Dark Shadows (2012)

Allow me to begin by saying: "Nerts."

Nerts is all I have to say about Tim Burton. I am so done with him. It's gotten to the point that the thought of another Tim Burton movie coming out causes me to become so irritated that whenever a trailer for a new project of his comes out, I want to punch the person sitting next to me in the theater. Repeatedly. One punch for every time I call who is going to be involved in the movie.

Of course it's got Helena Bonham Carter. Of course it's got Danny Elfman doing the same freaking  musical score that he always does. Of course Christopher Lee is going to have a 30 second cameo. And of freaking course we can't have a Tim Burton movie without Johnny Depp, who will once again be playing Hunter S. Thompson, because that's all his brain can process at this point since he's been playing Hunter S. Thompson for about 10 years.

I'm just so tired of every movie Tim Burton makes having a copy/pasted credit list. And it's not that he hasn't collected a bunch of really great talent, because he has. His casts are always really, really good. But he needs moderation with dipping into this same pool of actors, because at this point it's honestly distracting. I have such a difficult time losing myself in a Tim Burton movie because the mere presence of Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp in really heavy makeup is distracting at this point.

Oh look, it's Johnny Depp in...any one of the 214 movies he's done with Tim Burton...

I challenge Tim Burton to make one film without those people. And have it not be a dark fantasy. Direct a Bond movie or something. And while he's at it, hire Hans Zimmer or James Newton Howard.

Just to show that he can.

Obviously it was not without a great deal of apprehension that I watched "Dark Shadows." Seeing Johnny Depp on the cover, once again doing his best to look weird for no reason other than to look weird for weird's sake didn't help. And of course, the fact that it's a movie about vampires was the salt in the wound, because a good vampire movie is rare nowadays. Plus the reception it got had been pretty bad.

But, and maybe this is merely the result of coming at this from the perspective of someone who has never seen the TV show it was based on, I have to say that "Dark Shadows" was not nearly as bad as I had heard it being. In fact I dare say I enjoyed it for a good portion of the film. Now, were there stupid things in it? Oh you bet there were. But it wasn't enough to ruin anything for me. And that's including Johnny Depp, which is quite the achievement because the charm of Depp is running on fumes for me at this point.

The idea of "Dark Shadows" is that Johnny Depp is playing Barnabas Collins, a rich nobleman who is cursed by a witch to be a vampire, since that's how vampires work in this movie. Kind of. More on that later. The witch is played by Eva Green, who looks lovely as she does her best blonde Anne Hathaway impression. She and Barnabas have a fairly complicated relationship. Long story short, they had a fling, he was honest and said he liked her but wasn't in love with her, so she kills his girlfriend, turns him into a vampire and locks him in a coffin till the end of time.

Fast forward to 200 years later, it's the 1970's, and Barnabas is freed from his prison by unwitting and ill fated construction workers. Making his way back home, he finds that what remains of the Collins family is now rather pathetic and pretty much ruined, with the only thing of value they have being the ancient mansion they live in, which is as dilapidated as their bank accounts. Seeing this, Barnabas decides to return the Collins family to their former glory.

He also has to deal with that little problem of that witch who locked him in a box for 200 years. She's still around.

"Oh don't be so dramatic. It was 198 years."

A lot of fuss was made about "Dark Shadows" being a comedy. Honestly, it really wasn't that overt. Yes, there were silly parts in it, and some admittedly funny lines, but the tone never solidified on "comedy" for me. The whole movie was dark enough to stay a drama, in my opinion. I mean, yes, the scene where Johnny Depp and Eva Green are banging on the ceiling was a bit ridiculous, but to be perfectly honest, it kind of made sense to me. And who am I to say that supernatural beings can't have more unique sex than normal people?

Honestly, the funniest character for me was Carolyn, played by my girl Chloë Grace Moretz. Her job is to be the rebellious teen who listens to rock and hangs out with hippies, and her deadpan, disinterested delivery was oddly 90's in a lot of ways, almost like a proto-hipster. Her lines aren't fall-down funny, in fact none of the jokes in "Dark Shadows" are, but it's the tone of her voice when she says stuff to Barnabas like "You're weird" that gave me a chuckle.

Okay, her line "I'm pretty sure he called me a hooker" was actually pretty damn funny.

Of course, there's a really really stupid part involving her at the end, which I won't spoil, but suffice to say it's pretty much the definition of "right the crap out of nowhere." And it has to be from the show. There's no way it couldn't be. The twist they give her character is so out there and without any lead in whatsoever nor resolution or explanation, that it has got to be referencing the TV show. Otherwise they're literally just screwing with stuff.

Something else that bugged me was that the vampire lore in "Dark Shadows" seems a bit...inconsistent. I'm talking about whether or not Barnabas can make other vampires, because it really goes all over the place. At first it would appear that people he bites just die, then later people he bites eventually, much later, come back to life as vampires, but then later a person can *instantly* become immortal the second he bites them. It was all thoroughly confusing, but I suppose in a movie where vampirism is due to a witch's curse, any kind of established lore is out the window.

Little known fact: Vampires love waffles.

That last thing came into play at the end of the film, which was really the only part of the movie that I legitimately thought wasn't very good. I did not like the ending, not so much because it was bad, but it seemed really rushed and somewhat at odds with the rest of the story, all in an effort to end it on an upbeat. Maybe not every story needs a happy ending.

