You Only Live Twice (1967)

Welcome to the second part of my "Bond - Sean Connery, Part II" Trilogy, where I'll be looking at the final three official Bond films made by Eon featuring the definitive 007, Sean Connery. Last time we looked at the most successful film in the franchise, "Thunderball," which is coincidentally my least favorite of the Connery series. Today, we're going to both Japan and outer space in a film that I personally think is a big step up from the last outing - 1967's "You Only Live Twice." Get your martinis (shaken, naturally) and join me in a rollicking good time with everyone's favorite secret agent!

"You Only Live Twice" finds James Bond getting to the bottom of the abduction of Soviet and US spaceships. Each time one of the two countries launches a mission, it is quickly nabbed up by another mysterious vessel that swallows it up and brings it back down to Earth, where it is quickly lost to radar and vanishes.

"Om nom nom nom."

Both countries are under the impression that the other is behind it somehow. True, either country sabotaging their own space program makes little sense, but hey, it was the Cold War. That was like the U of M/Ohio State rivalry. It doesn't have to make sense, you just know you hate the other guy because he's terrible and stupid and sucks and you're better than him even if he clobbers you.

In any case, each side threatens war if another one of their ships is abducted. And for the $10,000 prize, can you guess who is behind the nefarious plot? It's a tough one since they've only been the villainous entity in nearly every single Bond movie so far. Of freaking course it's SPECTRE.

At least this time their base of operations is subtle.

After faking his own death so as to keep the enemy's attention elsewhere, James Bond goes to Japan, the place MI-6 believes to be the most likely location for the ship to have originated from. With the help of Tiger Tanaka (Tetsurô Tanba), he investigates a lead involving a shady Japanese business mogul, Mr. Osato (Teru Shimada), who naturally winds up being involved with SPECTRE.

It's at this point that in all honesty, the plot starts to run away from me. It's probably one of the more difficult stories in the Bond franchise to follow, at least for me anyway. There's a whole thing about Bond masquerading as a potential buyer for Tanaka, which seems to not accomplish much. And then he "gets married" in order to do...I'm not sure what. And then in the most infamous part of the movie, Sean Connery disguises himself as a Japanese person.

This succeeds just about as well as you'd imagine it would.

It's not that any of this is bad, with the exception of the whole "slanty-eyes makeup" thing, but putting all the pieces together is a little difficult upon reflection. The whole second act of "You Only Live Twice" is probably the weakest part, as the plot gets a little overly complex. On the other hand, it also throws helicopter battles and ninjas at you at the same time, so even if you're not exactly sure what's going on, it's still entertaining as hell.

The final act of "You Only Live Twice" more than makes up for any confusion that may have occurred earlier in the film. Bond penetrates SPECTRE's hidden base inside the crater of a volcano, which is one of the coolest and most iconic villainous lairs in the franchise's history, and we finally come face to face with the man who's been pulling the strings and punishing failure in henchmen for three films now, Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

Blofeld is played with slimy, evil menace by Donald Pleasence, one of the great unsung champions of slimy, evil menace. It's true that one film later the much tougher and physically intimidating Telly Savalas would play him, but for my money Donald Pleasence was the best. He is just so creepy and wrong with that hideous scar over his eye, and Pleasence was capable of being super intense while not so much as raising his voice. I think it's the eyes.

HOMEBOY NEVER BLINKS.

The first face-to-face meeting between Bond and Blofeld is one of the great moments in film history, and manages to be pretty intense even though there's no chance that you would ever think Bond isn't coming out on top. The dialogue by itself would be dynamite, even without Connery's sneering bemusement and Pleasence's oily conceit. And hey, it's even got the best title drop in the franchise.

Blofeld: "They told me you had been assassinated in Hong Kong."
Bond: "Yes. This is my second life."
Blofeld: "You only live twice, Mr. Bond."

I love it.

I'm not one to generally say that any one performance or sequence is worth the price of admission by itself, but seriously, I love the last act of "You Only Live Twice." Between the great acting between Connery and Pleasence, Tanaka's ninjas swarming Blofeld's lair and killer piranhas, it's a rocking good time. And yes, while it's true that "Austin Powers" and even later Bond films would bring these kind of things into the realm of near to outright comedy, at least at the time "You Only Live Twice" was actually taking itself relatively seriously, and it comes across as such.

There's also a weird little thing where Charles Gray, the actor who would go on to play Blofeld in "Diamonds Are Forever," has a small role as Henderson, an MI-6 operative in Japan who meets an untimely end right before he can give Bond some much needed info. Casting the same actor as a villain later seems strange to me. It would be like if they cast Gary Oldman as Ra's al Ghul when they next reboot Batman. It's a weird thing seeing him there, too. It's like I can see into the future and yell "That's him, James! Take him out! Take him out now!" He was good in the role, however. I liked him.

If I had to find things to nitpick about this one, it's essentially made up of the same things that were bugging me before. Many of the women are still far too dumb and horny to be taken as anything other than a total joke, although it's nowhere near as bad as "Thunderball" was. Actually the Japanese women, Mie Hama and Akiko Wakabayashi, who were both very big stars in Japan, are probably the most reserved and dignified of any of the Bond girls. They were the exception though. One can't forget the small bit part of Ling, played by Tsai Chin (who had a little cameo in "Casino Royale" many, many years later) who says one of the most groan-worthy phrases in Bond history: "Darling, I give you very best duck."

Um...thank you?

