Machete Kills (2013)

I was a huge fan of Robert Rodriguez's "Machete" - a tour de force of exploding heads and grindhouse sleaze which featured enough crazy cameos of actors you can't believe are actually in it and enough catastrophic levels of ridiculous violence that it was impossible for me to not be entertained beyond what one would normally imagine to be possible. Yeah it was stupid, yeah it was so over-the-top that it curved around to be subterranean and yeah it was basically a live-action cartoon, but dammit there was a scene with Danny Trejo cutting a dude's stomach open, ripping out his intestines and using them to repel down a wall. Are you not entertained?

So it was with great anticipation that I sallied forth to enjoy another round of hopefully absurd carnage with "Machete Kills," a title which I approve of, but really feel should have an exclamation point at the end of it. In particular I was excited to see Charlie Sheen as the POTUS which, even though it's probably about a year too late to jump on the bandwagon it probably started on, is an idea so stupid that it has to be awesome. Remember, before he lost his mind Charlie Sheen was also something called "an actor," and he was pretty good at it. Hell, he's a funny guy. Remember "Hot Shots Part Deux?" That's good stuff

What I ended up getting with "Machete Kills" was something that was comforting like putting on a pair of warm slippers after you come inside from the cold. The same level of not-serious-take is still as loudly present as it was before, if not even more so, and it still features ridiculous levels of blood and guts that would be horrifying were they not so tongue in cheek. Danny Trejo is still the same steel-faced, indestructible superhero whose power is that he's an action movie star and simply cannot be killed. The recognizable cameos are still prevalent and bring a smile to my face. This is a good time, and it felt good.

Spaaaaaace kniiiiiiiiiife!!!

On the other hand, the slippers that we are slipping into have also been chewed up by your puppy. "Machete Kills" is not, and I hate to say this, a very good movie. I don't mean that from a snobby perspective, I mean that from the perspective of how well it does what it's trying to do. It must be said that it's just not as well executed as the original was, so from that perspective it is a let down. Like the puppy it's hard to be too upset at it, since it's so adorable and you knew it didn't mean any harm, but you just can't help but be kind of irritated. And it's not that you're mad. You're just disappointed.

"Those were my best zapatos, cabron."

Here's the thing. "Machete Kills" did one thing wrong that really should not have been an issue, and I would have honestly thought would have been an impossibility before I saw it: It doesn't kill enough. I feel like such a clod saying that, but when you've built a franchise and a character on the sole premise of being a walking death machine who cannot die, than what you do is jam an hour and a half with him killing as many thing as you possibly can. That's what the first one did, and it was amazing.

What you DON'T do is put him in a situation where Danny Trejo spends most of the movie sitting down in chairs or standing around as he has various people talk at him as they brief him on his mission or monologue at him in villainous overtones. The fact that the majority of the time Danny Trejo spends between these little meetings is simply walking around from place to place without much incident besides the occasional badass quip doesn't help.

Unfortunately this is what most of "Machete Kills" ends up being. It's just Machete walking around doing stuff. He's not even doing anything overly violent most of the time. He's not even talking most of the time since everybody else in the film does all the talking for him. That's fine since he's a Mexican of few words, but you get the impression that Danny Trejo may as well have had a camera mounted in his torso and was walking around Hollywood to get everybody's audition tapes as they tried out to be cast in Bond 24.

You know, I can hear her delivering "Why can't you be a good boy and die?" pretty well.

And right there is the best way to describe what "Machete Kills" feels like: It's a Bond movie. Or at least it's a Bond movie if it crossed over with "Dolemite," "Shaft" and something starring Pierre Kirby and then became Mexican. I know that sounds amazing, but when you factor in the plot the closest match for the Bond movie would be "Moonraker."

Speaking of which, the plot this time finds Machete sent on a mission by the POTUS to stop a Mexican drug lord (Demian Bichir) from blowing up Washington D.C. There's a lot of twisting and turning within the plot, far too much so if I'm being totally honest, but eventually this all leads to our real villain, Voz (Mel Gibson), an eccentric billionaire who has been kidnapping hundreds of Mexicans in order to get labor to complete his secret space station, which he and his race of super-people will live on while he wipes the rest of humanity out.

Like I said - Freaking "Moonraker."

Okay, fine. It's "Moonraker" with Mexicans. I can deal with that. At least Roger Moore isn't here, although that would be kind of awesome. The real issue though is that there's simply not enough action going on in between everything, and the boredom starts kicking in pretty quickly once it become clear that "Machete Kills" is trying to be something other than a shooting gallery. Normally I'd appalled a film for having a plot, but a movie like "Machete Kills" should only have exposition while it runs as fast as it can towards the next bloodbath. When they slow it down with too much plot it only makes it so that the absurdity, ie - the reason we're here, is dialed down a bit. They needed to go all out with this movie, and they really didn't. It pulled back from the peaks of zany that "Machete" reached.

