Magic Mike (2012)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Say what you want, but it was a choice between this and "Ted." And I tell you without equivocation that I would rather watch a day-long parade of nothing but gyrating man-ass than expose myself to 15 seconds of Seth MacFarlane and his brutally unfunny schtick. The entirety of "Magic Mike" could have been nothing but Matthew McConaughey shaving his testicles in close, intimate, unflinching detail and I still would have called it a measurable step up from anything made by the guy who gave us "American Dad."

And what do you know? "Magic Mike" did turn out to essentially be a parade of nothing but gyrating man-ass. Well, I guess I can't complain. I'm not sure what else I expected. And besides, it's not like it's not a collection of nice asses. It could have been worse. It's not like it's Harvey Fierstein up on stage ripping off his stripper pants and humping the air to dubstep in a thong. Channing Tatum at least has the physique to do that inoffensively. Although I'm sure if you asked Harvey nicely he might oblige you.

You know, there might be something to that.

Most people probably know that "Magic Mike" is roughly based on Channing Tatum's own time as a male stripper. Which character is supposed to be Channing Tatum, I'm not quite sure. I mean, Channing Tatum is playing Magic Mike, but Magic Mike might not be Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum might be The Kid, played by Alex Pettyfer. So Alex Pettyfer might be Channing Tatum. Except that he's The Kid. Who might be Channing Tatum. Who is Magic Mike.

"Magic Mike" is the story of Mike (Channing Tatum), a guy with big dreams and a lot going on as he has a dozen different ventures he's trying to get off the ground. How serious he is about all them is debatable, and you get the impression he's just doing a little bit of everything and hoping that eventually something sticks. In the meantime he's a male stripper at a club in Florida, run by his friend and business partner Dallas, played pitch perfectly by the always amazing Matthew McConaughey. When young schmuck Adam (Alex Pettyfer) by way of circumstance ends up helping out and then dancing at the club one night, Mike decides to take him under his wing and teach him the Jedi ways of male stripping.

What follows is the familiar story of the temptations of glamor and money corrupting the rookie while the weary veteran struggles to decide if he wants to continue or not. Of course there's also the mentor character who is completely invested in the lifestyle and refuses to apologize for anything. And we can't have a movie with a story like this without the nagging love interest who makes the weary veteran realize he needs to get out.

This is all standard stuff for a plot of this nature. And if you've come to "Magic Mike" looking for a film to break from stereotypes and well-trodden stories, this isn't the movie for you. It's a fairly cut and paste affair in those terms. But that isn't to say "Magic Mike" is bad, because here's the surprise: Despite being a touch cliche, it's actually a pretty good flick.

Little known fact - Matthew McConaughey has a stage in his house and keeps a cadre of women there for this very purpose.

Director Steven Soderbergh knows what he's doing. I'm not a huge fan of all of his films, but I can't lie and say the man doesn't know how to tell a story. So that aspect is covered, but the script from Reid Carolin gives the story a very organic flow that always feels natural despite being very familiar. There isn't any scene that hits you over the head with the corruption of the business Adam "The Kid" finds himself exposed to. It's not like an after school special or a Very Important Episode™ of your favorite sitcom. It's a bit more sneaky than that.

I think a lot of that is because it's told through the perspective of Magic Mike. We don't see The Kid doing a lot of what he's doing, it's more like every once in a while we check in on him to see that he's gone down a few more notches in terms of "doing smart things." But only a few. Not enough to get too worried about him. But after a while all that nickle and dime crap starts adding up until he's laying face down in a puddle of his own puke while owning drug dealers $16,000. And the movie does end up going darker places than I was anticipating it to go. In fact I'd call the end outright sullen.

But why in the world am I talking about all that stuff? There's only one reason to watch "Magic Mike," am I right? Let's talk about stripping.

Oh I get it. He's inferring that, as a sexy construction worker, sometimes he has to sit astride support beams high in the air, and it's very scary, and he's showing that he is unafraid of heights.

As weird as it is to watch a dude dry hump the air over and over again, I must admit that the dancing is pretty entertaining. It's mixed a bit half and half between break dancing type stuff, which Channing Tatum is actually really good at, and the stripping aspect, which I suppose he's also good at. I haven't seen enough male strippers to compare, but in any case it's a hell of a lot better than I could do. McConaughey gets a scene where he takes it off as well, which was pretty awesome since it's McConaughey. That's really my only rationale behind that statement. What can I say, I'm a mark for the dude.

