Top 10 Movies of 2013

It's time once again for my annual Top 10 Movies of The Year. The year of 2013 didn't find me watching as many films as I'm either used to or prefer, partly due to my obscene work schedule and partly due to Blockbuster finally going under, which severely cut into my options. I didn't even get to see most of the movies released in the fall/winter season. I think I was at the theater like, once in December. And to be honest, while I had predicted that this would be a banner year, I was left kind of cold with the results. I was hard pressed to fill up the list, honestly. It wasn't as bad as 2011, but still, it was kind of a disappointing year at the cinema.


But I've still got a list to make, so here we are! These are my Top 10 Movies of 2013:

10. The Place Beyond The Pines
This is a solid, solid drama. I'm no fan of Ryan Gosling, and I think he's as bland in this as he is in everything else, but he's only part of a big story that meanders so much that you begin to think it's  screwing with you until the end where it all comes together. It's beautifully executed despite giving off the impression that it's not for quite some time. Not sure if it's something I would say I had a great time at, and it's a bit too long, but I can't deny that it's a good flick.

9. The Last Stand
Akin to a Phoenix rising from the ashes, "The Last Stand" summoned back The One True Action God himself to grace us with His presence. Is it art? Hell no. Is it intelligent cinema? Hell no. Is it a fun movie? You bet your ass it is. I suppose I should end with some stupid pun about Schwarzenegger "being back," but I'm above that. I'll just be content in the knowledge that when he said all those years ago that he was done with acting, he lied.

8. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Like last year, Peter Jackson's return to Middle Earth is, and I'm being arguably over-generous here, not without its problems. It's still too damn long for no good reason, but in this case the story is much faster paced and the action is frankly stunning when its going full-blast, which makes up for a lot of the other smaller irritations, like the bizarre changes to the story they added. But it was still fun, and the fanboy in me requires it to be on this list. But it's also the fanboy in me that can't in good conscience place it any higher than this.

7. Equestria Girls
Speaking of fandom: "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic." Yeah. I said it. Ponies. And while some of you out there are possibly confused, let me assure you that MLP is the illest, and that "Equestria Girls" was pretty darn awesome. Not for the uninitiated by any means, but for fellow herd members, there's no way you couldn't have a good time. Unless you're one of those weirdos who instantly hated it based on the premise. No it's not high art, after all it's a kid's movie, but it's a really good one based on what is handily one of the best shows around. It's extremely fun and very funny, and encapsulates a lot of the reasons why I love the show. I was so happy during this. So happy.

6. The World's End
If it's Edgar Wright, it's probably going on the Top 10 list. That's just the way it is. A fitting end to the Coronetto Trilogy, "The World's End" was full of the same clever writing, extremely flawed but extremely loveable characters, unbelievably good cast, and surprising and surprisingly heartfelt story that is present in all his movies. And it makes you really thirsty for a beer.

5. The Wolverine
The best Marvel movie since "X-Men: First Class." This is a sleek, stripped down to its bare essences, uncluttered tale of redemption that could have been a samurai movie staring Toshiro Mifune. "The Wolverine" is honestly the first Marvel film that felt like...I don't know...an actual movie, and my fondness of it only increases the more I think back on it. The X-Men franchise finally grew up a bit.

4. Pain & Gain
I can't believe I'm putting a Michael Bay movie on here, but I can't deny what is awesome, and "Pain & Gain" was awesome. It's not for everyone, as it's completely immature, misogynistic, foul, and jacked-up on an IV drip of a Red Bull/espresso cocktail, in other words "A Michael Bay Movie." But in this case the script is so insane and so outlandish that it would come across as an over-the-top satire of American society if it weren't also a completely true story. It's like a talented filmmaker made a brilliant parody of a Michael Bay movie, only the guy making it was actually Michael Bay. My mind is blown in several ways.



And now we come to the best three movies of the year. Which three stood out above the rest? Well, you've probably never heard of one, another was one of my most anticipated of the year, and the other...well...the other was one of the most stunning things I've ever seen. So what say you?! Onward! Excelsior!