Honestly though, it's not really that much to get mad about. I still found "Dark Shadows" to be decently entertaining, despite some annoying stuff like that. A lot of that has to do with the cast, which I found to be quite good. And that's including Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, who I was not expecting to like. There was also Michelle Pfeiffer, and it's nice to see her again. And of course having Chloë Grace Moretz in it was awesome, but I was also jazzed to see Jackie Earl Haley is in it too, and having just those two is frankly enough to make me watch it alone. Oh and Alice Cooper makes an appearance. He plays himself. And yes it is silly.

And no, I don't know why it's the 70's and he looks to be a senior citizen. Don't mind that.

So I guess "Dark Shadows" gets a pass from me. In much the same way as "The Raven" got a pass, I think. It's not that it was necessarily good, but it was so much better than the reception had lead one to believe it to be. Hooray for lowered standards, I guess?

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Dark Shadows" surprised me by being a recent Tim Burton movie I liked, mostly because it really doesn't feel like a Tim Burton movie. While not an outstanding achievement in film making by any stretch, in terms of a drama/comedy it's actually reasonably entertaining. As long as you're not a huge fan of the TV show, I'd expect, considering its reception.

21 Jump Street (2012)

I've never seen the TV show "21 Jump Street." All I know is that it was a gritty cop drama back in the day starring a young Johnny Depp. That's about it. So when I heard it was being made into a comedy starring now-not-fat Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum, I was skeptical for obvious reasons. Even though I have no nostalgic reasons to feel defensive of the show, it seemed like a betrayal no matter how you sliced it. And what exactly are the odds in Vegas for something being improved by the addition of the phrase "comedic re-imagining" without the inclusion of Mel Brooks? I wouldn't put too much down on it.

I have to admit that there were lines in the trailer that made me laugh. Jonah Hill staring at a knife sticking out of his back and saying "When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!" in particular got a hearty chuckle from me. The rest I wasn't really sold on. For as funny as that one line was, right after that we got Jonah Hill getting hit by a car and mumbling "I think I crapped my pants." That's when I got worried about the level of humor involved. It kind of looked like something Seth Rogan would be in, or maybe Kevin James if it was PG-13 and involved a Rob Schneider cameo.

What I'm saying is that it didn't look that funny. Holy crap was I wrong. "21 Jump Street" was amazing.

There's not really much you can say about a good comedy aside from the fact that it was good. It was funny. It was well written, it had an effective character arc for Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum so they weren't just bumbling idiots but actually seemed like real people, and there was an interesting enough story going on between all the funny stuff that it didn't seem like just a gag reel. And most importantly, I liked these characters. That's actually pretty rare for me and comedies.

::flip:: "Are these supposed to be loaded?" ::flip:: "What?" ::flip:: "We should probably unload these." ::flip:: "Naw, man. Come on. ::flip:: It's no fun that way." ::flip::

I found it quite intriguing what "21 Jump Street" did with these characters. Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum are two guys who went to high school together, and weren't exactly what you'd call friends. Jonah Hill was shy and while he never did anything to make himself a nerd or a geek, he was smart so of course he was unpopular. Channing Tatum was a popular lunkhead jock. Perfect casting right there.

After graduation they both become cops but wind up sucking at it pretty hardcore. Since the department wants nothing to do with them, but they still look young, they are transferred to the 21 Jump Street division, which is an undercover job going into high schools to bust drug rings. So they're go back to school, something Jonah Hill dreads and Channing Tatum thinks is going to be a cakewalk.

But school has changed in the 5 some years since they've been gone, and there's a whole new dynamic. Students are more PC, tolerant, and socially aware than before. It's not cool anymore to drive a flashy, loud car - now it's cool to have a hybrid. Kids in honors classes aren't mocked and given swirlies, and punching someone in the face isn't generally looked upon as an awesome thing. Also, there are hipsters, which completely confuses the two main characters.

Now whether or not this is a realistic change is subject to debate. It's pretty out there to think that the entire social dynamic of students can change that much in 5 years. That never really bothered me too much, though, since the film kept it pretty well within the lines of plausibility.

What that change does to the characters though is interesting. Channing Tatum is no longer the cool kid. His thuggish, arrogant behavior is met with scorn and shock, and while Jonah Hill isn't exactly Mr. Popular, he's no longer the object of ridicule. Because of that, they have to basically relearn how to act in high school, to some pretty funny results. In particular, Channing Tatum having to take AP Chemistry led to some of the bigger laughs I got from the classroom segments of "21 Jump Street." It's awesome to see the frustration and rage building up underneath the exterior of a character who's never had to think that hard about anything in his life. You can almost see the solder melting.

Aww, he's wearing a science sweater! Those are the best sweaters!

It would also be remiss to not mention Ice Cube as well. As is normal for any movie that he has a supporting role in, he runs away with every scene he's in. Someone needs to make a movie staring him and Samuel L. Jackson and call it "Angry Yelling Black Dudes." It would basically be the best movie of all time. In any case, Ice Cube screaming at Jonah Hill to "stop bothering Korean Jesus" had me near tears. Well played, Mr. Cube.

THE BOTTOM LINE - It is difficult to write about a comedy that was good without just repeating all your favorite jokes, which places them out of context anyways. Let it suffice to say that "21 Jump Street" was a huge shock to me with how much I liked it. Any diehard fan of the show might be a tad offended (especially due to an in-cannon cameo that gives a rather embarrassing death to characters from the show), but if you can look past that, "21 Jump Street" is probably going to wind of being one of the best comedies of the year. Recommended.