Bait (2012)

Anyone who reads this blog will remember how much I love shark movies. Shark movies are like the herpes of low-budget horror filmmaking - numerous, easily produced, and seldom pleasant to look at. And while it's true that the zombie feature could easily fit that bill as well, at least those don't require filming in the water, a technique so troublesome that often shark movies simply fall back on crappy CGI instead of bothering. Because as we all know, sharks always look convincing when made in a computer.

At least zombies can be made to look realistic using corn syrup, toilet paper and some red food coloring. Sharks are a bit more demanding. Why these film companies continue to make these shark movies for next to nothing when by their nature they require a good amount of money and talent to make them look good is a mystery to me. It just seems like a colossal waste of time.

So it was not without a bit of skepticism that I watched "Bait," a shark movie from Australia. To be honest the only thing that seemed like it would make it any better or at least different from the rest was the concept. In "Bait," a tsunami hits Queensland, flooding a supermarket along with the rest of the city. The people inside the store who survive are then faced with a 12-foot Great White that is swimming among the aisles. I must admit, that's a new one.

I also admittedly loved the tagline: "Cleanup on aisle 7." That's awesomely bad.

Apparently Australia is more serious about their shark movies than we are, because "Bait" is clearly making a heroic effort to make a good film. The sets look fantastic, the CGI is admittedly top notch for the genre, and the sharks actually look good. I can't believe I'm typing that but it's true. This is probably the first shark movie I've ever seen which features CGI sharks that look like they actually belong on this plane of existence. It's clear that the makers of this movie cared, and the studio cared enough to give them the budget. It's a nice change of pace.

"Bait" is a movie that's kind of hard to pin down in terms of the question "Is it good or not." It's probably best to instead ask "Does it do what it set out to do well." In those terms, I'd say "Bait" does just that. As far as killer shark movies go it's a pretty solid flick. And in what has to be a first, the sharks are actually fairly convincing despite being CGI. Trust me, that's a miracle.

Good lord, that actually looks like a shark!

Despite all of that, it's still a killer shark movie. It's not doing anything different from the rest, it's just that this time it's a well produced, well made film. While that gives it an official pass, whether or not it's a success as a movie depends completely on whether or not you're a fan of killer shark movies.

The biggest problem with a movie like this is that the plot does typically devolve into some by-the-numbers drudgery. Despite holding some decently effective tension throughout, it's always pretty clear when another cast member is about to become a serving of sashimi. Pro-tip for anyone watching one of these movies: If a heretofore minor character whose name you don't even know gets a dramatic closeup before doing something, they're about to die. That's the director's way of being nice before killing them off.

It doesn't help when the characters do some questionable things which seem unnecessarily suicidal. It's almost like they simply don't want to survive any longer. I'm just not sure why anyone would ever willingly dangle themselves over the water in these movies. They have to know the shark is going to just jump out of the water and eat them. And were I in that situation, I'd say as much, but then you'd have the one guy yelling back "You have any better suggestions?!" After that everyone would meekly cave in to his terrible idea, and someone else would sit themselves comfortably on the platter and begin seasoning themselves.

I, on the other hand, would bring up neat little factoids such as: "You know we have like a freaking bowie knife attached to a pole, right? That's called a spear, and we haven't used it for anything. We also have that really pointy hunk of metal that we pulled out of that dudes leg. We could make a scythe out of that thing. The shark is right there. Like, right there, slowly swimming around not 5 feet away from us. It's just doing laps. Let's stab it. A lot. With spears. The phrase "fish in a barrel" comes to mind. What's the problem here?"

Oh. Sorry, you're right. Get in the water wearing that. Solid plan. chief.

