Gravity (2013)

I have a very weird phobia: Dying by floating off into outer space. I tried to look up if that has a specific name, but the closest match I found was "Spacephobia," which sounds stupid like a cheesy 80's sci-fi comedy staring Lloyd Bridges or something. It's just this bizarre thought that has worked its way into my nightmares on occasion, and there are few ways that I can personally think of that would be a worse way to die. Fortunately I'm pretty sure that I'll never come anywhere close to having to face that particular fear unless I get selected for that Mars One thing. But I wasn't really going to try for that anyway. I'm too addicted to microbreweries.

So after I saw the trailer for "Gravity," there were two things that went through my mind. The first was "Wow, that looks pretty good." The second was "Crap. I'm going to have a heart attack during this thing."

Christ on a cracker...

I'm glad to report that I did not, in fact, need to go to the hospital after seeing it, although make no mistake, "Gravity" was just as intense as you were probably imagining it was. And yes, for someone with mild spacephobia it was a frightening experience that was borderline torturous on occasion. On those terms alone it could be called a success, but where "Gravity" goes a couple of steps further is in the absolutely gorgeous visual presentation with which it tells this simple story of survival.

The setup for this movie is dirt simple. Two astronauts, Matt (George Clooney) and Ryan (Sandra Bullock) are doing a spacewalk when the Russians do something that they really should have been more careful with and end up sending a whole bunch of shrapnel hurling towards everyone else. This destroys the shuttle and kills everyone on board with the exception of Matt and Ryan, who are left floating adrift in space. Their only hope is to make it to one of the space stations nearby to use one of the reentry pods to get back home.

 Uh oh. Look out, Alfonso Cuarón. I think J.J. Abrams has invaded your movie.

And that's it. That's the whole movie. Now, contrary to what it may have looked like in the trailer, Matt and Ryan do not spend the entire film free-floating in space. Not too far into the film they reach the station and all that good stuff, so for those of you who were perhaps concerned that it was going to be "Open Water" in space can relax a bit. There's more to it than that, although it's pretty obvious that at some point they're going to have to reach somewhere because Ryan is down to 2% oxygen within the first twenty minutes, and it's probably likely they're not going to kill off Sandra Bullock in the first act, as if "Gravity" could be structured like a traditional three act film, which it can't.

That brings me to the actors, both of whom I only can say good things about here. Sandra Bullock absolutely tears it up in this film, which isn't surprising since she's very good. I've been a fan of hers for some time now, ever since I got my first Hollywood Crush on her after seeing "Speed." I was so jealous of Keanu Reeves after he hooked up with her at the end of that movie. Anyway, she's also a fantastic actress on top of still looking amazing (to a possible black-magic-is-involved degree), and "Gravity" is one of, if not the best efforts of her career, which is saying a lot.

Caution: Her storyline involves the feels. Many feels.

George Clooney actually kind of stole the show for me, though. That's weird because I don't even like George Clooney that much as an actor. But he was fantastic in "Gravity," providing the level-headed calmness of a seasoned professional to balance out Bullock's panicked rookie. And he's charming as hell while he does it. And liking both of these characters goes such a long way, and is such an important thing for the tension because it ensures that we want to see them make it.

All that being said, the thing people are probably going to remember about "Gravity" is the visual presentation. In those terms this film is insane. That's the only word I can think of that describes it fittingly. Insane and beautiful. You'll get dizzy watching it. You might get vertigo. You might get queasy. That may sound like I'm trying to dissuade you from watching it but I'm not. "Gravity" does such an amazing job of conveying, at least in some small way, what floating in space must be like as the camera twists and turns and floats around while the Earth's horizon looms overhead like it's the only thing in the Universe, that sitting in your seat you feel like you're about to be sucked up into the movie screen as you plummet towards it. That may be my spacephobia talking, but I defy anyone to watch this and not feel their sense of equilibrium unbalanced.

