas have a fairly complicated relationship. Long story short, they had a fling, he was honest and said he liked her but wasn't in love with her, so she kills his girlfriend, turns him into a vampire and locks him in a coffin till the end of time.

Fast forward to 200 years later, it's the 1970's, and Barnabas is freed from his prison by unwitting and ill fated construction workers. Making his way back home, he finds that what remains of the Collins family is now rather pathetic and pretty much ruined, with the only thing of value they have being the ancient mansion they live in, which is as dilapidated as their bank accounts. Seeing this, Barnabas decides to return the Collins family to their former glory.

He also has to deal with that little problem of that witch who locked him in a box for 200 years. She's still around.

"Oh don't be so dramatic. It was 198 years."

A lot of fuss was made about "Dark Shadows" being a comedy. Honestly, it really wasn't that overt. Yes, there were silly parts in it, and some admittedly funny lines, but the tone never solidified on "comedy" for me. The whole movie was dark enough to stay a drama, in my opinion. I mean, yes, the scene where Johnny Depp and Eva Green are banging on the ceiling was a bit ridiculous, but to be perfectly honest, it kind of made sense to me. And who am I to say that supernatural beings can't have more unique sex than normal people?

Honestly, the funniest character for me was Carolyn, played by my girl Chloë Grace Moretz. Her job is to be the rebellious teen who listens to rock and hangs out with hippies, and her deadpan, disinterested delivery was oddly 90's in a lot of ways, almost like a proto-hipster. Her lines aren't fall-down funny, in fact none of the jokes in "Dark Shadows" are, but it's the tone of her voice when she says stuff to Barnabas like "You're weird" that gave me a chuckle.

Okay, her line "I'm pretty sure he called me a hooker" was actually pretty damn funny.

Of course, there's a really really stupid part involving her at the end, which I won't spoil, but suffice to say it's pretty much the definition of "right the crap out of nowhere." And it has to be from the show. There's no way it couldn't be. The twist they give her character is so out there and without any lead in whatsoever nor resolution or explanation, that it has got to be referencing the TV show. Otherwise they're literally just screwing with stuff.

Something else that bugged me was that the vampire lore in "Dark Shadows" seems a bit...inconsistent. I'm talking about whether or not Barnabas can make other vampires, because it really goes all over the place. At first it would appear that people he bites just die, then later people he bites eventually, much later, come back to life as vampires, but then later a person can *instantly* become immortal the second he bites them. It was all thoroughly confusing, but I suppose in a movie where vampirism is due to a witch's curse, any kind of established lore is out the window.

Little known fact: Vampires love waffles.

That last thing came into play at the end of the film, which was really the only part of the movie that I legitimately thought wasn't very good. I did not like the ending, not so much because it was bad, but it seemed really rushed and somewhat at odds with the rest of the story, all in an effort to end it on an upbeat. Maybe not every story needs a happy ending.

Honestly though, it's not really that much to get mad about. I still found "Dark Shadows" to be decently entertaining, despite some annoying stuff like that. A lot of that has to do with the cast, which I found to be quite good. And that's including Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, who I was not expecting to like. There was also Michelle Pfeiffer, and it's nice to see her again. And of course having Chloë Grace Moretz in it was awesome, but I was also jazzed to see Jackie Earl Haley is in it too, and having just those two is frankly enough to make me watch it alone. Oh and Alice Cooper makes an appearance. He plays himself. And yes it is silly.

And no, I don't know why it's the 70's and he looks to be a senior citizen. Don't mind that.

So I guess "Dark Shadows" gets a pass from me. In much the same way as "The Raven" got a pass, I think. It's not that it was necessarily good, but it was so much better than the reception had lead one to believe it to be. Hooray for lowered standards, I guess?

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Dark Shadows" surprised me by being a recent Tim Burton movie I liked, mostly because it really doesn't feel like a Tim Burton movie. While not an outstanding achievement in film making by any stretch, in terms of a drama/comedy it's actually reasonably entertaining. As long as you're not a huge fan of the TV show, I'd expect, considering its reception.