There's also some fairly useless side stories going on including a robbery gone Category 5 Bad, all of which is exposited on during the unusually lengthy intro. And while I shan't begrudge a film for characterization, it seems a bit strange to give such focus on events that are rendered pretty null and void once that tsunami hits and all the character's priorities switch over to "Don't get eaten." Of course there's still the prerequisite "Who's going in the water so the other person doesn't have to" thing the romantic interests do, but I don't think we need a half hour lead-in to establish a couple as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Again, that's not to say it is done poorly, because it's not. It's just a thing that I found slightly mystifying. Well, on second thought maybe the robbery thing wasn't done that great. I honestly didn't see the point in that at all. I just don't see the use of having a human villain in a killer shark movie. Somehow I'm more threatened by the sharks.

I know this wasn't the most glowing recommendation I've ever given, but in terms of killer shark movies, trust me, when I say that they got something as obviously important but as easily screwed up as "Make sure the sharks look good" right, that's a pretty big endorsement for these kinds of movies. After all, you know what you're going to get with a film of this genre. What matters is how hard they tried.

"AHH!!! I IMMEDIATELY REGRET THIS DECISION!"

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Bait" is not a great movie until you compare it to the slew of other shark movies that are terrible. Its best quality is the fact that in a genre that is riddled with horrible crap, it manages to not be bad. Take that for what it's worth. If you like killer shark movies, this one is worth checking out. Recommended for genre fans.

Sand Sharks (2012)

Welcome to the second installment in my SHARK ATTACK WEEK TRILOGY, where I'll be looking at 3 different shark movies to see how they stack up. The first one, "Shark Week" by The Asylum was pretty lame. What horrors from the deep await me next? Read on!

You know, there comes a time, every once in a while, when I have to admit to myself that I've seen way too many movies, and that I may have a problem. This thought occured to me while watching today's film, "Sand Sharks," a movie that was picked up solely for the premise.

I mean, come on. Look at that majesty on the DVD cover. A shark that swims in the sand? That is ingeniously stupid. But it became clear to me that I may have a problem when I began watching the movie and realized that it was the second film I've seen this year starring Brooke Hogan, daughter of Hulk. (Actually, her name sounds amazingly bad-ass when said in that fashion.)

She was the star of the Asylum Film, "2-Headed Shark Attack," which I reviewed earlier this year. Also of interest was the fact that "2-Headed Shark Attack" was also directed by Christopher Olen Ray, who directed yesterdays "Shark Week." And now, without meaning to, I'm watching another shark movie starring Brooke Hogan. I don't know whether to be amused at the smallness of the world, be impressed by my movie consumption, or simply cry myself to sleep over my wasted years.

I can see it now. My tombstone will read: "Here lies Patrick Jackson. He watched low-budget creature features starring the children of professional wrestlers." Classy. Can't wait to die.

Why couldn't I have Royal Tenenbaum's tombstone?

I'm going to cut to the chase with this one. "Sand Sharks," while not good, is a measurable step up from "Shark Week." The reason for this is that A) The production value is slightly higher, B) It's meant to be more of a comedy, and C) It's basically a ripoff of "Jaws" to the point of spoofing several iconic scenes. And while this mostly just made me roll my eyes, in theory if you were to perhaps slam your head in a car door several times and get a severe concussion, then blindfolded yourself and simply listened to the movie with earmuffs on while sticking your head under a pillow, it might be possible to pretend you were watching "Jaws." So that at least puts it up over "Shark Week," although the prep-work involved is a tad excessive.

So yeah, the movie is about sharks that can swim through the sand. They start by snacking on some bikers and random beach-goers before threatening to ruin a "huge" party that the mayor's douchebag son is trying to throw in order to generate much needed revenue for the island town. And just like "Jaws," despite early warning signs and deaths, the authorities refuse to close down the beaches on account of bad business practice.

Now, I said "huge" party because it's clear that "Sand Sharks" only had about 40 extras to use for the party scene, so there's never any wide establishing shots of the crowd, which is kind of annoying to watch because it's clear that if the camera were to scoot a mere inch to the left there would be only sand and air. Also you can see the same handful of people show up many times. This gives the impression that they can either teleport via camera edit, or that during the panicky running around scenes, they are simply running in circles like idiots.