I'm also not a fan of the title song. The motif keeps popping up too, all throughout the film, as is normal for Bond. I don't know, I just prefer my Bond themes loud, bombastic and kind of skanky sounding. That way you've got a musical theme to crank over an action scene as opposed to hearing the soft strains on violins during softer moments. I don't want to equate the theme with softer moments! I want to equate the theme with 007 kicking ass.

The opening montage is boring, too. Oooh, umbrellas. That screams action right there.

The ending is also, as per the usual in these movies, very abrupt with no time to breathe at all before the credits roll. But at least it was slightly less abrupt than "Thunderball."

And for the love of Bahamut, can we please have a Bond movie that doesn't end out on the ocean? Is that just a thing that we do in a Bond movie? Is there nowhere else to end it? I think "Goldfinger" is the only Connery vessel that hasn't ended on the ocean at this point. Let's check...

"Dr. No"

"From Russia With Love"

"Thunderball"

"You Only Live Twice"

Wait a minute...let's fast forward here. How does "Diamonds Are Forever" end?

Pictured above - Two people on a yacht at sea.

SON OF A BITCH.

THE BOTTOM LINE - I liked "You Only Live Twice" a hell of a lot more than "Thunderball." I know it's not as well received, and it's easy to make fun of, but I still prefer it. I'd personaly put it among Connery's best Bond outings. This is just a fun, fun movie.

JAMES BOND

WILL RETURN IN

"DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER"

(WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THAT ONE GUY WHO DID THAT ONE MOVIE BETWEEN THAT ONE AND THIS ONE. BUT WE'RE NOT GOING CHRONOLOGICALLY BECAUSE I COULDN'T CALL IT "BOND - CONNERY, PART II" THEN NOW, COULD I? ANYWAY. HE'LL COME LATER. IN THE MEANTIME WE'LL JUST PRETEND THAT ONE NEVER HAPPENED EVEN THOUGH YOU KIND OF WOULDN'T GET A LOT OF REFERENCES TO CONNERY BEING BACK, AND THE BIT ABOUT REVENGE ON BLOFELD MIGHT BE LOST IF YOU DIDN'T WATCH THE ONE WE'RE SKIPPING HERE, BUT WHATEVER. JUST ROLL WITH IT. AM I RAMBLING? I'M SORRY. WHAT I'M ESSENTIALLY TRYING TO SAY IS...)

GEORGE LAZENBY

WILL APPEAR (LATER) IN

"ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE"

(SORRY, GEORGE.)

Thunderball (1965)

Fire up your high-speed boats and jet-packs, boy and girls! Prepare yourselves for the next trilogy of entries following the adventures of the world's most famous spy: Agent 007. In the last trilogy we looked at the first three films of the Bond franchise. Now we look at the last three official Eon films staring the definitive James Bond, Sean Connery. Join me in taking a look at the first film in my "Bond: Sean Connery, Part II" trilogy. Thrills and ludicrous shenanigans await us!

After the awesomeness that was "Goldfinger," the Bond series had a lot to live up to. The next year gave us "Thunderball," which when adjusted for inflation is still the highest grossing Bond film of all time, even after the spanking that "Skyfall" gave the box office. "Thunderball" is still the reigning champion. It also took the over-the-top elements of "Goldfinger," which while dubious seemed not fully insane, and brought it further towards the brink of crazy. This was a movie that set the franchise going down a pretty silly road. To the film's credit, though, it's still not as over-the-top as your average Roger Moore outing.

Although how in the hell Bond managed to pull this straight out of his ass is a mystery to me.

Oddly enough that's not the most bizarre thing to happen in that opening sequence, as not 30 seconds earlier he had just finished having a dramatic fight to the death with a guy in drag. It seriously looked like he was tussling with Frank N. Furter wearing his Sunday best. It was awesome.

So what's going on in "Thunderball" besides random jet packs and dudes wearing nylons? The plot is that SPECTRE uses an impersonator to take the place of an RAF pilot who is part of a training flight that is carrying two live atomic warheads. He kills the crew and crash lands the plane in the Carribean, where the warheads are acquired and hidden in an underwater cave. SPECTRE then threatens to blow up two major cities somewhere in the world unless they get...da Da DA-NA-NA!

100 million dollars!

It's true. Anyways, after an exceedingly long sequence at a spa where an assassination attempt almost kills him in an extremely dignified fashion involving looking like he dry-humped a weight-lifting bench till he died (don't ask) Bond is sent in to find the warheads. Using all of his *ahem*...charms...he "befriends" main Bond Girl for the evening, Domino (Claudine Auger). She is the mistress of Largo (Adolfo Celi), who is Blofeld's second in command, and is SPECTRE #2. He uses her to expose Largo and in an underwater climax which became the film's most memorable sequence, lots of spear-guns are fired, the warheads are found, Largo is defeated, Blofeld is most likely pissed off, and the movie once again ends out on the ocean.

So that's "Thunderball" in a nutshell. It's one of the most popular Bond movies ever.

It's also pretty damn boring and dull. I don't like "Thunderball." Not much at all. It's probably, no definitely is, my least favorite Sean Connery Bond film. And that's including "Dr. No."

This movie should have been called "Wetsuit: The Movie." So many damn wetsuits.

Here's the thing about "Thunderball." The plot isn't bad. In fact the plot is pretty solid. The biggest issue is that there's just not that much action going on, despite what it sounds like in the description. Most of the film is just Bond walking around talking to various people, then we go underwater and get an extended diving sequence which is about as much fun as holding your breath, Bond acts like a creepy rapist, gets laid, and then goes to talk to someone else before we get another extended diving sequence. It's just a chore to watch this thing, and I could never bring myself to get invested in it.