And that's too bad because the violence that is there, inexcusable prevalence of CGI gore aside, is really good. There are some truly cringe-worthy moments here that are so insane that you can't help but laugh and slap your knees at the madness of it all. And anyone who doesn't get the joke of the over-the-top nature of it, or decries it as nothing but a pile of entrails with no point (as I read other reviewers mention to my bewilderment) is simply not speaking the same language. Come on, this is a movie that features a gun that literally turns people inside out. There is no way anyone with a brain-stem can't realize that it is meant to be laughed at. Don't judge from the same perspective as "Pulp Fiction." This is a comedy, for crying out loud. And it does that part well.

All that aside, the cast does make for an entertaining sit. It's like a revolving door of actors who grace the film with their presence before moving on. Mel Gibson threatens to steal the show as the "Star Wars" obsessed precogniscent villain, and plays the role with such glee and fun that it's a wonder he's not played bad guys more often. (Hello, "Expendables 3" ^_^) However my particular favorite was La Camaleón, a disguise shifting assassin played in turn by Walter Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr., Lady Gaga and Antonio Banderas. That character was just too cool. And any movie that puts a bullet in Jessica Alba's dome in the first five minutes is doing something right.

 That's not to mention President Sheen slamming back whiskeys and dropping profanity laced tirades like he's a hard-boiled police sergeant in a film noire. It's pretty amazing.

So yeah, it's not a good as "Machete." But it wasn't bad, I guess. I was a good time. Now we can only hope that they go ahead and fulfill their promise with that trailer and tease of a non-ending for "Machete Kills Again...In Space." Honestly, showing the trailer for that at the beginning of "Machete Kills" was probably the worst thing they could have done. That movie looked way better. THAT'S the level of ridiculousness we wanted! Damn it, why couldn't they have skipped this one and gone right to that?

You know, the trailer is making me want to watch it again, though.

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Machete Kills" is an okay movie if you liked the first one. It's not nearly as good because it's trying to have too much plot, which bogs the pace and acts of carnage down to unacceptable levels. The bits that are in there that are good are great, but you've got to slog through too much not-as-awesome to get there. The cast makes it worth watching, though.

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

I used to work at Blockbuster. One time while trying to recommend a movie to someone, I was asked why it is that I watch and collect so many older films. Granted, the person doing the asking was a vapid high schooler who, and I'm not joking here, refused to watch any movie that had been made more than 10 years ago on the basis of it "being old." They looked at me, head tilted to the side and said "Why would you watch that? It's old. I don't want to watch old movies." My answer was the suitably snide, condescending remark "Right, because they never made any good films until 2004." The sarcasm was dripping.

Of course the real answer as to why I am always playing catch up with older films is because there are just so many awesome ones out there that I haven't seen yet. Every time I pick up a title that I missed back in the day, I'm always secretly hoping that I'll be kicking myself for missing it earlier. Even better is when that one film leads to the discovery of the body of work of a director or actor I didn't even know about before, but find myself being a big fan of. It's like discovering an old friend you never knew you had.

And "From Dusk Till Dawn" most certainly fits that bill. Why, why, why...WHY IN THE NAME OF ZORDON did I never see this movie until 2013? I don't know how much I would have liked it back in the day, but after seeing it now I can safely say it's some of the most fun I've had watching a movie in a long time.

"From Dusk Till Dawn" is directed by Robert Rodriguez, famous for "Desperado," "Machete," "Planet Terror" among other hyper-violent bloodbaths which are ludicrously entertaining. He also does kids movies. He's not very good at them. Why he does both I have no idea. It's kind of weird. Anyway, Rodriguez is a director I like, and the screenplay was done by one of my all-time favorite writers, Quentin Tarantino, who also stars in the film. There is no way I'm not going to love this film.

From the very beginning of the film, which Rodriguez gives a hot, steamy, sweaty look right from the start, it's not difficult to imagine that this is a lost Tarantino film. The dialogue is punchy, funny, and so packed with fire coming from the mouths of the actors, all of whom are so good it's unreal, that the tension is through the roof and nearly unbearable. This is especially so in the first half of the movie, which plays out kind of like "Reservoir Dogs" mixed with "Natural Born Killers."

Oh yeah. There's no way this is a Tarantino movie with a shot like that.

The story begins in a gas station in Texas, as Texas Ranger Earl McGraw (a recurring Tarantino character played by the inimitable Michael Parks) stops by for a drink and a friendly chat with the attendant (a pre-"Deadwood" John Hawkes). What seems like random chit-chat takes a sudden, shocking turn as the bank-robbing Gecko Brothers, Seth and Richie (George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino respectively) show up to turn a relatively simple hostage situation into a bloodbath. Most of this is due to Richie being a total and irredeemable psychopath.