3. Sushi Girl
In a year which did not grace us with a Quentin Tarantino movie, "Sushi Girl" was a blessing from whatever saints chose to bestow it upon us. It's like "Reservoir Dogs," only instead of that scene where Mr. Blonde tortures the cop lasting like three minutes, it takes up the entire last two acts, without cutting away from the bit with the ear. It's an intense movie, and there is some really tough to watch moments as the characters get pretty creative with the ways they put the hurt on their victim. And I'm not a fan of torture movies at all, but man oh man is it worth it just to watch Mark Hamill tear it the hell up.

2. Star Trek Into Darkness
J.J. Abrams needs some kind of medal for what he's done for "Star Trek." Both films of the rebooted series were stunning, with "Star Trek Into Darkness" one-upping the first one with the addition of Benedict Cumberbatch as the villain, a decision which is never a bad one. Action packed to the brim, gorgeous to look at, and possessing the same phenomenal cast as before (with the exception of Alice Eve who is terrible), this was everything I was hoping for in a sequel to one of my favorite sci-fi action flicks of the last few decades.

The fact that I nearly pass out with glee every time during Cumberbatch's big reveal moment also helps.

AND THE BEST FILM I SAW IN 2013 WAS...

1. Pacific Rim
Mother of Mothra. This movie. Just. This movie. I can't even. It's too much.

It's too much to describe in words. It needs to be witnessed. Until you've seen a mecha hundreds of feet tall smack a giant monster in the face WITH AN OIL TANKER THAT IT'S HOLDING LIKE A SWORD, I don't even know how productive a discussion can be, because you'll simply be physically unable to comprehend the awesomeness.

I had more fun at "Pacific Rim" than any other movie I saw this year. "Star Trek" was close but this was on another plane of existence entirely. In a time when everyone is complaining that there's no originality in Hollywood anymore, Guillermo del Toro stepped in to prove us wrong. There were some killjoy detractors who called it "stupid" and "without a plot," but I would like to first ask them what exactly their exceptions were in regards to story, because if you ask me they gave us exactly the amount of story one needed and not an iota more, which seems very efficient. Then I'd like to remind them that what some might call "brainless fun" still needs to be done with intelligence, style and solid craftsmanship, which "Pacific Rim" was overflowing with. Otherwise you get "Transformers."

If this doesn't become a franchise, I quit life. It was the best movie I saw in 2013, and it's way too good to not be followed up on.



There you have my Top 10 of the year! Hopefully I'll be able to get out to the theater more often this coming year. I'm looking to make some changes in the way I do this blog, which will hopefully help me with that. In any case, I look forward to what is to come, and I'll see you next time!

Pacific Rim (2013)

Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.

I know I've spoken at great, most likely annoying lengths throughout the course of this blog about my dislike of Michael Bay. I could probably start a glue factory what with all the horse corpses I have laying around to pummel as a result of it. I give him credit where credit is due, as my shockingly glowing review of "Pain & Gain" proves, but that is the rare exception to the norm. Overwhelmingly Bay is a hack to rival anyone rated among the most notorious, and his money-factory juggernaut films represent nearly everything that is evil and wrong with the lowest-common-denominator-seeking industry that we find ourselves saddled with.

And Guillermo del Toro just gave him the biggest, most thunderous and glorious pimp-slap that has ever been recorded in human history.

Michael Bay needs to be strapped into a chair a la "A Clockwork Orange" and forced to watch "Pacific Rim" 47,000 times in a row. In between each repeat of the film, for 10 minutes the screen will flash the words "THIS IS HOW YOU DO GIANT ROBOTS FIGHTING, YOU ASS!!!" After he's done those words will be tattooed on the inside of his eyelids in florescent paint so he will forever see it when he closes his eyes in a constant reminder of how much his "Transformers" series sucks in comparison, and how to make the inevitable sequels better.

Lots of this is a good start. Honestly it's not that complicated.

