G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)

Am I the only sick S.O.B. here who found the original "G.I. Joe" to be entertaining? True it wasn't any kind of masterpiece by any stretch, but I had a shockingly good time watching it. I think the reason was the relatively minimal amount of superfluous B.S. attached to it. It was a movie that knew what it wanted to be, there weren't any notable boring stretches that I recall, and it was so over-the-top that it was just generally kind of awesome in a ridiculous kind of way.

So, as surprising as this may be to people who know me, I was actually looking forward to the sequel. The addition of Dwayne Johnson and Bruce Willis to the cast was enough to make believe that there might actually be something worthwhile to be found here.

Normally that kind of lead-in implies that I'm about to drop a really negative statement saying that my beliefs were sadly misled, but that's not happening here. Like its predecessor, I enjoyed "G.I. Joe: Retaliation." And like what happened with its predecessor, I'm sure my opinion is going to be a bit outside the normal since I'm guessing most will find it to be dumb. But I call it like I see it.

Following the events from the first film, but only bringing back a scant handful of cast members from it, we find the Joes doing their Joe thing and blowing stuff up, led by Duke (Channing Tatum) and new addition Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson). Apparently they are like BFFs. I had not been aware of that previously, since you know, Roadblock wasn't in the last movie. Meanwhile the POTUS is a Cobra imposter, and takes the opportunity to frame the Joes for...something, I don't know, and under that pretense orders an airstrike which wipes nearly all of them out. This leads to the surprising and frankly gutsy move to kill off Duke in the opening 20 minutes of the film.

Yeah, spoiler alert but honestly, do you really care all that much?

The survivors of the attack, Roadblock, Flint (D.J. Cotrona) and Lady Jaye (Adrianna Palicki) make their way back to the States to deal out the vengeance, as Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and newcomer Jinx (Elodie Yung) reenact the greatest game of Ninja Gaiden ever and pursue evil ninja Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) to a monastery in the mountains. This makes for the most entertaining bit of the movie, as we are treated to absolutely insane ninja shenanigans over, across and around mountainsides as if "Cliffhanger" were suddenly "The Matrix." And that's pretty cool.

That also begins a trend with "G.I. Joe: Retaliation," which is that when you boil it down, this is actually a ninja movie. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow may not have the most screen time, since that had to be given to the guys with their names big on the poster, but their story contains some of the more memorable moments of the film. And honestly if you took everybody else out you'd still have a reasonably coherent movie reminiscent of something Chuck Norris might have starred in back in the late 80's. And that's kind of awesome.

The President has been kidnapped. And Snake Eyes is indeed a bad enough dude.

If you watch the film from that perspective, it's actually pretty well done. I mean yeah, their storyline has The RZA showing up every once in a while to be really bad at acting, but other than that it's fun. I've seldom reason for complaint when ninja craziness is done well, and this film does indeed feature well done ninja craziness. So point to "G.I. Joe: Retaliation."

The rest of it is just acceptable. It's much like the first movie, being basically a highlight reel of explosions and shell casings flying out from the screen. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you. I'm not going to begrudge an action movie for having lots of action. And in a surprising twist, it's actually decently filmed action as well, occasional shaky-cam overindulgence aside. But it does get quite silly as far as the plot goes, and I'm talking the "G.I. Joe" cartoon level silly here. You know, the kind of silly where it stops you in your tracks, makes you do a double take and say "There's no freaking way." The amount that the imposter POTUS is able to get away with simply because he is the POTUS and the military hardware Cobra has simply because they're Cobra and have military hardware is pretty ridiculous.

 Don't you need 2/3's Senate approval to fly evil tyrant overlord banners from the White House?

That does lead to some (possibly intentionally) hilarious moments. My favorite was when the 8 world superpowers at a peace conference all whipped out their Nuclear Holocaust briefcases, which they all had with them just because I guess that's something you never leave home without, and they all pushed The Button in the most severe case of "Well that escalated quickly" ever recorded in movie history. But hey, it's "G.I. Joe." If you're not just rolling with it, your gonna have a bad time. And honestly, that scene did pay off far better than I was expecting it to. Cobra's plot is insane, but it did make the slightest bit of hypothetical sense.
 
I have to admit that I don't like the fact that Channing Tatum isn't in it for very long. I like Dwayne Johnson plenty but Tatum and he have really good chemistry together, far more so than the other two he's with for the majority of the film, and it was a real blow to the film to lose that. Even Bruce Willis just kind of seems bored here when he finally shows up, so it's like Johnson's got nothing to work with. But he and Tatum make a really good team.