The underwater battle at the end between Largo and the frogmen had the potential to be really exciting, and at least at the start, it is. This is mostly to do with the fact that it's such a nice change of pace for something to be actually happening in one the boring and endless underwater sections. But it wears out its welcome pretty quick for me. It feels like it's going in slow motion, which makes sense since it's underwater, but even though it makes sense it's still not very conducive to a thrilling action sequence. This is especially so since the sequence is essentially 12 minutes of the same random dude in a black diving suit and another random dude in an orange diving suit killing each other. In slow motion.

This guy was my favorite. I called him Tom.

And getting back to that whole "creepy rapist" thing. You know, there's a few issues that start to bug me at this point in the Bond franchise, specifically with Connery. The first is that Bond seems less like a suave ladies man who is just a total mack-daddy who cannot be resisted and always knows exactly what to say, and more like the women are simply so incredibly horny and stupid that they will jump on the first breathing thing they see and start vigorously rubbing their crotch on it. It's seriously two steps away from being a porn where Sean Connery is the pizza delivery guy, and Claudine Auger is the barely dressed women who doesn't have enough money to tip him.

I've got nothing but mad love for Sean Connery but seriously, at this point in the franchise it's just ridiculous. Even in "Goldfinger" Bond basically forced himself on Pussy Galore, and yeah, it was creepy back then, too. By the time we get to "Thunderball," though, I'm really rooting for the villains to castrate this randy bastard, because he's out of control. He's outright grabbing unwilling women and jamming his tongue down their throats. Any normal woman would have doused him with enough pepper spray to season a wooly mammoth, but since it's Bond they can't help themselves and instantly strip.

"Why James, you're so charming when you're a disgusting pig..."

And the only thing that I can extrapolate from the whole thing is that James Bond's penis is magical. That's the only possible explanation. In addition to its mind control abilities, it also has the power to screw the evil out of anything it desires, as we've seen several times that the ladies in the villain's camp needed only a visit from a certain "Distinguished Gentleman" to see the light and come over to Bond's side.

In Sean Connery's defense though, if there was one guy who did in fact have a magical penis...

I know that it's just something that happens in these movies, and that's fine, but you can do it well and you can do it poorly. Once "Thunderball" came about, they weren't even trying anymore. The sad part is that it actually got worse from here. Guh. That's the one thing about the Bond movies I've never really liked.

The second problem is that I'm really getting annoyed with the character of Felix Leiter being played by a different actor in every single stinking Bond film I see. Seriously, it's really obnoxious. I'm not being nitpicky, either. Of the 10 Bond films that character has been in, there have been 8 different actors playing him. And the last movie he was in he was suddenly a black dude. Is it so difficult to get an actor back? Especially when I'm supposed to know who the character is on sight? For crying out loud...

The third problem I have with these early entries in the Bond franchise is that there is a serious lack of denouement. Sequences have a tendency to end abruptly with no breathing room, and sometimes before we can even process what just went down. For instance, let's look at both the beginning and end of "Thunderball," because they're both good examples of this problem.

In the opening sequence, Bond has a fight with a guy in drag, goes to the roof where he inexplicably has a jetpack waiting for him, and uses it to escape from a bunch of bad guys running after him. Silly, yes, but still exciting. He lands right by his car, takes off the jetpack and gets in the car when the bad guys, still in pursuit, start shooting as they run towards him. For some reason deciding not to simply start driving away, he fires what seems to be water out at them from the back tail lights. Then as they're slipping and sliding around *BAM* we crash cut to the opening credit sequence and Tom Jones starts wailing about how Bond "strikes like Thunderball," whatever that means.

Do you see a problem with that? Nothing got resolved. The bad guys are still there, they're just on the ground. We never saw Bond drive away, or shoot them, or set them on fire or just do something to give us some kind of closure on the scene we just saw. We can assume he drove away, but at least give us a quip to go along with what you just did. Hell, "Goldfinger," the movie before this one has my favorite Bond one-liner ever immediately before the opening credits. It doesn't take much to put an effective stinger on a scene. This ain't difficult, people.

Um, move out of the way maybe?

The end is the worst, though. After defeating the bad guy, Bond and Domino are on a life raft for all of 30 seconds before a plane comes by to sky-hook them away and rescue them. As they fly out of the raft and into the air the music starts up and the credits start rolling. It's impossible for me to accurately convey how jarring this is. It just ends.

The best thing I can do is to ask you to imagine if in "Return of The Jedi," the Death Star blew up, everyone on Endor looked up and cheered, and the credits started rolling over the Millennium Falcon flying away from the explosion. That's what it feels like. No reunion of the characters after the fight, no funeral pyre for Darth Vader, no Luke nodding and smiling at the ghosts of his mentors and father, no final cast shot as everyone celebrates. Nope. None of that. The Death Star blew up. That's all you need to know. You see what I'm saying about winding down? It's important.

A lot of early Bond movies did this, and it's really annoying.

And as a side note, I'm pretty sure I saw Peter Lorre in there. I know Peter Lorre died a year before this movie came out, and he's not listed anywhere as being in this film, but seriously, that was him. Whoever it is, he appears at the end as this guy who just comes right the hell out of nowhere to tell Domino he defused the atomic bomb and that it won't go off now. That seems mighty nice and impressive of him since I have to assume he's just a random crew member on the boat since I have no flipping clue who he is, as I'm pretty sure he was never mentioned before. He's. Just. There. And it's a good thing, too, because Bond never does jack about the warhead. So yeah, good job, James. That's the second time in two films that you've been saved from an atomic bomb by pure luck and someone else.