What Guillermo del Toro has managed to accomplish with "Pacific Rim" is creating one of the most entertaining, thoroughly rousing and consistently surprising action films I've seen since...I can't even recall off the top of my head. Nothing has really ever come close with the obvious exception of some of the Millennial "Godzilla" films, and even they didn't have moves like "Pacific Rim" has.

"Pacific Rim" is a musclebound madman who throws you in his truck, starts flying down the highway at 193 mph and then, while still driving, sticks your head out the door and grinds your face off with the pavement like the world's most insane belt-sander until all that's left is a gleaming skull, but you're still alive but can only communicate by growling Opeth lyrics. Then he takes you to a garage where they chrome your head, strap you to the nose of a spaceship like you're a hood ornament and launches you into the sun while a crew of vikings do battle with space-axes on the outer hull of the ship. That's how hardcore "Pacific Rim" is: It should have space vikings.

Hell yes.

Like all of del Toro's works, "Pacific Rim" is a love letter to the genre it occupies. In this case the genre is in line with the Japanese "Kaiju" monster movies, of which the likes of "Godzilla" and "Gamera" and whatnot are the most famous. It's a bit of a niche genre, for sure, but few can argue as to the inherent awesome factor of seeing giant monsters beating the crap out of each other.
 
What "Pacific Rim" does is to take those movies, which were infamous for guys in rubber suits and corny special effects and give them a high-tech, flashy, steroided up shot in the arm that looks stunningly gorgeous and is essentially a dream come true for anybody who is a fan of the genre. But I have a hard time imagining someone not having a great time at "Pacific Rim," even if they don't know Barugon from an unusually large honey badger.

But if you catch that this shot is a direct reference to another film, "Pacific Rim" is for you.

The story flies by quick and dirty in the opening scene as we are told how giant monsters came to be here. Basically, a dimensional portal at the bottom of the Pacific ocean opened up, giant monsters we call Kaiju came through and started leveling cities, we built giant robots called Jaegers to fight them, the fight isn't going so great, and beyond that don't worry about it. That's all you need to know.
 
Blissfully "Pacific Rim" doesn't try to make the story more complex than it needs to be. And while some snobs may call "simplistic" on that setup, it makes perfect sense since the whole point is that nobody knows what the Kaiju are, where they actually come from or why they're attacking us. The reveal of that mystery is one of the driving elements of the plot. So call it "simple" if you want, but it's only that way because you only know as much as the characters do. Makes sense to me.

Um, excuse me? I expect deep characterization in my movie about giant monsters trampling Tokyo. Boo. Zero stars.

Our protagonist is Raleigh (Charlie Hunnam), a Jaeger pilot who experienced a horrific loss years earlier during a nasty Kaiju attack, and has since retired from the fighting. Now, as the Jaeger program has essentially been scrapped and the world is curling up on itself in defeat like you've just lost a game of "X-Com," Raleigh finds himself drawn back into the fight by Stacker Pentecost (Idris Elba), his old commander. He and what's left of the Jaeger program gear up for one last effort to close the portal and stop the Kaiju permanently.

Raleigh is a typical action hero who would rather not be doing this and plays by his own rules, but Hunnam plays him well enough so as to make him a believable and likeable character. It's true that his character may be a bit of a trope, but what do you want from a hero in a giant robot movie? A wuss who meekly follows orders but complains the whole time? Guess what? That would give you Shinji from "Neon Genesis Evangelion." And screw that.

Yeah, dissenters of "Pacific Rim." You're right. It's not the same unless Raleigh is crying to himself and whacking off over her while she's in a coma. Because that's what I signed on for.

The one who really got my attention though was Rinko Kikuchi as Mako, Raleigh's eventual co-pilot whose only goal in life is to drive a Jaeger. Rinko is an absolutely dynamite actresses, and she played vulnerable and tough-as-nails at the same time better than anyone I've seen in a really, really long time. The child version of Mako we see in a flashback, played by young actress Mana Ashida in a performance which was so realistically heartrending that it was pretty tough to watch, only strengthened her character and made me like her even more. She might be one of my new favorite female sci-fi characters.

Did I mention she's also really, really hot? I should mention that at some point.

