Conan the Barbarian (1982)

After the disappointment I've suffered at the hands of recent action movies, I felt a need to go back and reconnect with something that was real. Something that was pure. Something that was almost innocent in its primal brutality. Of course I'm talking about Schwarzenegger. And this right here is the movie that put him on the map. 1982's "Conan the Barbarian" was the first hit of Arnold's career, although why "Hercules in New York" posters weren't on the wall of every kid in America in the late 70's I have no idea.

"Conan" is a fun movie, and when you're a nerd like me, there's something about it and movies like it that tend to spark something in the imagination. It doesn't matter that the story is as simple as pointing, grunting, and thrusting both swords and biceps at the screen. That's not why we signed on, although we appreciate the carnage. No, the reason we love it (or at least the reason I do) is because it transports us to another realm in a matter of fact, unflashy manner that doesn't draw too much attention to the fact that it's a fantasy world. It just is.

As much as I love stuff like "Lord of The Rings," there was some pretty out-there stuff, what with horses made from water and spirits of the dead overthrowing a battle in a ridiculous deus ex machina. With "Conan" it was down to earth to the point of being downright gritty, and while there was magic in this world it was much more subtle. The characters seemed more vulnerable, so the fighting had more dramatic impact. The fighting was also far more brutal, which also helps.

Ow.

Yes, it's unlikely that anybody is going to lay a hand on somebody the size of Schwarzenegger, but he actually gets his ass handed to him on a couple of occasions by the bad guys. This is mostly because, being a barbarian, he does some stupid things occasionally. For that reason it's easy to imagine him not being able to defeat Thulsa Doom. And keep in mind, Arnold was not a walking action movie cliche at this point, either. He could conceivably lose, since he's lost before. Can you really tell me with a straight face you ever had the slightest doubt that Aragorn wasn't going to be just fine? And I'm sure we all believed that Gandalf was really gone when he feel down the chasm of Khazad-Dûm.

And unlike Conan, Frodo never got crucified.

What strikes me about "Conan the Barbarian" upon watching it again was that I am amazed how effectively this movie conveys the story, simplistic as it may be, with barely any dialogue at all from our main character. They may sound like a slam but it's not. It's no secret that Arnold is not the best dramatic actor on his best days, especially in the beginning when he was still figuring out that whole "speaking English" thing. But you know what? Arnold is actually really good in this movie.

I'm not joking when I say that. He doesn't utter a single line until over 20 minutes into the film. And before those first lines (the legendary "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women") he had been lashed to a giant wheel for a decade, became a famous gladiator, and a mighty warrior. And all this without a line of dialogue from him. And through his facial expressions, Arnold is able to convey both the rage and emptiness he feels in all these hollow victories that give him no closure or peace.

Despite the break-neck pace of the narrative, which covers a very long time very quickly, I still have a firm grasp on who these people are, what they want, and what they're doing. True, it may be done so quickly and with so little dialogue that it may come off as clumsy at times, but it's still done effectively. I also get the feeling that most of the clumsiness may come from the fact that "Conan" was so influential that now it seems cliche.

(Funny caption unnecessary)

I think what makes "Conan" still hold up on its own is, again, the brutal violence it shows. This is some hard-hitting stuff going on, as we would rightly expect from a movie with the subtitle "The Barbarian." People are getting significantly destroyed here, and it's all done with practical effects and stunt-work. There's no CGI blood going on here, and while that may make it look less flashy, it makes it far more gritty, which is a huge plus.

There are a few other things I'd like to mention. The first is the absolutely phenomenal musical score by Basil Poledouris. Few things can match the power and epic testosterone-laden BALLS of the legendary opening theme to this film. It's among the greatest fantasy movie themes of all time, and I'm including "Star Wars" and "Lord of The Rings" here. If there were a soundtrack to wielding a sword as big as your leg, that's the one.

That or DragonForce.

I'm also a big fan of the cinematography in "Conan The Barbarian." Nearly every shot in this film is like looking at the front of a fantasy novel, or maybe an Amon Amarth album cover. Conan crucified to the Tree of Woe, the giant snake in the temple, Thulsa Doom addressing his disciples from the top of his palace, and young Conan's face as his mother's lifeless body falls at his side, her hand slipping from his grasp, all of these moments are just a few of the dozens upon dozens of gorgeous ones to be found here.

