The thing I've never really liked about slasher movies is that I've never been able to wrap my head around rooting for the villain. I think that you should like the accused protagonists and not want to see them horribly butchered. But if the characters are just annoying turds that you want to see die as quickly as possible, then it's not a scary movie, because there is no sense of tension or dread. You WANT the deaths to happen, which is opposite of the way horror should work. And that illustrates my biggest issue which slasher movies: they are considered horror films. They're not. They're Looney Toons without the "funny-ha-ha."
All I'm saying is that if movies like "Friday the 13th," "Sleepaway Camp," the "Halloween" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" sequels, and "Piranha" are considered horror, so is "Itchy & Scratchy."
Can you feel the bone-chilling terror?
I actually had a good feeling going into "Shark Night." I thought it might be a fun time. Why? I have no earthly idea. I guess I figured it might be fun and cheesy, something along the lines of "Piranha" except not terrible. Then I saw the four syllables that signal the death blow to almost any horror movie bearing them: PG-13.
Oh my god, this is going to suck.
I hate being right all the time. "Shark Night" did indeed suck, and as much as I hate to say it considering how much I despised the equally terrible "Piranha," at least that movie had the R-rated gore factor which made it interesting. It also had Ving Rhames, which is pretty sweet. "Shark Night" does not have Ving, nor anyone else really. Definitely nobody near as cool as Mr. Rhames. But it did keep one thing from "Piranha": douchbags. Oh do they have douchbags to spare.
That is something that has always and will always kill these freaking movies for me. I hate the characters. Every single one of these movies has a cast of the most annoying jack-offs that they could assemble, and it's like reeds under the fingernails for me every time one of their mouths open up. This movie has redneck inbred hillbillies, beer swilling fratboys, a dude who spray-tans his junk, and-
I actually had a good feeling going into "Shark Night." I thought it might be a fun time. Why? I have no earthly idea. I guess I figured it might be fun and cheesy, something along the lines of "Piranha" except not terrible. Then I saw the four syllables that signal the death blow to almost any horror movie bearing them: PG-13.
Oh my god, this is going to suck.
I hate being right all the time. "Shark Night" did indeed suck, and as much as I hate to say it considering how much I despised the equally terrible "Piranha," at least that movie had the R-rated gore factor which made it interesting. It also had Ving Rhames, which is pretty sweet. "Shark Night" does not have Ving, nor anyone else really. Definitely nobody near as cool as Mr. Rhames. But it did keep one thing from "Piranha": douchbags. Oh do they have douchbags to spare.
That is something that has always and will always kill these freaking movies for me. I hate the characters. Every single one of these movies has a cast of the most annoying jack-offs that they could assemble, and it's like reeds under the fingernails for me every time one of their mouths open up. This movie has redneck inbred hillbillies, beer swilling fratboys, a dude who spray-tans his junk, and-
God help me.
...It's that douchy scientist from "Avatar." Clearly, this will not be fun for me. Do you know what they have this guy do? They have him yell the phrase "I'm on a boat!" when they get on the said vessel headed for their little island getaway. Yeah, that's going to hold up real well in 10 years when nobody remembers that song. Can you imagine watching this in the future when that song has been erased from our collective memory? How weird is that scene going to play out?
[TV] "I'm on a boat!"
::pause::
[You] "Umm...yes. Yes, you are on a boat. Good job. You must have been studying."
Is it going to be like that the whole movie? I'm in a room? I'm on a couch? I'm on the toilet? I have a beer? I've lost my leg? I'm separated from my torso? I'm in shark? Because I gotta be honest, that would be an improvement, and I'd get behind it.
I know I'm being hard on the douchy scientist from "Avatar" guy, but really he wasn't the worst. He was just the easiest target because he's the only person in this movie you've probably seen in anything. Although one of the bad guys looks a hell of a lot like Casper Van Dien, which again, would have improved the movie. It makes me wonder why they didn't just get him. It's not like he's doing anything.
The whole cast is just so stock that I can't even be bothered to remember their names. There was Butt, Tattoos, Spray-Tan, Token Black Guy, Douchy "Avatar" Guy, Commander Sheppard from "Mass Effect," Casper Van Dien, Redneck, and Forehead. Forehead demands a special mention because MY GOD. I thought Christina Ricci had whacked out face proportions, but you could open a ski resort on that thing.
A forehead or the rolling plains of Nebraska? You make the call.
That's really all there is to it. I mean, a bunch of douchbags get eaten by sharks in a PG-13 manor. There is not a single thing in the movie which surprises, except for the fact that it can't even get "sharks eating people" right. The one time it's done halfway decently is the one time they blatantly rip off "Jaws." Go figure.
BOTTOM LINE: A boring, watered-down, PG-13, nut-less, wanna-be shark movie. Don't bother.
...It's that douchy scientist from "Avatar." Clearly, this will not be fun for me. Do you know what they have this guy do? They have him yell the phrase "I'm on a boat!" when they get on the said vessel headed for their little island getaway. Yeah, that's going to hold up real well in 10 years when nobody remembers that song. Can you imagine watching this in the future when that song has been erased from our collective memory? How weird is that scene going to play out?
[TV] "I'm on a boat!"
::pause::
[You] "Umm...yes. Yes, you are on a boat. Good job. You must have been studying."
Is it going to be like that the whole movie? I'm in a room? I'm on a couch? I'm on the toilet? I have a beer? I've lost my leg? I'm separated from my torso? I'm in shark? Because I gotta be honest, that would be an improvement, and I'd get behind it.
I know I'm being hard on the douchy scientist from "Avatar" guy, but really he wasn't the worst. He was just the easiest target because he's the only person in this movie you've probably seen in anything. Although one of the bad guys looks a hell of a lot like Casper Van Dien, which again, would have improved the movie. It makes me wonder why they didn't just get him. It's not like he's doing anything.
The whole cast is just so stock that I can't even be bothered to remember their names. There was Butt, Tattoos, Spray-Tan, Token Black Guy, Douchy "Avatar" Guy, Commander Sheppard from "Mass Effect," Casper Van Dien, Redneck, and Forehead. Forehead demands a special mention because MY GOD. I thought Christina Ricci had whacked out face proportions, but you could open a ski resort on that thing.
A forehead or the rolling plains of Nebraska? You make the call.That's really all there is to it. I mean, a bunch of douchbags get eaten by sharks in a PG-13 manor. There is not a single thing in the movie which surprises, except for the fact that it can't even get "sharks eating people" right. The one time it's done halfway decently is the one time they blatantly rip off "Jaws." Go figure.
BOTTOM LINE: A boring, watered-down, PG-13, nut-less, wanna-be shark movie. Don't bother.
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