The whole cast is solid all around, with Idris Elba being the face of seriousness to ground us in the drama, and Clifton Collins Jr. as one of the Jaeger techs and Charlie Day and Burn Gorman as the two head-butting scientists lending some non-distracting and actually humorous comic relief. Normally I'm against comic relief as I feel it's usually unnecessary, but since these guys are actually funny without trying too hard, it works just fine. And I say that while not being a fan of Charlie Day, so that's pretty high praise coming from me. (I know, I know. Charlie Day is the greatest thing ever. I know. I've been told. I just can't stand listening to him. His voice is like an aural root canal.)

There are some characters who aren't that spectacular, not because they did a bad job or are poorly written, but the movie doesn't get quite enough time spent with them. Foremost amongst those is Chuck Hansen (Robert Kazinsky), one of the Australian Jaeger pilots who immediately butts heads with Raleigh and seemed like he was an interesting character, but because there's simply too much else going on, we're left with him simply being an "Iceman from Top Gun" type figure who's kind of a big jerk who is somewhat justified in his jerkiness. That's about it. I feel like there must have been a scene left on the cutting room floor that would have wrapped his character up a bit better.

But Chuck wasn't the worst. An issue I have in movies like this is when we're shown this collection of soldiers or awesome characters and whatnot, and before they really have a chance to do much, nearly all of them are wiped out nearly instantly once the fighting starts. I'm reminded of "Aliens," actually. Despite that being one of my favorite movies, the marines in that movie get like 70% annihilated roughly 2 minutes into their first fight. Those were awesome characters but they get slaughtered before they can do much of anything. Without getting too into spoilers, "Pacific Rim" is guilty of this, too. And yeah it kind of bugged me.

Then again...any movie that has Ron Perlman looking like a steampunk pimp out of an anime is automatically amazing.

What is amazing to me is that the action in "Pacific Rim" is compreshensible and gorgeous to look at while using barely if any slow-motion and taking place almost exclusively in the dark, often in the ocean and sometimes in the rain. It's so well framed and edited that there wasn't a single point in any of the fights that I didn't have a clear idea of what was going on, and that's including the moments when tentacles and smoke and debris and water are flying all over the place. It's a stunning example of how "Pacific Rim" got it right whereas "Transformers," even with it's slow-motion-in-broad-daylight handicap failed miserably. Guess that's what happens when you get a good director.

By the way, don't bother seeing "Pacific Rim" in 3D. I've seen it both ways, and the normal 2D version is (unsurprisingly) better. It's not that the 3D was bad, but it tended to make the action more difficult to make out, detracting from the normally fantastic action. The glasses making an already dark movie more so didn't help matters, either.

This NEEDS to become a franchise. Del Toro has mentioned that he has ideas if sequels were to be green-lit. I would pre-order my tickets today if that we the case. I don't care. Hell, I'll take three. Whatever it takes to make more of these. Del Toro, you crafty bastard. You've done it again. Make sure to swing by Michael Bay's house to deliver that flying elbow drop off the top turnbuckle that you owe him.

(Dramatic Reenactment)

Check out the trailer for "Pacific Rim!" And yes, that is the same woman who did GLaDOS as the voice of the Jaeger. Nerds, you're welcome.

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Pacific Rim" is a perpetual buffet line of awesomeness. It will chisel a smile into the faces of anyone watching who possesses a pulse and a desire to have a good time. Apart from that, it's an expertly crafted action film which looks gorgeous, is exciting, and is a love letter to those monster movies that awaken the gleeful 10-year-old lurking somewhere in all but the most jaded of us. Probably the most fun I've had at the theater this year to date. It's an amazing movie, and Top 10 of 2013 nearly guaranteed.

Pain & Gain (2013)

So Michael Bay made a movie for $26 million, huh? That is brilliant. Absolute genius, and it needs to happen more often to more directors. Give James Cameron all his usual equipment, the best stuntmen Hollywood can find and Arnold Schwarzenegger on the condition that he can't use CGI at any point. Give him a year time limit, too, since he won't have to wait for the stuntmen to catch up with his vision. Give Spielberg 100 grand, an RV, Tom Hanks and an HD camera and send him on his way. Let's see what he does. Make Uwe Boll film a movie on a cell phone. Hell, it'd probably be a step up from his usual stuff.