So that's "Thunderball." I don't get it. I don't know why it's considered a great Bond movie, because honestly I find it more dull than "Dr. No" despite all the gadgets and zaniness.

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Thunderball" is, obviously, not a film I am a fan of. It's Connery's weakest outing, if you ask me. Honestly, I've never been able to make it through "Thunderball" in a single sitting, because I either get so bored that I need to stop it halfway and finish later, or I fall asleep. If there was a Connery Bond film I had to watch, this would be my absolute last choice.

JAMES BOND

WILL RETURN IN

"YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE"

Starship Troopers: Invasion (2012)

The "Starship Troopers" series has never been a huge draw for me. The original Paul Verhoeven camp-fest was decent in its own ways, I suppose, but it didn't bowl me over and doesn't hold much nostalgic value for me either. Of course, after seeing the sequels I look at the original in an entirely new light since it can actually be called "a movie." Calling the sequels movies is akin to calling a Hot Pocket food. You know you can eat it, and you're pretty sure it won't kill you, but calling it food seems like an overly generous technicality.

"Starship Troopers 2: Hero of The Federation" was an interesting conundrum, as the first half is some of the most unwatchable garbage I've ever seen, but the second half introduced some interesting elements that, while still not that great, was a gigantic step up from earlier. It still sucked all around, but in its defense it was a split between horrible and half-way passable.

At least the next one, "Starship Troopers 3: Marauder" was so silly and poorly acted that it was unintentionally(?) funny. I will never forget the solider who meekly says to his commander "You're a bitch" after she slaps him. That was hilarious. And of course there was the computer that kindly informs the crew "The bug is big. We have lock." This was great for a couple reasons, first because the "Big Bug" is the size of a polar ice cap, so telling us it is big seems a touch unnecessary. The second reason is that the target of the "lock" they speak of is the planet they're orbiting. I just find it funny that they needed to lock on to a planet that they literally couldn't miss so long as they vaguely pointed the nose of the ship towards it.

With this one, I wasn't holding out too much hope. But so long as "Starship Troopers: Invasion" kept the action going and didn't get too silly or campy I figured it couldn't be too bad. And it being a Japanese made CGI film at least gave it a pass in having bad acting and dialogue. All of those CGI movies from Japan have bad acting and dialogue. I'm not faulting another one for doing what all the rest did too.

"That was too close. You were almost a Carmen sandwich!"

"Starship Troopers: Invasion" did in fact have bad dialogue and bad voice acting. But hey, that's par for the course. On the other hand, it did keep the action going (maybe too much so), and the animation was decent, particularly in how expressive the faces were. For some reason this is especially so in the case of Johnny Rico, the main character from the first film. Maybe it's because he's one of the only characters who isn't essentially "The Doom Guy," and is capable of showing a range of emotions greater than grunting and contracting his trigger finger.

"Starship Troopers: Invasion" seems very much like a video game adaption to be honest. Although considering what I've seen lately, if it were a video game adaptation it'd be one of the better efforts. The story concerns a Federation base that has been overrun by bugs. A team of troopers manages to blow up the installation and rescue survivors of another team, among them Major Henry "Hero" Varro, who functions as what can roughly be called our main protagonist. Kind of. It's hard to tell with a cast of characters this big and interchangeable. It's almost like the team as a collective is the main character, which is cool since it's more realistic and sucks at the same time, since it has a tendency to make each character feel very expendable and anonymous.

Once the rescue is complete, Hero is put in charge of the team. Of course he is. His nickname is "Hero." They are then tasked with retrieving the ship John A. Warden, which has gone off the grid. On board is Carl Jenkins (Neil Patrick Harris' character from the first film), and it is suspected that he has done something exceedingly silly and dangerous, since well, he looks freaking evil.

Seriously, look at this guy. He's a Metal Gear Solid villain.

Naturally once aboard the John A. Warden things go belly-up for the team very quickly. There's not a small amount of Dead Space-type atmosphere going on, what with the exploration of a spooky derelict spacecraft and such. There isn't much time for exploration however, since as expected they soon encounter waves upon waves upon WAVES of bugs, and "Starship Troopers: Invasion" turns into something like watching over someone's shoulder as they play an arcade shooter. An entertaining arcade shooter, to be sure, but one can't overlook the fact that it is pretty wash-rinse-repeat.

Where's Calhoun when you need her?

That's the first of two significant problems with "Starship Troopers: Invasion." I won't begrudge the film for being action-packed. That's what we signed on for. The problem comes from the fact that there isn't enough variety to the action. They walk down a corridor. They see bugs coming down the hall. Someone yells "FIRE!" and makes a war face. They shoot 17,500 bullets down the hallway but they never EVER need to reload. Lots of bugs and maybe one anonymous trooper die. They continue down the hallway, or run back the way they came depending on whether or not there's too many bugs. That's most of the movie.

The second problem is that the troopers are the absolute height of anonymity. The main reason for this are the outfits they wear. In combat they all have their helmets on, which completely cover their faces. The only way to tell who you are looking at is to try and read the name stenciled on the armor, right below the neck. In addition to being difficult to read when the characters are moving, sometimes this isn't even possible since you don't always see their front, and when they are shooting they have a nasty tendency to aim their guns, which means their arms cover up the name.

