Pain & Gain (2013)

So Michael Bay made a movie for $26 million, huh? That is brilliant. Absolute genius, and it needs to happen more often to more directors. Give James Cameron all his usual equipment, the best stuntmen Hollywood can find and Arnold Schwarzenegger on the condition that he can't use CGI at any point. Give him a year time limit, too, since he won't have to wait for the stuntmen to catch up with his vision. Give Spielberg 100 grand, an RV, Tom Hanks and an HD camera and send him on his way. Let's see what he does. Make Uwe Boll film a movie on a cell phone. Hell, it'd probably be a step up from his usual stuff.

It's no secret that I'm not a Michael Bay fan. I guess when I was a kid I was, but that's only because Bay's target audience is the lowest common denominator and stupid children. I think that even at that time I knew what I was watching wasn't very good, but man, when you're 15 years old "Armageddon" just speaks to you. I saw that mess in theaters twice, son. That blew my young mind. And of course "The Rock," which is arguably Bay's best film (although the only reason it's good is the cast) was a monument to my adolescence. Then he did "Transformers" and all affection for Bay was lost on me, with little chance of ever returning.

I think this was the moment when my childhood officially died.

I won't say that "Pain & Gain" has brought me back into the Michael Bay fold, so to speak, but you know something? This is good. This is a really, really, really good movie. And it's not only a testament to the actors involved, almost all of whom give award-worthy performances, not only a testament to the writers, Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, for making a true, horrible story about true, horrible people actually hilarious, but it's also a testament to Michael Bay himself, because with "Pain & Gain" he has outed himself as a very good director when he wants to be. And yes, it pains me to say it, but it's true.

"Pain & Gain" is the "so insane it can only be true" story about a trio of lunkheaded body builders who wanted more out of life. After all, they deserve to live the American Dream. So they kidnapped a rich guy and stole all his stuff. This all led to some torture and cold-blooded murder, and saw two of them ending up on death row. They actually got away with it for a while, but that's mostly because the story was so bonkers that the Miami police didn't buy a word of it. Or they were incompetent. But it was probably a little bit of both.

Danny Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) is the ring leader of the group. He's unsatisfied with his job working as a trainer at a gym when, after attending a motivation seminar by a guy named Johnny Wu (Ken Jeong), he decides he's going to be a "doer" and not a "don'ter." That's when he develops his scheme to kidnap one of his clients, a rich guy named Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub), and take all his stuff. He enlists the help of his friends Adrian (Anthony Mackie) and Paul (Dwayne Johnson), and after a few bungled attempts they nab Victor and hide him in a sex-toy factory for a month before they finally end up with all his money, after which they try to kill him. Of course, since they're idiots they can't even get that right, so Victor is left alive and seething for vengeance.

Even with $26 million, Bay still gets the "Walk away from an explosion all cool" moment.

His only problem is that the police don't believe him for various reasons and, despite dubious circumstances, all the paperwork he was forced to sign while imprisoned which handed his possessions over to Danny is technically legit. Victor hires a private investigator, Ed DuBois (Ed Harris) to get to the bottom of everything, who is the guy who eventually catches up to Danny and the others. Of course Ed is helped by the fact that Danny and the others are, once again, really stupid.

The cast is across the board fantastic. It's takes a lot of talent to make characters this unlikeable be this entertaining, and in some bizarre ways the portrayal makes them almost lovable. Naturally these are terrible people, but you can't help but love Mark Wahlberg and his bright-eyed sincerity. Almost every word out of his mouth is either a terrible idea or something dumb enough to split the Earth in half, but he says it with such innocence and such gravity that you believe that to his 'roided up core he believes every syllable of it.

Even as he's being led away to prison, he's telling the person who caught him that he should work on his quads. I love this guy.

The only person who threatens to steal Wahlberg's thunder is Dwayne Johnson. Now, everyone else was great. They were fantastic. But just in case anyone out there was not yet aware that Dwayne Johnson was a shockingly talented actor, here you go. At first he's the innocent, even dumber, born again Christian simpleton of the group, but as the movie goes on and he indulges in the decadent lifestyle he finds himself immersed in, the drugs and money and pressure and guilt start making him crack. And it doesn't take too long before he's doing more really stupid things, which cause the spiral to go down even further. Meanwhile you can see the cold panic that is setting in right under the surface of his tough guy exterior, but you get the feeling he's too stupid to understand any of it. It really is a stunning performance.