It's no secret that I'm not a Michael Bay fan. I guess when I was a kid I was, but that's only because Bay's target audience is the lowest common denominator and stupid children. I think that even at that time I knew what I was watching wasn't very good, but man, when you're 15 years old "Armageddon" just speaks to you. I saw that mess in theaters twice, son. That blew my young mind. And of course "The Rock," which is arguably Bay's best film (although the only reason it's good is the cast) was a monument to my adolescence. Then he did "Transformers" and all affection for Bay was lost on me, with little chance of ever returning.

I think this was the moment when my childhood officially died.

I won't say that "Pain & Gain" has brought me back into the Michael Bay fold, so to speak, but you know something? This is good. This is a really, really, really good movie. And it's not only a testament to the actors involved, almost all of whom give award-worthy performances, not only a testament to the writers, Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, for making a true, horrible story about true, horrible people actually hilarious, but it's also a testament to Michael Bay himself, because with "Pain & Gain" he has outed himself as a very good director when he wants to be. And yes, it pains me to say it, but it's true.

"Pain & Gain" is the "so insane it can only be true" story about a trio of lunkheaded body builders who wanted more out of life. After all, they deserve to live the American Dream. So they kidnapped a rich guy and stole all his stuff. This all led to some torture and cold-blooded murder, and saw two of them ending up on death row. They actually got away with it for a while, but that's mostly because the story was so bonkers that the Miami police didn't buy a word of it. Or they were incompetent. But it was probably a little bit of both.

Danny Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) is the ring leader of the group. He's unsatisfied with his job working as a trainer at a gym when, after attending a motivation seminar by a guy named Johnny Wu (Ken Jeong), he decides he's going to be a "doer" and not a "don'ter." That's when he develops his scheme to kidnap one of his clients, a rich guy named Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub), and take all his stuff. He enlists the help of his friends Adrian (Anthony Mackie) and Paul (Dwayne Johnson), and after a few bungled attempts they nab Victor and hide him in a sex-toy factory for a month before they finally end up with all his money, after which they try to kill him. Of course, since they're idiots they can't even get that right, so Victor is left alive and seething for vengeance.

Even with $26 million, Bay still gets the "Walk away from an explosion all cool" moment.

His only problem is that the police don't believe him for various reasons and, despite dubious circumstances, all the paperwork he was forced to sign while imprisoned which handed his possessions over to Danny is technically legit. Victor hires a private investigator, Ed DuBois (Ed Harris) to get to the bottom of everything, who is the guy who eventually catches up to Danny and the others. Of course Ed is helped by the fact that Danny and the others are, once again, really stupid.

The cast is across the board fantastic. It's takes a lot of talent to make characters this unlikeable be this entertaining, and in some bizarre ways the portrayal makes them almost lovable. Naturally these are terrible people, but you can't help but love Mark Wahlberg and his bright-eyed sincerity. Almost every word out of his mouth is either a terrible idea or something dumb enough to split the Earth in half, but he says it with such innocence and such gravity that you believe that to his 'roided up core he believes every syllable of it.

Even as he's being led away to prison, he's telling the person who caught him that he should work on his quads. I love this guy.

The only person who threatens to steal Wahlberg's thunder is Dwayne Johnson. Now, everyone else was great. They were fantastic. But just in case anyone out there was not yet aware that Dwayne Johnson was a shockingly talented actor, here you go. At first he's the innocent, even dumber, born again Christian simpleton of the group, but as the movie goes on and he indulges in the decadent lifestyle he finds himself immersed in, the drugs and money and pressure and guilt start making him crack. And it doesn't take too long before he's doing more really stupid things, which cause the spiral to go down even further. Meanwhile you can see the cold panic that is setting in right under the surface of his tough guy exterior, but you get the feeling he's too stupid to understand any of it. It really is a stunning performance.

The cameraman attempted the world's most epic high five with Dwayne Johnson. These are his last recorded moments.