"Johnson. Take point."

"I'm Anderson, sir. He's Johnson."

"Wait, you're Anderson? I thought that guy was Anderson."

"No, that guy's Hanks, sir."

"Look, somebody just take point."

"Why are you giving orders, Rodriguez? You're the APC driver."

"I'm not Rodriguez! I'm Sgt. Adams!"

"Really? I thought Adams got killed in that last hallway back there."

"No, that was Bill."

"What? Oh man, not Bill! I thought it was Adams. That guy sucks."

"HEY!"

You know, I don't even get the point of all that armor anyway. It seems to me that there was not one single instance in not only this, but every single "Starship Troopers" movie in which the soldiers' armor did anything useful. It provides about as much resistance to the bugs' claws as Reddi-Whip topping. Even the head-to-toe power armor here did absolutely nothing to help them. I'm just wondering why they would even bother. At least in "Aliens" the armor saved someone's life once. Yeah, it was the only time that proved to be the case, and the armor was toast afterwards, but the acid that hit Hicks would have straight up killed him had he not had that on. In this movie though, if a bug gets near you, you're dead. What's the point?

Now is all of this done poorly? No, it's not. It's actually done pretty well, and for a movie that could have been ripped straight from the script of any random brain-dead FPS video game, it plays it fairly realistically. This is especially true in how it handles certain plot elements and expectations you may have with a story like this, and it really likes to play with cliches. This makes it a pretty unpredictable movie in terms of who is going to make it, and has a lot of hidden realism which may seem unsatisfying until you think about it.

For instance, in the beginning of the film one of the troopers gets his arm crushed. They have to amputate it and replace it with a biotic arm. Then, on the John A. Warden, the same solider gets that same arm bitten by a bug, which then rips it off. You're thinking to yourself "Ah ha! That was lucky. I see what they did there." But here's the thing - it doesn't help him. He bleeds out and dies. At first you think to yourself "Well then what the hell was the point of the biotic arm then, if you're just going to kill him by ripping it off? It wouldn't have mattered if he had a fake arm either way!" And it irritates you until you realize that it's...just like real life. Like if you had a biotic arm which was grafted into your body and muscles and bone and nerve endings just straight up ripped out of you, you'd be in really bad shape. Guess they got me there.

Chekhov's...arm?

Another side story with Trig, the squad's sniper, seems horrendously cliche and predictable when it's first laid out. She gives some awkwardly placed backstory (but everything with the acting is pretty awkward honestly) which guarantees that you know she ain't making it to the end credits alive. And guess what? She doesn't. I don't even feel bad about spoiling that for you because there's no way you'd think she's living after the story she tells. And that's too bad because she was also one of my favorite characters. But what was interesting was what happens after she dies. Because while the resolution of that story, like the fake arm thing, seems like a total pointless let-down, it's realistic. In fact it would have been far more cliched to bring it about to the conclusion you were expecting. Once again, they got me there.

Then again, the trooper attempting to kung-fu one of the bugs plays out just about as expected. That was really funny, actually.

"No dude. I'm for real. Just Bruce Lee-backhand a bug. It'll work. Trust me."

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Starship Troopers: Invasion" isn't as bad as I feared it was going to be. Despite not starting off well, it gets better as it goes. I just wish the characters were a bit more recognizable in their armor. That's really the biggest problem I had with it. It may not be a great movie, but it's at least a hell of a lot better than the sequels. That's not saying much, true, but it's a step in the right direction.

Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

Sure. Why the hell not? I've seen all the other "Resident Evil" films. I guess I'll watch this one. But it's not like it's going to make a difference one way or the other. This will suck just like the rest.

There comes a point when watching video game movies that I just have to wonder what in the hell the people making these films are doing. It can't be that hard to make a film out of these things. Just play the damn game, write down what happens and you've got your script. Easiest thing ever, right? All the hard work is done for you. Why the makers of the "Resident Evil" films thought that the thing a horror game about crippling tension and nerve shattering atmosphere was missing was wire-fu and Milla Jovovich with super-powers is beyond me, but then again I'm not a professional. I'm just a guy who played the damn game. What do I know?

Then again, the plot to the "Resident Evil" games did get titanically stupid and impossible to follow really quick, and to be honest they kinda suck too. So I guess they've got me there. Whatever, I know how this works. Just start with the endless waves of zombies getting shot, Albert Wesker being a huge ham, me not having the slightest clue what's going on and Milla Jovovich being strategically almost naked. Let's get this over with. I've got places to be.

Okay. I'll bite. Why did they dress you in a sheet of parchment paper? What possible purpose does that serve? Keeping you warm? Or are you dressed up for Halloween as a sexy piece of loose-leaf?

We begin "Resident Evil: Retribution" with...*sigh*...okay wait. I got something to say before we go any further. You ready for this? It's the first review of 2013, and I'm already about to once again drop some funky fresh science.

It's time for "LESSONS WITH PROFESSOR PAT"

Pictured above - A man with a mustache.

LESSON #75 - "Try harder at movie titles!"

There are several ways to go about naming sequels to films. The easiest, most logical method is obviously numbering them in chronological order. This is rare. If you do this, you are awesome. Everyone knows the order of the films without any question, and they can easily discuss them without having to add qualifiers to differentiate between films. Most people end up doing this anyway, even if the movies aren't numbered (eg - People refer to "Rocky Balboa" as "Rocky 6" because it makes sense, damn it.)