The cameraman attempted the world's most epic high five with Dwayne Johnson. These are his last recorded moments.

One thing that has always remained constant with Bay is his style. As much as I despise the vast majority of his films it can't be denied that he's got a visual thumbprint that is impossible to miss. You know from the first few frames of the film whether or not it's a Michael Bay film. And "Pain & Gain" is no different. The shaky cam, the frankly pointless bits of slow motion, the nearly fluorescent color scheme, lots of lens flares, and the upward angle low-shots and dutch angels that have come to be his trademark are all here. It looks just like "Transformers" but without robots and Shia LaBeouf's stupid face.

And while visually it does border on obnoxious, had this been a first time director I wouldn't have minded. I would have just thought it was a guy with a strong and unique visual calling card, like David Fincher or Stephen Spielberg. I think I only find it obnoxious because it reminds me of other films I despise, which is distracting. I'm sitting there laughing my fool head off at Wahlberg, but in the back of my mind I'm dreading that any moment Skids and Mudflap will show up with fried chicken, watermelon and Kool-Aide.

That brings me to my biggest complaint about "Pain & Gain" - some of the humor. This is not only a Michael Bay movie in visual style, but also on occasion crap that's not really funny. This is a tableau of all the usual testosterone infused sexism, homophobia, bigotry and misogyny present in all his works, only it's cranked up to such levels that it makes me think that it's potentially satirical. I can't really tell. If that's the case it puts a whole new light on his other works, but suggesting that perhaps his brain-dead brand of machismo is a kind of parody is probably giving him too much credit.

That's his chainsawin' shower cap.

There's no way that it's a coincidence that so much of this film is hysterical, while also containing gags that are note-for-note the kind of sophomoric idiocy that we've seen time and time again with his films. The writers are talented, after all they are the duo that wrote "Captain America" and both "Thor" films. I find it hard to believe that they would have a fat man blasting poo all over a hospital bathroom after getting an enema, a priest coming on to Dwayne Johnson, Rob Corddry thinking that Walhberg telling him to "star 69" a guy means having sex with him, or a little person showing up to threaten Wahlberg and Johnson with a bat just because, well, little people are apparently hilarious. That crap is classic Michael Bay, and we've seen it time and time before with him.

I think it's those moments of non sequitur shenanigans that have nothing to do with anything that were put in there by Bay himself. They had to be. The rest of "Pain & Gain" is clearly parody. It's a bit mean spirited and by extension stupid because the characters are stupid, but one thing it isn't is nonsensical. Those random episodes of idiocy that reek of Michael Bay are too dumb to be satire. He's just getting in the way of the talented writers. It'd be like if Seth MacFarlane had been on the writing staff of "Blazing Saddles." All of a sudden Gene Wilder and Cleavon Little would step into a recreation of the music video for Toto's "Africa," because that makes sense, and we're all supposed to laugh because "the 80's."

But just as soon as that crap is over we usually cut to something awesome like Dwayne Johnson grilling human hands, so it all kind of evens out.
 

Even with those things in there, the rest of "Pain & Gain" is honestly kind of brilliant. And I think I've figured out why I liked these characters so much and had such a good time when in another Michael Bay movie I would have hated it. The reason is because unlike Shia LaBeouf or the rest of the cast in the "Transformers" series, we are never meant to like Wahlberg and Johnson. They are terrible people, but "Pain & Gain" doesn't insult us by trying to make us root for them. We don't necessarily want bad things to happen to them because they're so entertaining in their awfulness, but if they were to get caught we'd probably say "Well, they had it coming, the idiots." The horrible things they do are easier to laugh at when we're not expected to be on their side like they're the good guys.
 