One thing that has always remained constant with Bay is his style. As much as I despise the vast majority of his films it can't be denied that he's got a visual thumbprint that is impossible to miss. You know from the first few frames of the film whether or not it's a Michael Bay film. And "Pain & Gain" is no different. The shaky cam, the frankly pointless bits of slow motion, the nearly fluorescent color scheme, lots of lens flares, and the upward angle low-shots and dutch angels that have come to be his trademark are all here. It looks just like "Transformers" but without robots and Shia LaBeouf's stupid face.

And while visually it does border on obnoxious, had this been a first time director I wouldn't have minded. I would have just thought it was a guy with a strong and unique visual calling card, like David Fincher or Stephen Spielberg. I think I only find it obnoxious because it reminds me of other films I despise, which is distracting. I'm sitting there laughing my fool head off at Wahlberg, but in the back of my mind I'm dreading that any moment Skids and Mudflap will show up with fried chicken, watermelon and Kool-Aide.

That brings me to my biggest complaint about "Pain & Gain" - some of the humor. This is not only a Michael Bay movie in visual style, but also on occasion crap that's not really funny. This is a tableau of all the usual testosterone infused sexism, homophobia, bigotry and misogyny present in all his works, only it's cranked up to such levels that it makes me think that it's potentially satirical. I can't really tell. If that's the case it puts a whole new light on his other works, but suggesting that perhaps his brain-dead brand of machismo is a kind of parody is probably giving him too much credit.

That's his chainsawin' shower cap.

There's no way that it's a coincidence that so much of this film is hysterical, while also containing gags that are note-for-note the kind of sophomoric idiocy that we've seen time and time again with his films. The writers are talented, after all they are the duo that wrote "Captain America" and both "Thor" films. I find it hard to believe that they would have a fat man blasting poo all over a hospital bathroom after getting an enema, a priest coming on to Dwayne Johnson, Rob Corddry thinking that Walhberg telling him to "star 69" a guy means having sex with him, or a little person showing up to threaten Wahlberg and Johnson with a bat just because, well, little people are apparently hilarious. That crap is classic Michael Bay, and we've seen it time and time before with him.

I think it's those moments of non sequitur shenanigans that have nothing to do with anything that were put in there by Bay himself. They had to be. The rest of "Pain & Gain" is clearly parody. It's a bit mean spirited and by extension stupid because the characters are stupid, but one thing it isn't is nonsensical. Those random episodes of idiocy that reek of Michael Bay are too dumb to be satire. He's just getting in the way of the talented writers. It'd be like if Seth MacFarlane had been on the writing staff of "Blazing Saddles." All of a sudden Gene Wilder and Cleavon Little would step into a recreation of the music video for Toto's "Africa," because that makes sense, and we're all supposed to laugh because "the 80's."

But just as soon as that crap is over we usually cut to something awesome like Dwayne Johnson grilling human hands, so it all kind of evens out.
 

Even with those things in there, the rest of "Pain & Gain" is honestly kind of brilliant. And I think I've figured out why I liked these characters so much and had such a good time when in another Michael Bay movie I would have hated it. The reason is because unlike Shia LaBeouf or the rest of the cast in the "Transformers" series, we are never meant to like Wahlberg and Johnson. They are terrible people, but "Pain & Gain" doesn't insult us by trying to make us root for them. We don't necessarily want bad things to happen to them because they're so entertaining in their awfulness, but if they were to get caught we'd probably say "Well, they had it coming, the idiots." The horrible things they do are easier to laugh at when we're not expected to be on their side like they're the good guys.
 
Does "Pain & Gain" make me a Michael Bay fan? Hell no. Are you high? I still think his movies are generally borderline hate-crimes against anyone with a brain-stem. But let it not be said that I'm not merciful, because I always give credit where credit is due. This is a good movie. And Michael Bay directed. True, it might be good in spite of him, but it's still good. Now if he can just get away from CGI robots and do more stuff like this, maybe I won't consider scheduling eye removal surgery whenever another one of his films comes out.