So take all that for what it's worth. I'm not sure what I expected, but whatever it was I think I got it. Let it not be said I don't enjoy dumb stuff on occasion. I think it's just a matter of technical skill in which said dumb stuff was done. Hey, I've seen it done way worse. That's got to count for something.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

And can you believe that, in a startling upset, we have a film with a generic subtitle like "Retaliation" that ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE?! There IS retaliation in this film! And it fits the themes of the movie! I am so shocked by this I can't even tell you. Massive credit to "G.I. Joe" from me.

Check out the trailer for "G.I. Joe Retaliation!"

THE BOTTOM LINE - While "G.I. Joe: Retaliation" is probably going to be looked down at by everyone trying to not appear dumb, I have to admit that it and its predecessor were entertaining. Both films contain imaginative, over-the-top set pieces and action segments, they're pretty to look at, and despite the neutered PG-13 violence they manage to be fairly badass. While I think the previous one was a slight bit better, "Retaliation" had more awesome ninja stuff. I liked it.

Magic Mike (2012)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Say what you want, but it was a choice between this and "Ted." And I tell you without equivocation that I would rather watch a day-long parade of nothing but gyrating man-ass than expose myself to 15 seconds of Seth MacFarlane and his brutally unfunny schtick. The entirety of "Magic Mike" could have been nothing but Matthew McConaughey shaving his testicles in close, intimate, unflinching detail and I still would have called it a measurable step up from anything made by the guy who gave us "American Dad."

And what do you know? "Magic Mike" did turn out to essentially be a parade of nothing but gyrating man-ass. Well, I guess I can't complain. I'm not sure what else I expected. And besides, it's not like it's not a collection of nice asses. It could have been worse. It's not like it's Harvey Fierstein up on stage ripping off his stripper pants and humping the air to dubstep in a thong. Channing Tatum at least has the physique to do that inoffensively. Although I'm sure if you asked Harvey nicely he might oblige you.

You know, there might be something to that.

Most people probably know that "Magic Mike" is roughly based on Channing Tatum's own time as a male stripper. Which character is supposed to be Channing Tatum, I'm not quite sure. I mean, Channing Tatum is playing Magic Mike, but Magic Mike might not be Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum might be The Kid, played by Alex Pettyfer. So Alex Pettyfer might be Channing Tatum. Except that he's The Kid. Who might be Channing Tatum. Who is Magic Mike.

"Magic Mike" is the story of Mike (Channing Tatum), a guy with big dreams and a lot going on as he has a dozen different ventures he's trying to get off the ground. How serious he is about all them is debatable, and you get the impression he's just doing a little bit of everything and hoping that eventually something sticks. In the meantime he's a male stripper at a club in Florida, run by his friend and business partner Dallas, played pitch perfectly by the always amazing Matthew McConaughey. When young schmuck Adam (Alex Pettyfer) by way of circumstance ends up helping out and then dancing at the club one night, Mike decides to take him under his wing and teach him the Jedi ways of male stripping.

What follows is the familiar story of the temptations of glamor and money corrupting the rookie while the weary veteran struggles to decide if he wants to continue or not. Of course there's also the mentor character who is completely invested in the lifestyle and refuses to apologize for anything. And we can't have a movie with a story like this without the nagging love interest who makes the weary veteran realize he needs to get out.

This is all standard stuff for a plot of this nature. And if you've come to "Magic Mike" looking for a film to break from stereotypes and well-trodden stories, this isn't the movie for you. It's a fairly cut and paste affair in those terms. But that isn't to say "Magic Mike" is bad, because here's the surprise: Despite being a touch cliche, it's actually a pretty good flick.

Little known fact - Matthew McConaughey has a stage in his house and keeps a cadre of women there for this very purpose.

Director Steven Soderbergh knows what he's doing. I'm not a huge fan of all of his films, but I can't lie and say the man doesn't know how to tell a story. So that aspect is covered, but the script from Reid Carolin gives the story a very organic flow that always feels natural despite being very familiar. There isn't any scene that hits you over the head with the corruption of the business Adam "The Kid" finds himself exposed to. It's not like an after school special or a Very Important Episode™ of your favorite sitcom. It's a bit more sneaky than that.

I think a lot of that is because it's told through the perspective of Magic Mike. We don't see The Kid doing a lot of what he's doing, it's more like every once in a while we check in on him to see that he's gone down a few more notches in terms of "doing smart things." But only a few. Not enough to get too worried about him. But after a while all that nickle and dime crap starts adding up until he's laying face down in a puddle of his own puke while owning drug dealers $16,000. And the movie does end up going darker places than I was anticipating it to go. In fact I'd call the end outright sullen.