And as much as I remarked on the lack of dialogue from our main character, he and the rest of the cast have some very awesome lines when they open their mouths, and that's from the very beginning as Mako's famous booming narration promises to tell us of the days of high adventure. Many of the best lines come from James Earl Jones, which is not a surprise since he and Max von Sydow are the two most venerable actors in the movie, and unsurprisingly do the best job out of anyone there.

Jones' role as Thulsa Doom is chilling apart from an extremely unfortunate haircut. When he's explaining the Riddle of Steel to Conan (one of the best scenes in the movie, by the way) there's an inherent menace in his voice that makes it so he doesn't really have to do anything to make you afraid of him. His voice does all the work for him, especially when he's saying things like "Now they will learn why they fear the night."

Not enough villains have bangs.

Of course I'm always going to prefer Arnold's lines. And I know the thought of Arnold having a monologue is horrifying to most people, but the prayer he gives right before the big battle near the end is honestly very, very, very good. In any case, nearly every line Arnold has in this movie is an instant classic, and like many 80's Schwarzenegger films, it's endlessly quotable.

I can't be the only one who will randomly say "Crom laughs at your four winds!" to people in a heavy Austrian accent, can I?

There's not much negative I can say about this movie, actually. Yes, it does look a bit dated, and some of the acting, particularly from Sandahl Bergman as Conan's love interest Valeria, could have been better, but that really just adds to the charm of it. And besides, this movie featured among its cast a professional surfer (Gerry Lopez) and a body builder who barely spoke English in the lead role. You're not expecting Brando-level acting here. You really just need a couple heavy hitters to give some dignity to the proceedings and you're good to go, hence the presence of Jones and von Sydow. Although why the spirit of Valeria comes back as a Valkyrie at the end to help Conan I have no idea, since it's never foreshadowed, followed up on, nor explained in any way. That was weird.

Did someone slip you a Phoenix Down? Do ghosts always have the ability to fight in this world? What the hell is going on here?

So that's "Conan The Barbarian." It's one of the better sword and sorcery films out there, especially from the 80's. In fact it basically helped create the whole genre, and many films came after it which directly ripped it off, which unfortunately makes it seem a bit cliched after the fact. But it did what it did better than pretty much any of the movies that it inspired, which isn't difficult since most of those movies sucked really bad. For every "Beastmaster" there was about 27 movies like "Beastmaster 2" or anything starring Miles O'Keefe. Then again, those movies did provide us with fodder for one of the best MST3K episodes ever, "The Cave Dwellers." So add that to the list of reasons why "Conan The Barbarian" is awesome: It got ripped off a lot.

It also indirectly gave us Reb Brown! What? You never saw "Yor?"

Do you doubt the badassery of "Conan?" Check out the trailer!

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Conan The Barbarian" is a fun movie that holds up even though it does show its age at this point. For nerds and geeks though, this is one of the definitive fantasy movies, and it plays out much like one of the many games of high adventure we enjoy. I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a good action flick. THAT is Crom! Strong on his mountain!

Savages (2012)

Considering that not only was the last Oliver Stone movie I watched, "Alexander," so bad that it was one of the only movies I've ever hit the STOP button on, but that the only thing I'd heard about "Savages" was "OH MY GOD NO," I was skeptical going into this one. Or at the least, my expectations could have been entered into a limbo competition.

"Savages" ended up being one of those films that on the surface was easy to dislike. It's way too proud of itself, the protagonists are unlikable, and there is a lingering reek of style over substance prevalent throughout, and I wouldn't care too much to see it again. On the other hand, I didn't feel it was as bad as I had heard it was. In fact, much to my surprise and to the film's credit, I was never bored with it. But in the end there were two things that stopped it from being what I would otherwise consider a solid movie.

"Savages" is a movie about two weed dealers, Ben and Chon, and their girlfriend Ophelia, known simply as O. I should also mention that this movie features gratuitous use of stupid names. I can't tell you how difficult taking a film seriously is when one character has a name that when spoken sounds just like "John" but isn't, and the characters are saying things like "Tell us where O is!" Try looking between N and P you stupid stoner clods.