Check out the trailer for "Pain & Gain." It's a pretty good representation of what the movie is like. (Red band trailer so NSFW)

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Pain & Gain" is a bit niche based on how utterly sleazy and mean spirited it is, but if you're someone who can appreciate some dark humor than this film is an absolute blast. I'm not completely sure, but this may be my favorite Michael Bay movie. Even if you hate him as a director, I'm seriously recommending this one. Crom help me, this might make my Top 10 of 2013. Trust me, I'm as surprised as you.

Sushi Girl (2013)

I'm not going to lie, I went into this one with not a small amount of trepidation. While watching the ads in front of "John Dies At The End" I happened to see a trailer for "Sushi Girl," and I was taken in by its grindhouse, retro vibe. This looked like a hip movie that had a great sense of style. The sleazy, almost dank color palate, the looming sense of building dread, the slimy evil dripping off the tongues of the characters about to hurt this poor guy, and the fantastic churning rock at the end - this was a fantastic trailer, and I was very interested in seeing it.

But on the other hand, I hate torture films. They're just not my thing, Although I can handle violence in movies just fine, when it comes to torture that's kind of a deal breaker for me in many cases. It all depends on whether or not the focus is on the torture and violence or on the story. Movies like the first "Saw" are fine, because it's more about the story rather than how disgusting they could make the carnage. Then you've got "Hostel" and the "Saw" sequels which are the exact opposite, with no subtlety to be found. I don't dig on that. And based on the trailer for "Sushi Girl," I wasn't sure which kind of movie it was going to be, and I was kind of nervous.

But on the other hand again, Mark Hamill. I didn't even realize it was him in the trailer until they did a roll call of the actors at the end. I did a double take, and then watched the trailer again. My god, that was Mark Hamill, wasn't it? He's nearly unrecognizable, but there he is. You can even hear the Joker voice in there a little bit. And at that point I knew I was watching it. I don't care what the level of violence is, if it means seeing Mark Hamill in front of a camera again, I'm so there. I just had to hope that the movie was decent.

I'm not going to make a Luke Skywalker reference. That's too easy. I'm going to instead make a "Time Runner" reference. Um...who's that on the table, Rae Dawn Chong?

(Nailed it!)

I guess I should take more chances, because "Sushi Girl" ended up being good. Really good. Shockingly good, actually. In fact it's one of my favorite movies I've seen this year so far. "Sushi Girl" is one of those films that, after seeing it, I find myself scrounging the video store and Amazon.com for more movies like it. It's got me on a bit of an exploitation movie kick. I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more sleaze. Of course I'm unlikely to stumble across another movie this good, but you can't know until you try.

"Sushi Girl" follows a very unfortunate night in the life of Fish (Noah Hathaway), a man who has just been released from prison after doing 6 years for a robbery gone bad. However, the other men who were involved have pressing issues to discuss with Fish. Most pressing of all is the whereabouts of the diamonds that went missing during the heist. Fish always claimed to have no idea what happened to them, but I'll leave it up to you to decide how much they believe that story. So, the leader of the group, Duke (Tony Todd) sets up a little Welcome Back dinner for Fish, complete with all his old robbery buddies, a bunch of instruments that could be used for torture, one very simple question, and one naked girl laying on the table covered in sushi.

A "Sushi Girl," if you will.

It doesn't take long for Fish to understand what's about to go down, and it only takes slightly longer for the guys to start going to work on him. Leading the torture are Max (Andy Mackenzie) and Crow (Mark Hamill), two guys that hate each others guts, but are willing to work together, at least for a little bit, to get their cut of the diamonds. They're unsurprisingly the most psycho of the bunch, as they're making $5,000 bets with each other to see who will be the first one to torture Fish into talking, which means they're upping the ante with each round as Fish refuses to crack.

All of the cast was fantastic, and all of them got their moments to shine. Noah Hathaway has this great fatalistic, defeated presence that suggests that maybe on some level, Fish thinks he deserves what he's getting. Or at least, he's so broken and beaten down that he just doesn't care anymore. Tony Todd is as always creepy as hell, and James Duval as Francis, the reluctant member of the crew who isn't down on the torture, gives an ironically tortured performance as the one guy with something close to a soul. You can imagine how well that works out for him.