Seems legit.

The funniest part about the party scenes, however, is the fact that you can clearly hear the same 2 guys doing ADR every time you see the crowd. And of course the mixing in the booth is far clearer than the sound they picked up on the beach, which makes it sound really artificial and canned. Just imagine watching "Beach Blanket Bingo" with a guy standing behind you saying "Yeah! Alright! This party's awesome! Wooo! Spring Break!" anytime they started dancing. Sounds fun, right?

Brooke Hogan shows up as the Matt Hooper equivalent, as she is playing a marine biologist. In much the same way that "Alone In The Dark" included Tara Reid as an archeologist, this is a little tough to swallow, to the point that the movie actually makes it the subject of a joke at one point, with one of the characters asking "Doctor of what?" when she is introduced with her professional moniker. On the plus side, unlike Tara Reid, Brooke Hogan has the capacity to actually pronounce the words that are coming out of her mouth. So good job on that one.

Why can't I escape you? And why are you constantly one of the better actors in these movies?!

I'm actually not joking when I say that Brooke Hogan wasn't bad in this. For what this movie is, she did just fine, and is the only character that plays her part fairly straight, which is out of the norm for most of the rest of the cast, who play up the goofiness full blast. Some are worse than others, none more so than our main character, the douchebag throwing the party, played to the zany hilt by Corin Nemec. And while I did appreciate the fact that they're not trying to kid us into attempting the thought of taking "Sand Sharks" seriously, the line between "quirky" and "obnoxious" was obliterated almost the instant he walked on screen.

Just imagine Dane Cook playing Van Wilder imitating Jim Carrey. And never sleep again.

We also have Asylum veteren Robert Pike Daniel playing the Quint equivalent, and yeah, I guess his performance is genuinely salty enough. Although I must say that it's quite distracting whenever you have a guy talking like a pirate in your movie. Especially when it's not about pirates. I just always find myself thinking how much more interesting the film would have been had it been set in the Caribbean in the 1700's. I dunno. At least it'd be unique.

I guess I just don't understand why he's doing a pirate voice instead of Quint's gruff Bostonian accent. I mean, as long as we're ripping stuff off right? Hearing a dude saying stuff like "Yar, I be valuin' me neck fer more'n two thousan' bucks! I catch 'em fer ten, matey!" just does not have the same ring to it. I'm just saying.

I also don't remember Quint having a flamethrower. I'm also pretty sure those don't work that way.

Not so scurvy nor entertaining was Eric Scott Woods, playing the Brody equivalent, whose method of acting appears to be to clench his teeth to the point of shattering between every line reading, and then just look kind of sleepy. I guess being the least interesting person on the screen improves your survival odds in these films.

"Na-hurr...acting."

Finally, the issue of the CGI sharks must be addressed, because like all these movies, the sharks are CGI. And maybe it's just a thing, but I don't understand why it's so hard to make a shark look decent using CGI. I've never seen it done well. Not once. And this is no exception. Again, like "Shark Week," the sharks in this film look like Playstation 1 graphics, although they are a slight step up from "Shark Week." Maybe late era PS1.

Not helping is the fact that there is a real bad disconnect going on with the scale of these things, since once minute they're 30 feet long, and the next minute they're half that size. The worst example was at the end when the momma shark appears, at first literally appearing to be bigger than a blue whale, but then fully emerges from the ground in a building not 10 feet wide, comfortably fitting inside, fins spread and all. It tends to undermine the hugeness of the object.

I guess it was a slight step up from "Shark Week," if only because it didn't take itself too seriously, but it makes me wonder why it's apparently so freaking hard to make a good shark movie. Was "Jaws" just an inconceivable fluke? What happened?

This trilogy seems ill-fated...

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Sand Sharks" is a silly, low-budget creature feature which contains sequences of point-for-point rip offs of "Jaws." Honestly, if you wanted a shark movie that didn't take itself seriously, just watch "Deep Blue Sea." At least that one was somewhat unique. Skip this one.