Oh yeah. I'd love for my rescuers to get baked out of their minds before coming to save me.

Back to the story. That was not a typo earlier when I said O was Chon and Ben's girlfriend. They have a polygamous relationship, which is a concept I have a hard time understanding. Personally I've never been able to wrap my head around sharing a girlfriend with another dude, but I am the jealous type. Ben is an annoying hippie, and Chon is a less annoying ex-military guy who smuggled "the best weed in the world" back from Afghanistan, which they used to start up their business. They've been very successful, so much so that a Mexican drug cartel wants a piece of their action.

When Ben refuses to go along with the deal, the cartel kidnaps O and holds her under threat of death unless Ben and Chon do exactly what they say. And while the cartel is certainly a bunch of jerks, Ben and Chon really have nobody to blame but themselves for what happened. They were stupid, they tried to be smarter than the cartel, and it didn't work so good. Well, that and they let O just traipse around just asking to be kidnapped mere hours before they were set to leave the country. Oops.

That gag in her mouth? Best. Feature. In the film.

The rest of the movie is about Ben and Chon trying to get O back from the cartel using sabotage, a squad of former soldiers and a crooked DEA agent, all while dodging a vicious mobster who is on their trail. To be honest it's not a bad little setup, and I found the plot to be genuinely interesting and well presented.

Taylor Kitsch and Aaron Johnson as Chon and Ben, respectively, both do passable jobs in their roles. Johnson has proven himself to be a fantastic actor as the lead in "Kick-Ass" and was almost unrecognizable as John Lennon in "Nowhere Boy." Here, he's stuck playing a Buddha quoting, hippie douchebag, so he's a bit of a pill, but I guess he did an amiable enough job doing so. He does feel a bit wasted here, as the problems of the movie did tend to overshadow what was a good performance, particularly his disgust and anguish when he is forced to take place in cold blooded killing.

Taylor Kitsch has been something of a reverse-lucky rabbit's foot since starring in not one but two indescribably colossal bombs this summer: "Battleship" and "John Carter." I'm not sure he'll be finding much work after 2012, especially since his best performance thus far has been in "Savages," a movie which barely made its money back. The dude is a walking box office curse. Normally I'd feel sorry for him, but I haven't been impressed enough by his performances to care that much. And yes, this is his best role to date, but he still comes off like a less-charismatic Channing Tatum.

"Hold on. Something's wrong...my god...I don't have a joint in my mouth! Ben? BEN!!! HELP!!!"

Blake Lively as O is, to put it bluntly, terrible. Everything about her in this film is terrible. I'm not sure how you make a character this obnoxious and whiny likeable, but it certainly isn't by casting a crap actress in the role. Like "Highlander 2" trying to retcon Zeist out of the consciousness of moviegoers, Blake Lively should have been expunged from "Savages." And while that would have wrecked a bit of havoc with the plot, it could still be fixable. Have them trying to rescue their pet hamster or something, I don't know. Whatever they chose, it'd be a step up.

There are some shining gems in "Savages," however. They can be found in Benicio Del Toro's absolutely brilliant turn as a terrifying mobster/gardener/80's hairstyle spokesperson, Lado. He's greasy, he's gross, he's creepy, and he's so scary and intimidating that you can never be sure what he's capable of. The closest comparison I can throw out there is that he reminded me of Javier Bardem in "No Country For Old Men." If there was one single reason to see this film, this is it.

Oh my god that hair. Glorious.

The other person who was great in "Savages" was John Travolta. His personal life aside, I'm a big fan of his, and like Nicolas Cage I'm always entertained as hell watching him. Here he's playing the crooked DEA agent who is keeping Chon and Ben safe for some deeply personal reasons. The best scene in the movie, and indeed the best bit of acting in the whole film is a scene between Travolta and Del Toro, surprise surprise, the two best actors in it. In it, Del Toro has Travolta at gunpoint, and Travolta pleads for his life, urging Del Toro to understand why killing him would be the stupidest thing for him to do. It's a dynamite scene which is far better than I expected considering the rest of the cast.

"Ben, am I tripping or is John Travolta in our back seat?"

This brings us to the big problems of "Savages" that had to haven been changed for it to be a decent movie. And while one of those wasn't a deal breaker, it was just really annoying, there is a problem in this film that nearly ruins the entire experience. It also goes beyond my normal nitpicking and becomes something that I don't think a single person watching would be able to call good.