But the guys stealing the show were of course Mackenzie and Hamill. The two of them are like fire and ice - with Mackenzie being barely contained napalm ready to rip out Fish's eyeballs straight away if it means getting the loot, and Hamill taking his time with it, savoring it, and having fun as he stares laser beams over the rims of his dorky glasses into Fish's soul like he's ready to pluck the wings off of it to watch it squirm after he gouges it out of his body with a pair of pliers. Mark Hamill is absolutely phenomenal in "Sushi Girl." And by himself, he makes this worth watching.

Don't take my word for it, though. Check out this little clip. (It cuts off before "ouch" happens)

And despite the fact that she spends 95% of the movie laying naked on table doing nothing and doesn't have any dialogue until the last 10 minutes, the beautiful Cortney Palm as the eponymous Sushi Girl certainly makes you take notice of her. And when she gets something to do, it's clear that this still obscure actress is someone to be on the lookout for, because she could have quite the career in genre films if she lucks out and keeps getting roles in movies like this.

One final word on the cast that I had to geek the hell out over was a flashback scene featuring not only Jeff Fahey, and not only Danny Trejo, but also one of my all-time favorites, Michael Biehn. They don't get to do much, true, but it was still amazing to see them just show right the hell up like it was a "Grindhouse" mini-reunion. And Danny Trejo has a machete (of course he does). It's pretty legit.

But what of the torture? That's what I was worried about, after all. It's true that "Sushi Girl" gets pretty intense. But fortunately it didn't get as hardcore as I had feared it would get. This is by no means a movie for the squeamish or for those with weak constitutions, though, as any film featuring a man getting mercilessly smacked in the face over and over again with a sock full of broken glass would probably require the viewer to have something of a strong stomach. But at the same time, these are relatively brief bursts of violence which have a big amount of buildup, but once initiated don't last overly long or get overly graphic in their depiction. At the end of the day, this is "a movie with torture in it" as opposed to "a movie about torture." There's a big difference.

Comparisons to Quentin Tarantino films are inevitable, specifically "Reservoir Dogs." After all, it's about a bunch of criminals of varying degrees of psycho, a diamond heist is the central conflict, most of the movie is in a single location with the exception of flashbacks, there's a dude tied to a chair getting tortured, a lot of gun pointing starts happening at the end, all while having a very distinct sheen of drive-in movie grit. Even the ending revelations have "Kill Bill" vibes. This is obviously made by someone who is a big Tarantino fan. The insane part is that there are those out there who would call that a bad thing.

Please. It's nothing like "Reservoir Dogs." Fish didn't get his ear cut off.

It's true that some might lazily condemn "Sushi Girl" as a "Reservoir Dogs" knockoff, but that's really not giving it the credit it deserves. There are really big differences in structure, pacing, cinematography, visual style, and acting between the two films. That's not even bringing up the most distinct Tarantino trademark - the dialogue, which "Sushi Girl" wisely doesn't even try to emulate. Apart from the fact that they both feel retro and might make a decent double feature with each other, the only thing connecting them are the superfluous plot similarities. To me they feel like two extraordinarily different films. Even if "Sushi Girl" does feature kung-fu legend Sonny Chiba as a sushi chef, just like in "Kill Bill." I'm willing to call that an awesome coincidence.

I love movies like "Sushi Girl." Those little movies nobody has ever heard of that come right the hell out of nowhere and take you by surprise. These movies remind us that good movies are still being made by the bucket-full. We just need to look outside the movie theaters for them sometimes.

If you see this trailer and are intrigued in any way, seriously see this movie. It's just as stylish and awesome as it seems here (Red Band trailer so technically NSFW)

THE BOTTOM LINE - I loved this movie. It's got loads of style, great intrigue, tension, effective and hard-hitting violence, and fantastic, memorable performances all around. This is probably making my Top 10 list for 2013. It's a serious contender, at any rate.