Shark Week (2012)

It's time for another trilogy of films! For the next 3 days, I shall watch and talk about 3 similar themed movies. This week, it's SHARK ATTACK WEEK! This is a target rich environment, as shark movies are nearly literally a dime-a-dozen. And what luck! There just happened to be 3 straight to DVD shark movies released lately! Let's do this.

We start off the trilogy by once again taking a trip down to The Asylum, with their low-budget creature feature, "Shark Week." I have to say, it takes a certain amount of both courage and suicidal tendencies to throw in Asylum movies on a fairly regular basis. In a way it's much like Russian Roulette. When the movie is unexpectedly good or amusing in it's cheesiness, it's not unlike hearing that sweet "click" of the hammer falling on empty air in the chamber, and there's that wonderful moment of relief. But when the movie is bad, and man, when The Asylum is bad it's really bad, instead of a "click," all of sudden you're Christopher Walken and your brains are decorating both the wall and Robert DeNiro's face.

But wait? Would that mean I'd be Christopher Walken? Because that would be sweet. Are bad Asylum movies therefore a good thing? I think I'm getting off topic a bit. This movie ate.

"Shark Week" is directed by Christopher Olen Ray, the same man who brought us "2-Headed Shark Attack," a film that while bad at least got women in bikinis right. In fact, I did find "2-Headed Shark Attack" actually decently entertaining especially in retrospect, which is something that I can't say for "Shark Week." And while they were honestly about at the same level of sophistication, at least "2-Headed Shark Attack" had a high body count, funny characters, an attempt at practical effects, a script that made a modicum more sense, and a bunch of ladies who were really, really hot.

"Shark Week" is simply boring. That's the biggest problem with Asylum movies, which is that when they get bad, it's not just that what you're seeing is dumb, it's that it's dull to the point of being an excellent sleep aide. The characters are also next to faceless, with literally no characterization given at all besides the reason why they are here. There are no practical effects whatsoever, and all the sharks are really poorly done CGI that would have been laughed off of a PS1 game. The script is absurdly bad, with the acting being the only thing worse. And there's not a bikini to be found.

All I'm saying is at this point, a sassy little two-piece couldn't hurt your film.

What "Shark Week" is trying to pull off is essentially a combination of "Saw" and "Deep Blue Sea" with a little bit of mafia vendetta thrown in as an excuse to make it all happen. Patrick Bergen plays our villain, a man named Tiberon, who is a drug runner who's son was killed. You can tell he's trying to go for a Don Johnson / Jeff Fahey thing, but he comes off more like that uncle that gets drunk on the holidays and starts in with their political dogma about how "Gov'ment ain't right," much to the discomfort of everyone else in the room.

"Obama's a Muslim Nazi! FEMA camps! THE GAYS!!!"

Joining him is Yancy Butler, who is totally slumming it being in this, as his psycho girlfriend type who I think is supposed to be modeled after Katya from "Die Hard With A Vengeance," but Yancy just looks bored and embarrassed to be there. It's actually pretty sad, although I'd be ashamed too if I was forced to spit out such dreck as "Sharks are gods."

"Offer yourself to the great ruler of time and space, Jabberjaw."

What Tiberon is up to is revenging himself upon the people who he feels are responsible for his son's death. He rounds up the undercover cop who ended up shooting him, the druggie who snitched, the chick who led the investigation, the prosecutor for the investigation, the medic who couldn't save him, and so on and so forth. It's portrayed as this big, intricate mystery as to "why are they all here," and every once in a while there's a scene with a big revelation and shocked faces all around, when I'm guessing the mention of the dead criminal's name would have made it so that all 8 of the victims would have immediately put two and two together, considering they were all right in the middle of the situation.

It's like in "Final Fantasy VIII" when all the characters conveniently forgot they all grew up in the same orphanage. You may say that it never came up, but it's a lot easier to buy the "You are all stupid" explanation as opposed to the "Nobody asked" one. Either way it's dumb.