But why in the world am I talking about all that stuff? There's only one reason to watch "Magic Mike," am I right? Let's talk about stripping.

Oh I get it. He's inferring that, as a sexy construction worker, sometimes he has to sit astride support beams high in the air, and it's very scary, and he's showing that he is unafraid of heights.

As weird as it is to watch a dude dry hump the air over and over again, I must admit that the dancing is pretty entertaining. It's mixed a bit half and half between break dancing type stuff, which Channing Tatum is actually really good at, and the stripping aspect, which I suppose he's also good at. I haven't seen enough male strippers to compare, but in any case it's a hell of a lot better than I could do. McConaughey gets a scene where he takes it off as well, which was pretty awesome since it's McConaughey. That's really my only rationale behind that statement. What can I say, I'm a mark for the dude.

The only thing that was kind of distracting yet also pretty funny at the same time was trying to figure out what in the hell Kevin Nash was doing on the runway. He plays a dude named Tarzan, who I guess is supposed to be a dancer who is past his prime but is still stripping. It's pretty amusing watching him at the end of the chorus line the boys have going on, barely being able to lift one foot after the other and slightly swing his arms around while everyone else on stage is busting movies like they're on the set of "So You Think You Can Dance." I think it's less a matter of him being older and more of a matter of him being like 8 feet tall and having the coordination of Andre the Giant on a morphine drip.

And you know what? After seeing this movie, I think I'd rather watch a dude stripper than a lady stripper. You know why? It's because dudes need to work it more. They have to try harder. The male body is not as inherently sexy as a lady's. Unless you're gay, I suppose, but still I think even a gay dude could appreciate where I'm coming from. You know what I'm saying? True, there are lady strippers who will go all out and spin around a pole like they're going out for the Olympics, but all they really have to do is walk around the stage with next to no clothes on and whip their hair a bit to Mötley Crüe and they would probably get enough singles tucked into their g-string to at least buy a combo meal at Wendy's.

A guy's gotta sell it, so you get a better product. Therefore it's more entertaining. A six-pack can only take you so far, and let's be honest. Ladies, you would be far more demanding of a dude stripper than dudes would be of a lady stripper. We're easy, you're not. I think it's all the dancing shows you watch. Your expectations are through the roof. But on the plus side, it does make for better stage shows.

You know, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's not the way to give CPR.

And to be fair to "Magic Mike" and all the guys who refused to watch it, there's actually more female nudity than male nudity in this movie. Heck, nearly every nerd's fantasy in the world was fulfilled within the first 3 minutes of the film when Oliva Munn appears topless. Yeah, the dancing (and there's a lot of it) is total lady fan-service, but I can't help but feel that if a woman watched this movie expecting some good old hardcore exploitative objectification of men they might walk away disappointed as the big guns in terms of graphic nudity were relegated to the ladies. That's kind of messed up, actually. But that's the way Hollywood rolls. If a lady is naked it's rated R, slapped with "Brief Graphic Nudity" and nobody says a word.

But if there is penis on screen...

The world is still reeling from Dr. Manhattan's big, blue dong.

THE BOTTOM LINE - I liked "Magic Mike." Despite being cliched it's a fun movie, the dancing is actually quite entertaining, McConaughey is worth price of admission alone, and even Channing Tatum managed to be a likeable protagonist, and even if he was kind of a meat-head he's a likable meat-head who can dance. One of the bigger surprises for me of the year.

Is this where I'm supposed to say "No Homo?"

21 Jump Street (2012)

I've never seen the TV show "21 Jump Street." All I know is that it was a gritty cop drama back in the day starring a young Johnny Depp. That's about it. So when I heard it was being made into a comedy starring now-not-fat Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum, I was skeptical for obvious reasons. Even though I have no nostalgic reasons to feel defensive of the show, it seemed like a betrayal no matter how you sliced it. And what exactly are the odds in Vegas for something being improved by the addition of the phrase "comedic re-imagining" without the inclusion of Mel Brooks? I wouldn't put too much down on it.

I have to admit that there were lines in the trailer that made me laugh. Jonah Hill staring at a knife sticking out of his back and saying "When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!" in particular got a hearty chuckle from me. The rest I wasn't really sold on. For as funny as that one line was, right after that we got Jonah Hill getting hit by a car and mumbling "I think I crapped my pants." That's when I got worried about the level of humor involved. It kind of looked like something Seth Rogan would be in, or maybe Kevin James if it was PG-13 and involved a Rob Schneider cameo.