The first change that would have to be made is that the prevalent voice over crap that narrates the film needed to go. Every instance of Blake Lively spewing her overly tongue-in-cheek nonsense should have been removed from the soundtrack. There was no reason for any of that tripe to be in there in the first place, because her exposition is never telling us anything that A) we couldn't have simply found out via visual cues B) isn't redundant because it's often obvious what's going on or C) is crap that we didn't need to know in the first place.

"Savages" thinks it's so freaking clever with it, when it comes across as merely trite and pretentious. The opening voice over tells us "Just because I'm telling you this story doesn't mean I'm alive at the end of it. Yeah, it's one of those stories." Not only is this line reading done very poorly, as Blake Lively is bad at everything having anything to do with acting, but it comes across as snarky and too proud of itself by half. And if there's one thing I hate it's snarky, overly sarcastic characters. And O could be a poster child for snark, if such an organization existed.

I was also confused by O being this all-knowing voice telling us things that she would have no way of knowing, which makes me curious as to how she is telling us this stuff besides the fact that she's the narrator. She spends a good chunk of the movie in captivity (which coincidentally is the most tolerable section of the film, as she's pretty much out of the picture), so how is she supposed to know about events going on that she isn't witness to? Maybe you're saying that she's telling us all this after the fact after getting clued in by Ben and Chon, but if that's the case, how does she know about things that happened when none of them were there? It's a minor nitpick, sure, but she was so irritating I was finding fault all over the place purely out of spite.

Was Benicio texting her when he was off doing his own thing or something?

This breaking of the fourth wall like that is not a small bit annoying, particularly since nothing in the rest of the film does anything close to that. The rest is like a normal, albeit very stylized, 90's film. That is until the ending, which is the other thing that needed a huge overhaul.

The end of "Savages" is, without hyperbole, probably the worst ending to any film I've seen this year. It's so moronic, unwanted and frankly insulting to the audience that it takes what would have otherwise been a flawed yet respectable enough movie and turns it into something that is borderline unrecommendable. I'm not joking either. The end of "Savages" is so bad that it may well be the only thing you'll remember. At the very least it will be the only thing you'll be talking about once the credits start rolling. And they will not be kind words.

I knew about the ending going into it, and while it did instill me with a bit of dread and irritation knowing that the movie I was admittedly invested in and halfway enjoying was going to have a crap ending, it did soften the blow just a bit when it came. So for those of you playing along at home I'm going to go ahead and just tell you about the end, on the off chance you'll see "Savages."

At the end of the movie Chon, Ben, O and Lado all die in a shootout. Everyone is dead. Credits should have started rolling on what would have been a dreary ending, but an acceptable and fitting one. And then Blake Lively starts in with her BS about how "That's how I imagined it was going to happen." The screen starts freaking out, the movie starts rewinding itself and *BAM* we're back at the start of the end scene again - only this time it goes down differently as Lado betrays his boss, and everyone but her lives happily ever after.

Yes. They actually pulled a "Clue." Only it sucked.

It's enough to make you yell at the screen. It's enough to make you face-palm. It's enough to make you feel like you've wasted the past 2 hours. And it's enough to make you wish upon everything holy that Blake Lively's character had been cut completely from the film.

I did all of those things once the "It was all a dream" ending hit. And I knew I was coming, too. I can only imagine how mad I would have been had that caught me off guard. So I'm telling you right now: Do yourselves a favor and stop the movie when they die. The film is over. Roll credits and be happier in the knowledge that you prevented a B- movie from going to a D+. Yeah, the ending is that bad. Everything else is just kind of...mildly acceptable.

In the end it really seems like Oliver Stone was trying to make another "Natural Born Killers." He did not succeed. So...when is he going to make another Vietnam movie?

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Savages" wasn't as bad as I had heard, but it had its share of problems. The severity of those problems depends a lot on your personal tastes. Since I hate snarky characters and too-clever-for-itself writing, it bugged me a fair amount. Take all that out and stop the movie with 5 minutes left and you've got a decent, bloody crime thriller. Although several points are automatically docked for the movie coining the term "Wargasms." Ugh.