Does "Pain & Gain" make me a Michael Bay fan? Hell no. Are you high? I still think his movies are generally borderline hate-crimes against anyone with a brain-stem. But let it not be said that I'm not merciful, because I always give credit where credit is due. This is a good movie. And Michael Bay directed. True, it might be good in spite of him, but it's still good. Now if he can just get away from CGI robots and do more stuff like this, maybe I won't consider scheduling eye removal surgery whenever another one of his films comes out.

Check out the trailer for "Pain & Gain." It's a pretty good representation of what the movie is like. (Red band trailer so NSFW)

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Pain & Gain" is a bit niche based on how utterly sleazy and mean spirited it is, but if you're someone who can appreciate some dark humor than this film is an absolute blast. I'm not completely sure, but this may be my favorite Michael Bay movie. Even if you hate him as a director, I'm seriously recommending this one. Crom help me, this might make my Top 10 of 2013. Trust me, I'm as surprised as you.

Seeking a Friend For The End of The World (2012)

Oh screw this movie. Screw this movie hard with a hedge trimmer. Do I really have to talk about this? Do I really have to sit down here at my desk and relive what turned out to be one of the most depressing 2 hours of my life? I guess I have nobody to blame but myself for it. After all, it was a promise I made to myself that I'd write about every movie I saw regardless of how I felt about it.

So here we sit at the end of the world. And the only thing to keep me company is Steve Carell. Oh, how glorious. I think I've had nightmares of a similar leitmotif. There has been exactly one - ONE - movie that I've found him funny, or even decent in, and that movie was "Anchorman." I will admit that his character of Brick Tamland is the stuff of legend, but for the love of criminy can the man please just get off the whole "awkward equals hilarious" thing?

Comedy is subjective for everyone, that's true. If you are a fan of things like "Seinfeld," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "The Office" or any of the other number of "cringe comedies" out there, then more power to you. Good on ya. Personally I find that particular style of comedy insufferable and boring. But that seems to be Steve Carell's brand of humor now, and for a guy I never found to be that funny in the first place, this can only go downhill from here for me.

Behold. He is unable to filter his thoughts. This makes him say things one wouldn't usually say. Commence laughter.

So what better setting for an awkward non-comedy than the end of the world, am I right? I can't think of a funnier joke to piledrive into the ground over and over and over again like a hammer on an anvil than "Hey! We're all going to die! Isn't that hysterical?!"

HA HA. HA HA HA. HA. >:[

Oh wait. No, it isn't.

Everybody on the face of the Earth dying is not a funny scenario. It's horrifying. Watching a man contemplate all he's missed out on in life is not funny. It's reflective of nearly everyone's regrets and missed opportunities, and it makes me sad. Watching someone having to tearfully say goodbye to their family across the sea that they will never see again over the phone, while finding out she's a new aunt of a child she'll never meet and whose life will only be a week long is not funny. It's heartbreaking like a punch to the soul. Watching a person abandon their dog to a passed-out stranger leaving only a note that says "Sorry" is not funny. It's enough to make me want to punch something in rage and depression.

I swear to everything holy I almost stopped the movie at this point. I wanted to cry.

But the thing that makes me angry isn't the fact that it's about the end of the world. Truthfully, that doesn't bother me. Hell, one of the best movies I saw in 2009 was "The Road," a post-apocalyptic movie so bleak that it could have used dead kittens as Christmas ornaments and it would have lightened the mood. So depressing films I'm okay with.

In fact I'd call the last 15 minutes or so of the film downright poetic. The last shot of the film is actually quite beautiful as (spoiler alert) the world does actually end, and we see Steve Carell's last moment on Earth as he looks upon Keira Knightley's crying but serenely beautiful face as a blinding white light envelopes them both. Roll credits. That's a hell of an ending.

Here's the problem: None of that mattered, because you wasted our time by trying to make it into a comedy.

Let's forget for a minute that "Seeking a Friend For The End of The World" wasn't actually funny at any point. That's a trivial bit of minutiae. The problem is that they tried in the first place. And while it's true that comedy in its basic form should know no bounds, and that nothing should be off limits, that does not mean that everything will work when you try and make a comedy out of it. Penguins don't fly, Mars has two moons, Republicans don't like poor people, and everyone on the face of the planet dying is not funny. These are facts of life. I'm sorry comedy, but there are certain battles that you can't win, and aren't worth fighting.