What I'm saying is that it didn't look that funny. Holy crap was I wrong. "21 Jump Street" was amazing.

There's not really much you can say about a good comedy aside from the fact that it was good. It was funny. It was well written, it had an effective character arc for Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum so they weren't just bumbling idiots but actually seemed like real people, and there was an interesting enough story going on between all the funny stuff that it didn't seem like just a gag reel. And most importantly, I liked these characters. That's actually pretty rare for me and comedies.

::flip:: "Are these supposed to be loaded?" ::flip:: "What?" ::flip:: "We should probably unload these." ::flip:: "Naw, man. Come on. ::flip:: It's no fun that way." ::flip::

I found it quite intriguing what "21 Jump Street" did with these characters. Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum are two guys who went to high school together, and weren't exactly what you'd call friends. Jonah Hill was shy and while he never did anything to make himself a nerd or a geek, he was smart so of course he was unpopular. Channing Tatum was a popular lunkhead jock. Perfect casting right there.

After graduation they both become cops but wind up sucking at it pretty hardcore. Since the department wants nothing to do with them, but they still look young, they are transferred to the 21 Jump Street division, which is an undercover job going into high schools to bust drug rings. So they're go back to school, something Jonah Hill dreads and Channing Tatum thinks is going to be a cakewalk.

But school has changed in the 5 some years since they've been gone, and there's a whole new dynamic. Students are more PC, tolerant, and socially aware than before. It's not cool anymore to drive a flashy, loud car - now it's cool to have a hybrid. Kids in honors classes aren't mocked and given swirlies, and punching someone in the face isn't generally looked upon as an awesome thing. Also, there are hipsters, which completely confuses the two main characters.

Now whether or not this is a realistic change is subject to debate. It's pretty out there to think that the entire social dynamic of students can change that much in 5 years. That never really bothered me too much, though, since the film kept it pretty well within the lines of plausibility.

What that change does to the characters though is interesting. Channing Tatum is no longer the cool kid. His thuggish, arrogant behavior is met with scorn and shock, and while Jonah Hill isn't exactly Mr. Popular, he's no longer the object of ridicule. Because of that, they have to basically relearn how to act in high school, to some pretty funny results. In particular, Channing Tatum having to take AP Chemistry led to some of the bigger laughs I got from the classroom segments of "21 Jump Street." It's awesome to see the frustration and rage building up underneath the exterior of a character who's never had to think that hard about anything in his life. You can almost see the solder melting.

Aww, he's wearing a science sweater! Those are the best sweaters!

It would also be remiss to not mention Ice Cube as well. As is normal for any movie that he has a supporting role in, he runs away with every scene he's in. Someone needs to make a movie staring him and Samuel L. Jackson and call it "Angry Yelling Black Dudes." It would basically be the best movie of all time. In any case, Ice Cube screaming at Jonah Hill to "stop bothering Korean Jesus" had me near tears. Well played, Mr. Cube.

THE BOTTOM LINE - It is difficult to write about a comedy that was good without just repeating all your favorite jokes, which places them out of context anyways. Let it suffice to say that "21 Jump Street" was a huge shock to me with how much I liked it. Any diehard fan of the show might be a tad offended (especially due to an in-cannon cameo that gives a rather embarrassing death to characters from the show), but if you can look past that, "21 Jump Street" is probably going to wind of being one of the best comedies of the year. Recommended.

Haywire (2012)

Whenever you look at the poster of a movie and see something to the effect of "Starring Professional Athlete _____," it is seldom reason to have high expectations. A person crossing over from sports to acting is a risky venture that at best can seem gimmicky, and at worst can wind up being painful to watch. It's just hard to get excited about an athlete being in a movie.

Now, to be fair, this doesn't always end poorly. Vinnie Jones played European football. Schwarzenegger was a bodybuilder. UFC fighter "Rampage" Jackson made an awesome Mr. T. You've also got professional wrestlers like The Rock, Steve Austin and even Jessie Ventura who went on to be pretty decent actors. Plus, who could forget Andre The Giant in "The Princess Bride?" And of course there's NFL great Jim Brown of "The Dirty Dozen" fame. This isn't always a guaranteed tragedy...

Especially when you consider the incredible stew that former Oakland Raiders can get going.