The whole movie consists of these simpletons walking from place to place going up against bigger and bigger sharks, completely going along with whatever Tiberon wants them to do, because as they convince themselves "They have no choice." Well, perhaps they don't, but there were a few occasions when they straight up unnecessarily put themselves into a dangerous situation for no good reason. Like when they were walking along a beach, saw a shark, and got into the water in an effort to kill it. This gets two of them killed. I just had to guess that they forgot that sharks don't usually remove themselves from the water, and they could have easily just kept walking.

While watching movies like this, I usually try to find maybe one character that I can latch onto, or at least route for to make it a bit more entertaining. For "Shark Week" it was the character of Layla, played by Valerie Garcia. She's the only character given even the slightest bit of personality, as she is playing a tattooed, slightly punk druggie with a sweet haircut that is introduced to us while she is sitting in a bathtub full of water while wearing a dress.

See, at least her introduction is memorable. I don't remember anything about anybody else, but I remember that she was the chick in the bathtub. I was honestly hoping she'd be the one to survive, but unfortunately she ends up getting taken out at the end of the second act. And although she goes out more hardcore than anyone else, after that point I honestly didn't care anymore, because my favorite was gone. But damn it, she took out a shark with a landmine, and that's awesome.

Cupcake, you've got more balls than any of the rest of them. Good on ya.

Look, I hate to bash movies like this. I really do. I love the fact that the people involved obviously love what they do. I want them to keep going. But for the love of criminy, can they please stop overreaching their means by thinking that this horrendous CGI they do is passable? Maybe they can cut back on the monster flicks until their budget warrants it? And if the budget never warrants it, just don't do monster movies. It wouldn't be hard to not do it.

All I'm saying is that when all your budget can afford is cardboard, spraypaint and a Lego set, maybe it's not the right time to try and make "Avatar," you know what I mean?

THE BOTTOM LINE - Even for Asylum fans, "Shark Week" is pretty bad. I was honestly expecting a bit more from the guy who gave us the passable "2-Headed Shark Attack," and no, that's not a joke. An hour and a half would be better served watching that one. At least that one was kind of funny. This is on the low end of The Asylum's scale. Skip It.

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

Oh I'm for real. This is not a test, yes that just happened, and no, I have not taken up Photoshop in order to make my worst fever-dreams a reality. I'm as serious as an aneurism. Do not adjust your television sets or check to see if someone slipped LSD in your coffee. I give you "2-Headed Shark Attack." Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Asylum.

The Asylum is a movie production company that has been around for a while now. They make what they call "mockbusters," which are low-budget (see also: no budget) rip offs of other, more successful and popular films. Think I may be nitpicking when I say they are rip-offs? Some Asylum movies of note are "Snakes On A Train," "The Day The Earth Stopped," and "Transmorphers." The point of that, of course, is so that grandma can buy the wrong movie in the clearance bin for Junior's birthday.

Ever since finding out about them, I have been a fan. I mean, how could you not love movies with names like that? The sheer audacity and testicular fortitude it takes to make movies that blatant is astounding. Now, don't get me wrong. Overall, these movies are god-awful. I mean bad. Most of the time, they aren't even the kind of bad that is enjoyable. They're just so bad they're boring.

Movies like "The Terminators" and "Megaquake" are painful to sit through due to their incredible lack of anything interesting happening, but every once in a while, The Asylum knocks one out of the park. "Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus" in particular is fantastic in its ridiculous nature, and "100 Million B.C." as well as "The Land That Time Forgot," are their best action films. And "100 Million B.C." has Michael Gross! That's awesome!

Come on! Burt from the "Tremors" series! Nothing? Ah, screw all you philistines.

The Asylum also deserves credit for even one-upping their source material on one occasion. Their version of "Paranormal Activity," called "Paranormal Entity," was FAR superior to the movie it is ripping off, not a difficult task mind you, but "Paranormal Entity" is actually not a bad piece of work by itself, even if it wasn't a rip-off, and is unquestionably their best movie.