You know, not much is ever made about Tarantino as an actor, but he really deserves more credit for that than he gets. He's in almost all of his movies, but nobody ever really talks about how good he is when he shows up in any large capacity. His turn as Mr. Brown in "Reservoir Dogs" and Jimmy in "Pulp Fiction" were really good, but in "From Dusk Till Dawn" he really knocks it out of the park. He plays Richie so off-the-handle and so creepily evil that there's never any telling what in the hell he's going to do next. In fact he pretty much carries all the tension of the first half of the film by himself, and there's plenty of tension to be found.

Well, tension AND release...

Seth has to constantly do damage control for his brother, and Clooney is quite magnetic as the calmer, less overtly crazy brother. He'd still be a total scumbag no matter where he was, but next to Richie he's a pretty reasonable dude. Yeah, Seth set a guy on fire, but it was only after Richie started the whole mess. And once you account for Clooney's natural charm, you've got a character who is a villain, but a really likeable one, and you really want to see him make it. Tarantino plays a great character, but you can't help but constantly be amazed by how much Richie sucks, and you wouldn't be too sad if he bought it. In fact you're kind of waiting for it to happen. The biggest question is whether or not Seth is going to be the one to finally take him out or not.

"From Dusk Till Dawn" isn't really structured like an average three act film. It's more like two halves. The first half is vintage Tarantino, full of tension and fantastic dialogue as Seth and Richie kidnap a family and make them drive to Mexico and freedom from the police and FBI who's hot on their trail. The family is Jacob (Harvey Keitel), his daughter Kate (Juliette Lewis) and adopted son Scott (Ernest Liu). Jacob is a former preacher whose faith is shaken after losing his wife, and is on an indefinite road trip to clear his head. They go along with the Gecko brother's orders, but there's always the lingering doubt in both his and the audience's mind whether or not they'll be let go as promised at the end of the journey. This is especially so with Richie being insane and killing people over looks he imagined they had.

Not long after they reach their destination, a strip club in Mexico called "The Titty Twister," is when the movie begins the second half. And it's here that I will suggest, if you've never seen "From Dusk Till Dawn," and have no knowledge of it whatsoever, you stop reading IMMEDIATELY. Don't even watch the trailer. Don't look up any pictures of it. Don't do any research whatsoever. Don't even read the description on the back of the case or on Netflix. You need to go in blind because the second half of this film has one of the most radical, drastic and completely off-the-wall twists I've ever seen, and unless you've seen the trailer (which completely spoils it) there's no possible way you'd ever come close to imagining what's in store.

"Huh. Didn't see that coming."

I'm dead serious. Stop reading this and go watch "From Dusk Till Dawn" while 100% ignorant of it. Trust me, it'll be awesome.

I'm not even going to go into great detail about what actually happens on the off chance you're still reading. It's enough to say that during the blood-soaked climax of "From Dusk Till Dawn," there exists enough insanity for around 3 other films. Body parts fly everywhere, blood and other fluids of various colors and origin cover the place like varnish on a dresser, and the cheese is off the meter as "From Dusk Till Dawn" turns into something like a spiritual successor to "The Evil Dead." It's certainly a thing to behold.

The practical effects are skillfully done enough to be disgusting and corny enough to also be a comedic blast for those with a twisted sense of humor. This was also back before CGI blood was the standard, and action wasn't filmed with shaky cam to be "more intense," so there is also a lot of fun artistry to the carnage, harkening back to "The Thing" and once again, "The Evil Dead." There's just something special about seeing practical effects in front of the camera which lends an air of credibility and enjoyment for those of us who like seeing the creative process of film-making at work.

And of course this is all going down around a great cast, like everything Tarantino is involved in. The leads are all still there, but added to the fray once we arrive at the strip club are horror movie legend Tom Savini, NFL and B-movie hero Fred Williamson, Robert Rodriguez BFF Danny Trejo, and finally Cheech Marin in one of the three parts he plays in this film. Selma Hayek even shows up to do some sexy dancing. What's not to like?

"Well this was fun. I'm going to go lay down now."

From the first frame of "From Dusk Till Dawn" to the last, I was glued to the screen. I love this movie. Anyone looking to have a good, bloody time is going to love it. Some may prefer one half over the other, in fact I kind of like the first half more, but they're so vastly different that one can almost look at them as two different films all together. Almost like "Well, that movie's done. That was really tense. Too bad it didn't have much of an ending. Oh well. Let's watch this crazy gory splatterfest next! That's going to be a lot of fun! And hey, it's got the same cast. Neat!"

In fact...holy crap. Flip those two around in terms of order of sequence and cram it into an hour and a half and you've essentially got "From Dusk Till Dawn!"

THE BOTTOM LINE - I'm so upset that I came to this one late, because it's probably one of my favorite movies from the 90's now. In terms of blood, guts, laughs and awesome Tarantino dialogue, few things can top "From Dusk Till Dawn" outside of an actual Quentin Tarantino movie. One of the best action films of that decade. I just wish it hadn't been spoiled for me all those years ago when I saw the trailer. Seeing it blind would have been amazing.