If, on the other hand, you use one of the inexcusably abused and worn out verb-ish sounding nouns to throw on the end of your film's title that sound epic but ultimately mean nothing such as Revolution, Revelations, Extinction, Retribution, Salvation, Apocalypse, The Beginning, or The Revenge, you suck and need to try harder. Extraordinarily rarely do these words have anything to do with the movie they are attached to, and all it does is to make me assume right out of the gate that it will suck. If it's called "Revolution" have a damn revolution in it. If it's called "Extinction" or "Apocalypse" everything had better die at the end. "The Beginning" had better not EVER have another movie set before it. Somebody better get saved in "Salvation." And "Revelations" had damn well better reveal a LOT of stuff.

If not, you're just throwing on a cliched, dumb word at the end like a lazy bastard that doesn't care. And if you can't be bothered to even think up a decent title, what hope does the rest of the film have?

/science drop

Back to the movie. "Retribution" finds us moving backwards as the entire opening scene, where Umbrella attacks the cargo vessel Alice (Milla Jovovich) is on, is played in slow-motion reverse during the opening credits. While it's interesting seeing explosions and people being shot in that way, it gets old pretty quick and is confusing. This is especially so when get to "the end" of the scene, when it then plays the entire scene again forward at normal speed. Why they do this I have no idea. I'm sure it was just a gimmick to use for the 3D in the theaters. Glad I'm watching it on my TV in 2D. Really makes it pop.

Wow. It's like I'm right there.

After that thoroughly confusing debacle we find Alice in suburbia reenacting the opening of the remake of "Dawn of The Dead." While it's nice to see "Resident Evil" finally look like a zombie film after five freaking movies, it's clear that everything is not what it seems and it won't last, as Alice has a husband and daughter, and Rain (Michelle Rodriguez) is now alive after being dead since the first one.

Sure enough, Alice "dies" and we find out it's all a simulation or that was a clone or both or neither or something and there's a deaf kid and I have no idea what's going on here in this damn movie. Alice wakes up (strategically naked, naturally) in a white room where this disembodied voice keeps asking her questions and then hurting her with sound when she doesn't answer, but after a while they just let her go and give her leather bondage clothes which just happen to be there in a hidden compartment in the white room for some reason. I guess it's for the same reason the scientists in "Underworld Awakening" kept Kate Beckinsale's clothes right next to her tube even though they never intended to release her. Ever. Whatever. Alice then shoots zombies.

Lots of zombies.

It's all another simulation, of course. Kind of. Not really. Alice is actually in an underwater Umbrella facility in the Arctic which was made to showcase...something? Wesker's hologram explains at one point that it was made to play the world's superpowers off against each other, as there are several "stages" including Moscow and Suburbia USA and Tokyo, which are meant to show how effective a zombie outbreak would be in totally wrecking the place in the hopes that country would then buy the virus from them. Personally I think that seems like a colossal waste of time and money to spend on a huge facility which exists only to make probably about as much money as it cost to make the damn thing in the first place. Also, correct me if I'm wrong but didn't Umbrella just release the virus anyway?

And another thing. Why does an EEEEEEEVAL corporation like Umbrella, which is seemingly bent on destroying the world at all interested in money? They've killed nearly everyone on Earth. Who's there to control with that money and power? It's like stockpiling devices that will place pandas under your command and calling yourself Supreme Master of The Panda Empire. There's less than 2,000 of them left on the planet. Who cares?

Out of nowhere we get characters from the games appearing to infiltrate the base and I think rescue Alice. I'm not sure, actually. My memory for these movies is so bad, and I'm so lost as to the plot that I can't even remember if characters like Barry and Leon and Ada were even in the other films. And frankly I don't care. Whatever. Zombies carry guns now, there's a really big monster chasing them, Barry has an annoying face and Leon looks like one of the nihilists from "The Big Lebowski."

God, I wish I was watching "Logjammin'" right now.

It's really amazing that I have absolutely no idea what's going on when every single line of dialogue in this movie is exposition. It's not enough to show us anything, because we don't know what anything is here. No, everything needs to be explained to us as well, by characters who already know what they're looking at and would never need to say anything about it. And yet, despite all of that clunky dialogue, it's still a useless nightmare piecing anything together. It's a testament to how insanely convoluted this plot is, and how intimate your knowledge of these games with even more convoluted plots needs to be in order to understand anything. It reminded me of "The Last Airbender" in that way.

It's really best to not even better with making sense of anything. Just watch Milla and a bunch of other dudes with big guns shoot things. And does "Retribution" do that well? I guess so. It's nothing overly special but I can't say it didn't deliver in terms of making the heads of various things explode with bullets. So I guess in those terms you can't call it a total wash.

It also feels more like an actual video game than the other films did as the base feels like a variety of stages to get through, which while normally a point in a video game movie's favor is something of a detriment since it really drives home the point that there really isn't much holding this thing together besides advancing to "the next level." On the other hand, the end feels like a movie since it is purely Hollywood sequel-baiting. I love how movies like this can never have a self-contained ending.

Take all that for what it's worth. If you want a bunch of zombies getting shot up, sure. Watch "Resident Evil: Retribution." There's so much better movies for that, though. Right off the top of my head I could say "28 Weeks Later." However, that film didn't have a scene were Milla Jovovich has to show Michelle Rodriguez how to use a gun. That was pathetically funny. Michelle could be armed with a banana and come off as more of a hardass than Milla could.

Also, someone needs to tell Milla to work on her upper body strength so those guns don't shake when she lifts them. Come on.