"Aaah. AAAAH. AAAAAHJESUSCHRISTI'MGOINGTOPUKE."

In terms of any negative impressions I got from it, there's really only two things that I found to complain about. The first is that there comes a moment in the film, and you'll know it when you get there, when something big happens. It's an event that changes roughly everything, and while it was certainly dramatic and rather heartbreaking, I couldn't help but feel that it wasn't a great choice for the film to make. And the reason for that is because the movie is simply not as interesting after that point, and it makes any dialogue afterwards essentially meaningless, despite how well-acted it was. That aspect I was not a fan of.

The other thing that I have to complain about is the fact that "Gravity" isn't a movie I could imagine owning, let alone seeing again. That's a bit unusual for me since I fancy myself a collector, and I do enjoy rewatching films that I liked, and I did like "Gravity." However this film seems more like an event you sit through once, say "Holy crap that was a thing" and then never see it again. And it all goes back to the first thing I talked about. If that hadn't happened I may have had a differing opinion, but it is what it is, and I thought "Gravity" really suffered in the second half because of it.

All that being said, you should still see it at least once. Find the biggest screen you can. It's quite a thing.

Jesus...

THE BOTTOM LINE - I didn't personally feel that "Gravity" is worth the obscenely high Rotten Tomatoes rating of 97% it has, but it's still a damn good movie that's very much worth watching, and it's probably the prettiest thing you'll see all year in the theater. It's gorgeous, it's very well acted, and it's very intense. All that being said, it left me feeling just ever so hollow at the end, enough to make it so I wouldn't own it or see it twice. But it was definitely worth that one watch.

Demolition Man (1993)

Today's entry is a bit of a special one, for reasons that most likely only I care about. But I do care, so you'll have to indulge me, because this is my 100th entry for this blog! Huzzah! It's been quite the experiment thus far, and I'm looking forward to many hundreds more.

In thinking of what movie to do for this hundredth entry, I was a bit torn. Do I find an epically bad movie to rant about, or a good one? Finally, after days of debate, I decided to go the less painful route and throw in one of my favorite movies: "Demolition Man."

I love this movie to pieces. I love every hair on its adorable, machismo laden, goofy as hell head. It stars one of my favorite action stars, Sylvester Stallone in a performance that is both badass and hilariously silly. It's got funny one-liners, it's got likable characters who aren't annoying, it's got an awesomely over-the-top villain, it has thrilling action sequences and gratuitous abuse of running away from explosions in slow-motion while screaming "Uaaarrrrrgh!". It really encapsulates everything that was great about the 90's action movie into one big, cream-filled pastry of delight.

He's lucky. Most guys can't pull off a beret.

Of course the 80's were also rife with that stuff as well in their action movies, but for some reason the 90's just had a different feel to them. I think perhaps it's that more money was thrown into them in the 90's, which had a tendency to make them look more polished. Also since it wasn't the 80's anymore, the hair was a bit less unfortunate. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the budget.

For those poor souls unfamiliar with "Demolition Man," the set up begins in the "near future" of 1996. Simon Phoenix, the insane terrorist played with gloriously manic WTFness by Wesley Snipes, is holding civilians hostage in his fortress. Then, from a helicopter, like a bungee-jumping God from the sky comes Stallone, playing John Spartan, a cop so macho that making buildings explode behind him in slow-motion is on his resume.

Seriously. It's listed right underneath screaming "PHOENIIIIIX!!!!"

They have a riveting battle which ends with Spartan apprehending Phoenix, but not before the building (of course) explodes, taking out all the hostages that Spartan thought had been moved. Phoenix is locked up for pretty much forever, but Spartan is also sentenced to a long prison term due to the 30-some counts of unintentional manslaughter. They are both put into a cyro-prison, and frozen.