Here we have Steve Carell doing a spot-on impression on myself while watching this film. Only minus the gun to my head.

So what's the answer to this troubling misstep? Well that's easy. Make it a drama. If "Seeking a Friend For The End of The World" had bypassed all the pathetic attempts at humor, all of which basically boiled down to "None of this matters because we're all dead," and actually made a story about a man dealing with the imminent end of his and everyone else's lives, then that could have been a powerful but strangely pointless study into "Ye Olde Humane Condition." Pointless, but powerful none the less.

Instead we got Steve Carell telling his Mexican cleaning lady that she doesn't have to clean the apartment anymore, since they're all going to die. But she keeps showing up since Mexicans are diligent in their professions. And she reminds him he needs more Windex. Or "Windows" as she calls it since, you know, Mexican.

Instead we got Keira Knightley ditching her boyfriend to the tender mercies of a rioting mob since he was being annoying and paranoid. And then later she starts crying about how scared she is of abandonment. Since you know, consistency.

Instead we have freaking William Peterson (the original Will Graham from "Manhunter") being a truck driver who apparently has hired people to kill him for some reason, which makes no sense because 1) the world is ending in a week and 2) he has cancer but has 3 months to live, which gives him a chuckle since he "lucked out" on that. And then he gets shot as he's sitting in the truck in a surprise bit of violence which leads to nothing except his death. Since that's funny.

Instead we have Steve Carell going to work as they divvy out wild promotions to anyone who wants it since it doesn't matter anyway since they're all going to die, and there's plenty of  positions available since people have been throwing themselves off the roof. All this while one of the women in the room weeps hysterically. Since you know, that's just good comedy right there.

Oh, and don't forget your favorite FM station will still be bringing you all your favorite rock hits up to the end. HA HA HA.

There was exactly one (1) funny joke in the entire movie. A single line that was said that made me chuckle just a little bit. And it's a rape joke. I'm not even kidding with that. That's the funniest bit of the film. I would rant about how much that says about the rest of it, but I think that statement kind of speaks for itself.

Even though the comedy fails on nearly every level, it's impossible to watch "Seeking a Friend For The End of The World" without being aware of it. And it's that annoying prevalence of the film attempting to pander to a wider audience of Steve Carell fans by awkwardly cramming in this utterly black non-humor, since evidently a comedian in a dramatic role is unthinkable and unmarketable, that kills any impact the drama may have had. Instead it comes off as insulting because it doesn't think I can handle a sad movie, which is what this is. It's sad. Get over it, treat us like adults who are watching this already R rated film, and don't try to make it something it's not.

I actually have a sneaking suspicion that this film was originally not meant to be a comedy at all. Well, it's still not, but you know what I mean. I really think that it was meant to be a serious look at what people would do at the end of the world, but when Steve Carell was cast they had to try and make with the funny ha-ha.

You want to know how I know this? Because a true comedy would never be so dumb nor pretentious as to give the main character, a man who is constantly running away from his problems, a name like "Dodge." You heard me. His name...is Dodge. He hides from his problems. GET IT!?!?!

"You can't run from this one, Dodge." <= (Actual quote from the film.)

Oh shut up, "Seeking a Friend For The End of The World." You were supposed to be an artsy tear-jerker and got hijacked by unfunny comedy. I probably wouldn't have liked you even if you had found the dignity to take yourself seriously, but I would at least have respected you a bit more.

You have any idea how much of this I had to watch to feel happiness again?

THE BOTTOM LINE - I hated this movie. I hated it because it was trying to be something it wasn't capable of being: Funny. It was one of the single most depressing movies I've ever seen in my life, I felt like slitting my wrists after it was done, and I can't in good conscious recommend anyone else experience it. Had it been serious, I would have still disliked it, but I would have praised its power. But as it is, it's embarrassing just how utterly hard the comedic premise face-planted, making the damn thing unwatchable.