And who the hell got any Retribution in this thing? It should have been called "Resident Evil: Escape." THAT would have made some sense.

THE BOTTOM LINE - There aren't too many positive things I have to say about "Resident Evil: Retribution" except to say that it's better than the second and third films. It's got some decent action, the sets are sometimes creative and neat, and there's some interesting visual designs going on with the settings. Other than that it's just a forgettable action movie with characters impossible to care about. Unless you're a big fan of the others, in which case it will probably be decently entertaining.

My Favorite Entries of 2012

Favorite Entries

I felt that it would be fun to go back and highlight my personal favorite entries of 2012. I thought most were pretty good, some not so much, but a few I found myself exceptionally proud of. In no particular order, here they are!

Snow White & The Huntsman
I really liked how concise I was in getting to the root of why this film bugged me. I felt my analysis of why Snow White as a character does nothing worth calling her a savior figure, let alone the title character was well done, and I always enjoy whenever I can really deconstruct a film from an intellectual standpoint. And to be honest I can't recall hearing anyone else bringing a lot of these points up.

Overall I think this is objectively my best written "review" of the year as it were, and I had fun writing it. It's just a lot more fun to talk about the inner workings of the plot and character motivations than simply trashing Kristen Stewart over and over again. Although that is therapeutic, I'm not going to lie.

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies
This was a pretty solid entry by itself, as it had a reasonable review of the film which focused more on how well it accomplished what it set out to do rather than saying "It was a cheap knockoff so it sucked" like most people would. But the big thing that made this entry memorable was the fact that Bill Oberst Jr. himself, the actor who played Lincoln in the film, left a very nice comment on it and even linked it on his Twitter, which got me a good number of views. Not too long after that David Harland Rousseau, the 2nd AD also left a comment in which he even gave a little behind-the-scenes info that was really cool to hear. This blew my damn mind.

I can't tell you have exciting it was to have the star of the movie you just wrote about in your tiny, insignificant blog not only read it, but was so nice as to leave a comment on it. I'm still stunned when I think about it. Bill Oberst Jr. is a class act, not only from that but also from interviews I've listened to. He's not only a very good actor, but he seems like a really cool dude, and I can only assume that he stumbles across my blog every once in a while, since he left another very nice comment on "Lincoln." I can't tell you how big of a smile that puts on my face. That's freaking awesome. I can't wait to see Bill show up on my TV screen again.

The Room
I love how dramatic I made the lead in to this one. It was so over-the-top and epic over something that is just this silly movie that manages to be so pathetic that it's hilarious. That's all it is. It's just an exceptionally bad movie. But I led into that like it was a summoning of Yog-Sothoth or something. It's also one of my funnier entries, I think. It cracked me up anyway, and I had a lot of fun with the pictures. Any time I can use the "You are tearing me apart, Lisa!" picture twice is a good time. And even I must admit that was a pretty good "Silence of The Lambs" reference in there.

Hugo
One of my favorite things that I've done in any entry this year was to take the dozen most significant characters in this film and one by one explain what, if anything, they had to do with the plot. All but three of them were shown to be absolutely unnecessary to the story. I defy anyone to explain to me why this film deserved 5 Oscars. I mean, besides the fact that now they're terrified not to give Scorsese every one they can possibly give him since they feel bad that he went so long without them. Enjoy your pity Oscars, Martin. You sure earned it.

American Warships
I love running gags, and the "How Many Carl Weathers References Can I Make" game I thought was a stroke of near genius. I love Carl, and it was so much fun (and surprisingly easy) to make joke after joke about other movies he's been in. But then again, I can fit a "Predator" line into any conversation given enough time. It's a talent. But I was also very pleased with the "Arrested Development" joke I got in there. This was a fun entry. Good times.

ATM
This was a great example of what happens when I'm unleashed on a crap movie. Tearing this one apart was actually somewhat difficult and annoying to do, not because it was a good movie but because "ATM" had made me so mad so often that I didn't even know what to say half the time besides I HATE THIS MOVIE, and I was resistant to even think back on it to remember what had happened. I think I made it into a pretty entertaining read, though.

Man On A Ledge
Like "ATM," this is a good example of what goes through my mind when watching a movie. Read all those rambling questions that I had for it at the end. That's just a small percentage of what goes on inside this stupid, nitpicky brain of mine all the time. I can't help it. And yes, it does ruin many a film you could label as "brainless entertainment" for me, unless it stars Bruce Campbell or something. And yes, it can be annoying but I actually find it fun to tear apart garbage like "Man On A Ledge." And hey, I thought the entry was pretty funny, too. Terrible film, however.

Lockout
Another fun entry I cracked myself up with fairly consistently. My favorite part is the section where I dissect the prisoner escape scene step by step to show why everything about it and the film is absolutely ludicrous. Also, the phrase "Odin's Mighty Butthole" is glorious. That's all me. That's a Pat Jackson original. I'm quite proud.

You know, I just thought of something. Why do they call it "Lockout?" What does that even mean in context to the film?

Poltergeist
Just a really good entry throwing down a pretty solid case as to the problems I have with a film considered by most to be a stone-cold classic. Also, I fit in a fantastic "Predator" reference, and the most obscure nod to MST3K ever. Seriously, I don't know how anyone could catch the MST3K joke. (And it's not the picture I have down below, either.)