The only thing that was kind of distracting yet also pretty funny at the same time was trying to figure out what in the hell Kevin Nash was doing on the runway. He plays a dude named Tarzan, who I guess is supposed to be a dancer who is past his prime but is still stripping. It's pretty amusing watching him at the end of the chorus line the boys have going on, barely being able to lift one foot after the other and slightly swing his arms around while everyone else on stage is busting movies like they're on the set of "So You Think You Can Dance." I think it's less a matter of him being older and more of a matter of him being like 8 feet tall and having the coordination of Andre the Giant on a morphine drip.

And you know what? After seeing this movie, I think I'd rather watch a dude stripper than a lady stripper. You know why? It's because dudes need to work it more. They have to try harder. The male body is not as inherently sexy as a lady's. Unless you're gay, I suppose, but still I think even a gay dude could appreciate where I'm coming from. You know what I'm saying? True, there are lady strippers who will go all out and spin around a pole like they're going out for the Olympics, but all they really have to do is walk around the stage with next to no clothes on and whip their hair a bit to Mötley Crüe and they would probably get enough singles tucked into their g-string to at least buy a combo meal at Wendy's.

A guy's gotta sell it, so you get a better product. Therefore it's more entertaining. A six-pack can only take you so far, and let's be honest. Ladies, you would be far more demanding of a dude stripper than dudes would be of a lady stripper. We're easy, you're not. I think it's all the dancing shows you watch. Your expectations are through the roof. But on the plus side, it does make for better stage shows.

You know, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's not the way to give CPR.

And to be fair to "Magic Mike" and all the guys who refused to watch it, there's actually more female nudity than male nudity in this movie. Heck, nearly every nerd's fantasy in the world was fulfilled within the first 3 minutes of the film when Oliva Munn appears topless. Yeah, the dancing (and there's a lot of it) is total lady fan-service, but I can't help but feel that if a woman watched this movie expecting some good old hardcore exploitative objectification of men they might walk away disappointed as the big guns in terms of graphic nudity were relegated to the ladies. That's kind of messed up, actually. But that's the way Hollywood rolls. If a lady is naked it's rated R, slapped with "Brief Graphic Nudity" and nobody says a word.

But if there is penis on screen...

The world is still reeling from Dr. Manhattan's big, blue dong.

THE BOTTOM LINE - I liked "Magic Mike." Despite being cliched it's a fun movie, the dancing is actually quite entertaining, McConaughey is worth price of admission alone, and even Channing Tatum managed to be a likeable protagonist, and even if he was kind of a meat-head he's a likable meat-head who can dance. One of the bigger surprises for me of the year.

Is this where I'm supposed to say "No Homo?"

Haywire (2012)

Whenever you look at the poster of a movie and see something to the effect of "Starring Professional Athlete _____," it is seldom reason to have high expectations. A person crossing over from sports to acting is a risky venture that at best can seem gimmicky, and at worst can wind up being painful to watch. It's just hard to get excited about an athlete being in a movie.

Now, to be fair, this doesn't always end poorly. Vinnie Jones played European football. Schwarzenegger was a bodybuilder. UFC fighter "Rampage" Jackson made an awesome Mr. T. You've also got professional wrestlers like The Rock, Steve Austin and even Jessie Ventura who went on to be pretty decent actors. Plus, who could forget Andre The Giant in "The Princess Bride?" And of course there's NFL great Jim Brown of "The Dirty Dozen" fame. This isn't always a guaranteed tragedy...

Especially when you consider the incredible stew that former Oakland Raiders can get going.

...but then you've also got Michael Jorden, Hulk Hogan, John Cena, Dennis Rodman and Shaq. I don't care how many awesome action stars the sports world produces, there is no forgetting or forgiving the double whammy of "Steel" and "Kazaam." Say what you will about the rest of the bad actors the sports world has produced, at least Rowdy Roddy Piper could deliver awesomely bad one-liners. But with Shaq, you've got a guy whose film career killed the comic book movie genre for a decade. That puts a damper on the whole shebang. It's like saying The Galactic Empire was pretty decent apart from that whole Alderaan thing.