In the 30 or so years they spend frozen, a truly bizarre, euphoric society devoid of all violence, bad things or even mild impoliteness rises. So when Phoenix gets dethawed for his parole hearing (which for some reason he gets before Spartan), and escapes to go on a killing spree, the police don't have the slightest clue on how to handle this maniac. After all, guns are only in museums, and the last MDK ("murder death kill") on record was more than 15 years ago. The only solution they can think of is to send the man who caught Phoenix the first time, so Spartan is released to bring this guy down, all while having to deal with the annoyingly charming society that he's found himself a part of.

One of the things I love most about "Demolition Man" is how funny it is. There is a lot of humor to be found in the bizarre formality and goody-two-shoes nature of this society, but there's also a lot of social satire going on as well which is quite funny. The only music is 30-second jingles from commercials, and it's very strange to see people singing along to the Oscar Mayer Hot Dog Song with the same joy as Wayne and Garth headbanging to Bohemian Rhapsody. Sex is only legal via virtual headset, and even kissing is taboo. Every restaurant is Taco Bell, as there was apparently a "Franchise War" in the future, of which TB was the only one left standing. It's all very Paul Verhoeven.

And the freaking Swear Machine. Best running gag ever. For seriously.

We are given a tour of this absurdly friendly and proper brave new world by Sandra Bullock, playing Huxley, a cop who is obsessed with the violent 90's, but is so far removed from it that she's really more of a fan-girl than a true expert. This is evident in her constant butchering of common sayings, such as "He really matched his meat. You really licked his ass!"

Yeah, it's juvenile, but those parts crack me up something awful. Stallone having to constantly correct her, growing ever more impatient as he does so is just hysterical to me. Sandra Bullock is also just plain adorable in her innocence coupled with possibly not-quite-earned bravado.

 And dang it, could she be more cute?

Also appearing is Denis Leary, who's most likely just there because they needed a guy who could rant, and a young Rob Schneider who not only manages to avoid being soul-punchingly annoying, but ends up delivering one of the best lines in the film: "We're police officers, we're not equipped to deal with this kind of violence!" Jessie Ventura is there also as one of Phoenix's thugs who doesn't have a single line, which while cool kind of sucks since it wastes him. Also if you don't blink you can also catch Jack Black as one of Denis Leary's crew.

But cameos aside, the guy who really steals the show is Wesley Snipes. This is one of the most gloriously over-the-top villainous performances I've ever seen. He's so wacky that he almost seems like a cartoon character in the best possible way, and at no point does it seem like he's taking anything seriously. He just wants to kill people. Phoenix actually has something of a Joker vibe about him, and it makes him a blast to watch.

"Wait a minute, this is the future. Where are all the phaser guns?"

But the thing that always makes or breaks a movie is the action. "Demolition Man" could have honestly used a few more action scenes, if you ask me, but the ones that are there are fun, full of bullets, explosions and mayhem, and hit pretty hard as you've got two great action stars in top form. And yes, it's easy to forget that fact, since today Stallone is shaped like a block of a dozen lumpy 2x4s nailed together and Snipes is currently trying to figure out how to pull an Andy Dufresne through a sewer pipe, back in the day these guys were A-list stars.

Ok, if you ask me they're still A-list, but my taste in film is reputed to be somewhat suspect. I'll never live down dropping an obscene amount of money on that VHS of "Yor: The Hunter from The Future" am I?

But who cares about that anyway, am I right? These movies aren't meant for anything more or less than being a fun time, and "Demolition Man" delivers like few other films can. It's one of my favorite 90's action movies, and if it isn't one of yours, you're incapable of appreciating the finer things in the "awesome" department. And then I just feel bad for you.

I mean seriously. What's your boggle?

"My boggle?"

THE BOTTOM LINE - Few things are as bad-ass as "Demolition Man." It's one of the defining action movies of the 90's, one of my favorites, and if you've never seen it, you need to do so immediately. If nothing else, you'll never look at Taco Bell the same way again. Very Highly Recommended.