Kung Pow! Enter The Fist
This was one of the easiest entries to write, and I love when that happens. "Kung Pow!" Is one of my favorite comedies, and writing a love letter to it was so natural I barely had to think about it. This one puts a smile on my face. I also love the whole introduction where I'm writing like I am completely ashamed for loving it, and my credibility is going to shoot completely to hell, but I just can't bring myself to lie. A good bit of writing, I thought.

Dressing Women In Armor
The first in what I'm hoping to turn into a series of rants about various things that I find worth talking about in film. This one was unsurprisingly inspired by "Snow White & The Huntsman." I took a long time with writing this one, as I felt I needed to be very careful with the language I chose out of fear of being misinterpreted, and I think it paid off because I think it's a well reasoned point. I've got a few more ideas for rants on the back-burner already, and I hope to turn it into a semi-regular thing.

Favorite Captions

One of my favorite aspects of writing this blog are the picture captions. I initially got the idea from Cracked.com and Spoony's written reviews, and I think it really does a lot for the flow of the entry and the humor I try to inject. Sometimes it works better than others, and sometimes I crack myself the hell up. Again in no particular order, these are my favorite picture caption jokes of 2012!

Abduction - Poor George Lazenby

Relationships in spy movies ALWAYS end well.

Possibly the most obscure reference I made this year. What? You don't remember the end of "On Her Majesty's Secret Service?"

Anonymous - Nicolas Cage does Shakespeare

"To be or NOT THE BEES! AAAAAAHHHH!!!"

I am SO proud of this one, you guys. I can't believe I've never heard anyone else make this joke because it's freaking golden.

Session 9 - CSI: Danvers

"Looks like I'm fighting...the institution."

This is a twofer, since the real punchline is the YEEEEAH! at the bottom. I do love a good "CSI: Miami" stinger. By the way, that is the actual hospital the movie was filmed at. And yes, I'd watch the hell out of "CSI: Danvers."

Immortals - Stephen Doriff's war face

If you stuck a ferret in a bag of garbage and swung it over your head for 20 minutes, then opened up the bag, this is what you would see looking out at you.

Of all the captions that I've cracked myself up with, this is hands down my favorite. I giggle like an idiot every damn time.

The Adventures of Tin Tin - Taking one for the team

"Please, Captain. I know your liver is the size of a boogie board and the consistency of a used grease rag, but for the good of the plot and sake of the world, we need you to shotgun that last sixer of Pabst..."

The runner-up for making myself laugh. I love how it quickly turns from heroic to the lowest of brows. The look of terror on his face is also great. I also just love the phrase "sixer of Pabst." Classy.

Casablanca - Bogey smokes with science

"You know, Paul, I'm actually smoking 3 cigarettes right now. I've discovered Quantum Smoking."

I have no idea if I used the term "quantum" in anything close to an applicable way here, but it's still funny. I'm just imagining Bogey using science to smoke every cigarette in the world at once.

Poltergeist - Kevin Bacon's tour de force

Kevin Bacon IS JoBeth Williams as Sally Field in "Sybil 2: The Reckoning"

This is a reference to my undying love for "Mystery Science Theater 3000." And she does look like Kevin Bacon in drag.

Lockout - Guy likes apples

"Uh...something witty...um...how do ya like THEM apples...supplements...damn it, CUT! Gimme a minute...damn it...apples...come on, Guy, THINK!"

Ever wonder what would happen if a smarmy, annoying, overly sarcastic action hero ever stumbled over one of his endless one-liners? I do. This is probably what would happen to me if I tried it.

ATM - Ice fishin' wid' da guys

"Jerry, I don't see nothin'!"

"No, jus' kip lookin' dare. Does'r'sum noice crappies right in dare."

"Oh yah, Jerry, now I sees 'em. Oh yah, dem's good eatin's."

You see, the joke is that it looks like a photo of a Yooper sticking his head in an ice fishing hole to look for fish while his buddy, Jerry, points them out to him. But it's really a photo of a guy about to bash another person's head in with a tire iron. That's just good comedy.

Black Death - Sean Bean holds the record

He is the only man to have been shot in the face by Batman through a book of Yeats poetry. So far.

It's true, you know.

Dredd - Possibly the nerdiest reference I've ever made

"I'm Queen Cersei! I'M QUEEN CERSEI!!!!!"

I merged "Game of Thrones," "Dredd," and the original series of "Star Trek." I win at nerd. The scary part is that were Cersei to actually split into two people like in the episode "The Enemy Within" where that happens to Kirk, Ma-Ma would be a pretty accurate portrayal of her evil side.

Skyfall - Adele is bad at pronouncing things

 Pro-tip for Adele: It's pronounced "Sky Fall." Not "Sky Fwallrrr"

Figuring out how to phonetically convey the irritating way that Adele pronounces certain words was quite difficult, but I think I did pretty good. I really can't stand her, though. Seriously, anybody else doing the song and it would have been awesome.

Dr. No - The doctor is needed in ICU

"Paging Dr. Crotchpound...you have an outside call on line 3. Dr. Crotchpound...line 3."

Thinking up horrendously over-the-top sexual metaphors for Bond girl names is actually pretty difficult. I settled on "Dr. Crotchpound" after "Dr. Quicklube" seemed too subtle.


So there you go. My favorite things in my blog of 2012. May 2013 be even more productive and hopefully funnier! I'll try my best! On the menu for this year will be more rants, more bad jokes, possibly a new series I'm thinking about where I stick up for movies everyone hates but I love, and more trilogies including the entire Bond filmography. And of course, as many movies as I can get my hands on. It's going to be a good year! EXCELSIOR!