...but then you've also got Michael Jorden, Hulk Hogan, John Cena, Dennis Rodman and Shaq. I don't care how many awesome action stars the sports world produces, there is no forgetting or forgiving the double whammy of "Steel" and "Kazaam." Say what you will about the rest of the bad actors the sports world has produced, at least Rowdy Roddy Piper could deliver awesomely bad one-liners. But with Shaq, you've got a guy whose film career killed the comic book movie genre for a decade. That puts a damper on the whole shebang. It's like saying The Galactic Empire was pretty decent apart from that whole Alderaan thing.

And do we even need to bring up "Shaq-Fu?"

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. "Haywire."

Gina Carano is the athlete throwing her hand in the acting ring in this endeavor. The MMA fighter had only been in one film before, the Michael Jai White feature "Blood and Bone," although she was in "Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3" (true story). So for "Haywire," her first headlining role, they did what was either a brilliant or very stupid thing and surrounded her with a cast of some of the most amazing actors around. This my friends...is ballsy.

Think about it. You've got an untested athlete as your main role. Do you really want to put them on the screen next to Ewan McGregor, Michael Fassbender, Michael Douglas, Bill Paxton and Antonio freaking Banderas? Good gravy. If anyone is going to make a newbie look bad, it's these guys. At this point why don't they just throw in Liam Neeson, Morgen Freeman and James Earl Jones to make the bar even higher? Even co-star Channing Tatum, like him or hate him (I think he's pretty decent, actually) has a higher pedigree than Gina Carano. This is a pretty risky venture.

Imagine my surprise, then, when Gina actually managed to step up to the plate and hold her own next to the big dogs. I'm not saying that she's on the same acting level as Michael Fassbender, because it's not even close (although few are on his level), but it amazed me that she was as convincing as she was. She must have been getting some really good advice from her veteran co-stars, because the last thing she came across as was novice. She was confident and had a strong screen presence, which meant that "Haywire" was free to be what I was hoping it would be: a lot of fun.

"Best. Death. Ever."

"Haywire" is a spy movie in the same way that the "Bourne" series is. It's played on a more realistic level, so there's no super-gadgets, and the plot is always, without fail going to involve the hero getting double-crossed by their superiors. It's just the rule. If James Bond were played more "realistically" then they would need a new M each time because Bond would always have to end up killing them at the end of every movie because M would always sell Bond out. Because that wouldn't get old fast. It's actually more shocking if the spy actually has colleges that don't try to kill them.

Spy movie gripes aside, I found "Haywire" to be a very well made and entertaining film. Like I implied earlier, the plot is nothing you haven't seen before, since spy movies have such a rigid formula to their "twists and turns" that they are always laughably predictable, but it handles the story very well. Of course, the big reason most people would want to see it is to see an MMA fighter beating the snot out of A-list Hollywood actors. And that's another thing "Haywire" manages to do quite well.

The action scenes are really quite shocking with how convincing they are. They aren't as brutal as the "Bourne" series, despite those films having a PG-13 and this one having an R rating, but the hits all have a great impact to them. Every punch to the face or foot to the kneecap feels like it hurts. It looks so legit that I found myself wondering more than once if Gina Carano, who obviously did her own stunts, wasn't actually getting punched in the face. It would make sense considering her background, but still. Dang, that looked real.

 

 Ow.

Adding to the realism of the fight scenes was the fact that there really wasn't much, if any music going on during them. Any time Gina was fighting hand to hand, the only soundtrack was the hits and crashes of the actors destroying whatever room they happened to be in at the time. At first it wasn't noticeable, but eventually you do notice its absence, kind of like a void just sitting in the room with you. It doesn't detract or distract in any way, but it does add a uniqueness to the fight scenes which help them stand out from the slew of other movies that are very similar to it.

If I was going to complain about anything it would be two things. The first is that I was never fully on board with the way the exposition was handled. Basically, the first two acts of the film are a flashback of the last few days that Gina is relating to a dude whom she basically just kidnapped, I guess for the purposes of "If I don't make it back you have to tell someone what happened." Every once in a while we cut back to them in the car as the dude asks her "So then what happened?" As a plot device it works okay, but I never really saw the point of the dude she kidnaps. The movie really could have just been told chronologically.

The second thing that bugged me: the deer. That's all I'll say, but trust me when I say that your reaction will be "Well, that was random."

This thing is about to screw with you. Seriously.

THE BOTTOM LINE - I actually really liked "Haywire." I was drawn in by the cast, which contains some of my favorite actors ever, but I was pleasantly surprised with how well it all came together, something more than I was expecting considering the fact that the headlining star is an MMA fighter new to acting. It's a lot of fun. Recommended for a good solid action flick.