And do we even need to bring up "Shaq-Fu?"

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. "Haywire."

Gina Carano is the athlete throwing her hand in the acting ring in this endeavor. The MMA fighter had only been in one film before, the Michael Jai White feature "Blood and Bone," although she was in "Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3" (true story). So for "Haywire," her first headlining role, they did what was either a brilliant or very stupid thing and surrounded her with a cast of some of the most amazing actors around. This my friends...is ballsy.

Think about it. You've got an untested athlete as your main role. Do you really want to put them on the screen next to Ewan McGregor, Michael Fassbender, Michael Douglas, Bill Paxton and Antonio freaking Banderas? Good gravy. If anyone is going to make a newbie look bad, it's these guys. At this point why don't they just throw in Liam Neeson, Morgen Freeman and James Earl Jones to make the bar even higher? Even co-star Channing Tatum, like him or hate him (I think he's pretty decent, actually) has a higher pedigree than Gina Carano. This is a pretty risky venture.

Imagine my surprise, then, when Gina actually managed to step up to the plate and hold her own next to the big dogs. I'm not saying that she's on the same acting level as Michael Fassbender, because it's not even close (although few are on his level), but it amazed me that she was as convincing as she was. She must have been getting some really good advice from her veteran co-stars, because the last thing she came across as was novice. She was confident and had a strong screen presence, which meant that "Haywire" was free to be what I was hoping it would be: a lot of fun.

"Best. Death. Ever."

"Haywire" is a spy movie in the same way that the "Bourne" series is. It's played on a more realistic level, so there's no super-gadgets, and the plot is always, without fail going to involve the hero getting double-crossed by their superiors. It's just the rule. If James Bond were played more "realistically" then they would need a new M each time because Bond would always have to end up killing them at the end of every movie because M would always sell Bond out. Because that wouldn't get old fast. It's actually more shocking if the spy actually has colleges that don't try to kill them.

Spy movie gripes aside, I found "Haywire" to be a very well made and entertaining film. Like I implied earlier, the plot is nothing you haven't seen before, since spy movies have such a rigid formula to their "twists and turns" that they are always laughably predictable, but it handles the story very well. Of course, the big reason most people would want to see it is to see an MMA fighter beating the snot out of A-list Hollywood actors. And that's another thing "Haywire" manages to do quite well.

The action scenes are really quite shocking with how convincing they are. They aren't as brutal as the "Bourne" series, despite those films having a PG-13 and this one having an R rating, but the hits all have a great impact to them. Every punch to the face or foot to the kneecap feels like it hurts. It looks so legit that I found myself wondering more than once if Gina Carano, who obviously did her own stunts, wasn't actually getting punched in the face. It would make sense considering her background, but still. Dang, that looked real.

 

 Ow.

Adding to the realism of the fight scenes was the fact that there really wasn't much, if any music going on during them. Any time Gina was fighting hand to hand, the only soundtrack was the hits and crashes of the actors destroying whatever room they happened to be in at the time. At first it wasn't noticeable, but eventually you do notice its absence, kind of like a void just sitting in the room with you. It doesn't detract or distract in any way, but it does add a uniqueness to the fight scenes which help them stand out from the slew of other movies that are very similar to it.

If I was going to complain about anything it would be two things. The first is that I was never fully on board with the way the exposition was handled. Basically, the first two acts of the film are a flashback of the last few days that Gina is relating to a dude whom she basically just kidnapped, I guess for the purposes of "If I don't make it back you have to tell someone what happened." Every once in a while we cut back to them in the car as the dude asks her "So then what happened?" As a plot device it works okay, but I never really saw the point of the dude she kidnaps. The movie really could have just been told chronologically.

The second thing that bugged me: the deer. That's all I'll say, but trust me when I say that your reaction will be "Well, that was random."

This thing is about to screw with you. Seriously.

THE BOTTOM LINE - I actually really liked "Haywire." I was drawn in by the cast, which contains some of my favorite actors ever, but I was pleasantly surprised with how well it all came together, something more than I was expecting considering the fact that the headlining star is an MMA fighter new to acting. It's a lot of fun. Recommended for a good solid action flick.