But back to "2-Headed Shark Attack." The Asylum is kind of shackled to monster features like this, and they've made A LOT of them, most involving really big sea creatures. Most are pretty pathetic, and while "2-Headed Shark Attack" pretty much falls in the middle of the pack in terms of quality (it is generally just "meh" at best), it's their most efficient entry in terms of doing what it set out to do. And what does it do?

^This.

 

Babes. Babes in bikinis. Lots of them. Babes in bikinis is how this movie rolls, and it does it LIKE A BOSS.

I mean, that's all you really need to know, because that's the only reason this movie exists. The rather unnecessarily large cast is roughly 70% female, not a single one of them is harsh on the eyes, and all but two of them spend the entire film in bikinis or occasionally less. And every 10 minutes or so, some of them get eaten by a shark with two heads.

You know what? One, please.

I'm serious. After "Drive," "The Ides of March," and "J. Edgar," I'm ready for some entertainment, damn it. So you know what? I'm kicking back and enjoying the smut. Break out the popcorn and beer. Let's light this candle.

If I had to describe the story, I would say it's um…present. It exists, but it doesn't really like to make itself known. It's a very shy creature. Basically, there are a bunch of college students on a "semester at sea" boat, which is about a third of the size needed to house that amount of people at sea for a semester, but was obviously the biggest boat they could borrow from one of the director's rich friends. Along the way Carmen Electra, boobs, bad acting, and a 2-headed shark happens and an island explodes on itself. And that's about it really.

The attacks, which one would assume would be the highlights, tend to be some of the weakest moments of the film. There's effectively no tension at all, because the movie never stops to NOT do the same thing it's done before. The moment someone gets the water, they immediately go to the bad CG-shark swimming towards them, and after an ETERNITY it finally gets to the person and eats them in a series of bad edits. And since the shark has two heads, almost every attack involves two people falling in the water at the same time to be eaten by one head each, because we didn't get the fact that it's a 2-headed shark based on something like the title.

Hilariously, there's a CG shot of the shark chomping at the water (and nothing else) that is recycled several times throughout the film when the shark is eating someone, even when it was clearly shown in the shots before and after it that there was somebody in its mouth who disappears for that one shot. Then they're back in the next one. It's pretty funny and makes for a hell of a drinking game that can be played with any Asylum movie: "Spot the recycled shot." You'll be bombed before 30 minutes, which isn't a bad way to watch these movies.

Seems legit.

I mentioned the acting before and yeah, it's pretty rough. It's obvious that these kids were not chosen for their acting prowess. Let me put it this way: Brooke Hogan (yes, the Hulkster's daughter) is one of the better actresses in the film. Think about that. Carmen Electra actually isn't given that much to do, which I would normally say would be to the film's advantage, but it's not like she'd bring the movie down. Hell, I'm pretty sure she has the most acting experience of anyone in this thing.

It's just a weird thing when Debbie Gibson and Tiffany in "Mega-Piranha" were more convincing.

Debbie: "It's OK, Tiffany. I think we're alone now." Tiffany: ::SLAP::

There was one exception, however. Mercedes Young, who plays the token black girl is given the best lines in the movie, and gives amazing readings of them. Her finger snapping, head shifting back-and-forth delivery of such gems as "Oh, he gon' die!" and "You's a bitch" are hysterical, and are hands down the most entertaining part of the film besides the bikinis.

For anyone who watches this movie and complains, take a look at the DVD cover again. What the hell else do you want? If you picked up this movie, there's no way you didn't know what you're getting yourself into. And you have to admit, at no point does "2-Headed Shark Attack" lie to you. Trust me, movies lie to you all the time with this stuff. Low budget as The Asylum is, it's nice to have some honesty for once.

THE BOTTOM LINE: While not the best movie The Asylum has made, "2-Headed Shark Attack" is far from the worst. If you've seen and even halfway enjoyed any of their other films, check this one out. That being said, it's still low-budget schlock that's just a tad south of a Sci-Fi Channel movie, so unless you dig that stuff, I shouldn't even have to tell you to skip it. Me? I enjoyed it.

Shark Night

The thing I've never really liked about slasher movies is that I've never been able to wrap my head around rooting for the villain. I think that you should like the accused protagonists and not want to see them horribly butchered. But if the characters are just annoying turds that you want to see die as quickly as possible, then it's not a scary movie, because there is no sense of tension or dread. You WANT the deaths to happen, which is opposite of the way horror should work. And that illustrates my biggest issue which slasher movies: they are considered horror films. They're not. They're Looney Toons without the "funny-ha-ha."

All I'm saying is that if movies like "Friday the 13th," "Sleepaway Camp," the "Halloween" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" sequels, and "Piranha" are considered horror, so is "Itchy & Scratchy."

Can you feel the bone-chilling terror?

I actually had a good feeling going into "Shark Night." I thought it might be a fun time. Why? I have no earthly idea. I guess I figured it might be fun and cheesy, something along the lines of "Piranha" except not terrible. Then I saw the four syllables that signal the death blow to almost any horror movie bearing them: PG-13.

Oh my god, this is going to suck.

I hate being right all the time. "Shark Night" did indeed suck, and as much as I hate to say it considering how much I despised the equally terrible "Piranha," at least that movie had the R-rated gore factor which made it interesting. It also had Ving Rhames, which is pretty sweet. "Shark Night" does not have Ving, nor anyone else really. Definitely nobody near as cool as Mr. Rhames. But it did keep one thing from "Piranha": douchbags. Oh do they have douchbags to spare.

That is something that has always and will always kill these freaking movies for me. I hate the characters. Every single one of these movies has a cast of the most annoying jack-offs that they could assemble, and it's like reeds under the fingernails for me every time one of their mouths open up. This movie has redneck inbred hillbillies, beer swilling fratboys, a dude who spray-tans his junk, and-

God help me.

...It's that douchy scientist from "Avatar." Clearly, this will not be fun for me. Do you know what they have this guy do? They have him yell the phrase "I'm on a boat!" when they get on the said vessel headed for their little island getaway. Yeah, that's going to hold up real well in 10 years when nobody remembers that song. Can you imagine watching this in the future when that song has been erased from our collective memory? How weird is that scene going to play out?

[TV] "I'm on a boat!"
::pause::
[You] "Umm...yes. Yes, you are on a boat. Good job. You must have been studying."

Is it going to be like that the whole movie? I'm in a room? I'm on a couch? I'm on the toilet? I have a beer? I've lost my leg? I'm separated from my torso? I'm in shark? Because I gotta be honest, that would be an improvement, and I'd get behind it.

I know I'm being hard on the douchy scientist from "Avatar" guy, but really he wasn't the worst. He was just the easiest target because he's the only person in this movie you've probably seen in anything. Although one of the bad guys looks a hell of a lot like Casper Van Dien, which again, would have improved the movie. It makes me wonder why they didn't just get him. It's not like he's doing anything.

The whole cast is just so stock that I can't even be bothered to remember their names. There was Butt, Tattoos, Spray-Tan, Token Black Guy, Douchy "Avatar" Guy, Commander Sheppard from "Mass Effect," Casper Van Dien, Redneck, and Forehead. Forehead demands a special mention because MY GOD. I thought Christina Ricci had whacked out face proportions, but you could open a ski resort on that thing.

A forehead or the rolling plains of Nebraska? You make the call.

That's really all there is to it. I mean, a bunch of douchbags get eaten by sharks in a PG-13 manor. There is not a single thing in the movie which surprises, except for the fact that it can't even get "sharks eating people" right. The one time it's done halfway decently is the one time they blatantly rip off "Jaws." Go figure.

BOTTOM LINE: A boring, watered-down, PG-13, nut-less, wanna-be shark movie. Don't bother.