My Favorite Entries of 2012

Favorite Entries

I felt that it would be fun to go back and highlight my personal favorite entries of 2012. I thought most were pretty good, some not so much, but a few I found myself exceptionally proud of. In no particular order, here they are!

Snow White & The Huntsman
I really liked how concise I was in getting to the root of why this film bugged me. I felt my analysis of why Snow White as a character does nothing worth calling her a savior figure, let alone the title character was well done, and I always enjoy whenever I can really deconstruct a film from an intellectual standpoint. And to be honest I can't recall hearing anyone else bringing a lot of these points up.

Overall I think this is objectively my best written "review" of the year as it were, and I had fun writing it. It's just a lot more fun to talk about the inner workings of the plot and character motivations than simply trashing Kristen Stewart over and over again. Although that is therapeutic, I'm not going to lie.

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies
This was a pretty solid entry by itself, as it had a reasonable review of the film which focused more on how well it accomplished what it set out to do rather than saying "It was a cheap knockoff so it sucked" like most people would. But the big thing that made this entry memorable was the fact that Bill Oberst Jr. himself, the actor who played Lincoln in the film, left a very nice comment on it and even linked it on his Twitter, which got me a good number of views. Not too long after that David Harland Rousseau, the 2nd AD also left a comment in which he even gave a little behind-the-scenes info that was really cool to hear. This blew my damn mind.

I can't tell you have exciting it was to have the star of the movie you just wrote about in your tiny, insignificant blog not only read it, but was so nice as to leave a comment on it. I'm still stunned when I think about it. Bill Oberst Jr. is a class act, not only from that but also from interviews I've listened to. He's not only a very good actor, but he seems like a really cool dude, and I can only assume that he stumbles across my blog every once in a while, since he left another very nice comment on "Lincoln." I can't tell you how big of a smile that puts on my face. That's freaking awesome. I can't wait to see Bill show up on my TV screen again.

The Room
I love how dramatic I made the lead in to this one. It was so over-the-top and epic over something that is just this silly movie that manages to be so pathetic that it's hilarious. That's all it is. It's just an exceptionally bad movie. But I led into that like it was a summoning of Yog-Sothoth or something. It's also one of my funnier entries, I think. It cracked me up anyway, and I had a lot of fun with the pictures. Any time I can use the "You are tearing me apart, Lisa!" picture twice is a good time. And even I must admit that was a pretty good "Silence of The Lambs" reference in there.

Hugo
One of my favorite things that I've done in any entry this year was to take the dozen most significant characters in this film and one by one explain what, if anything, they had to do with the plot. All but three of them were shown to be absolutely unnecessary to the story. I defy anyone to explain to me why this film deserved 5 Oscars. I mean, besides the fact that now they're terrified not to give Scorsese every one they can possibly give him since they feel bad that he went so long without them. Enjoy your pity Oscars, Martin. You sure earned it.

American Warships
I love running gags, and the "How Many Carl Weathers References Can I Make" game I thought was a stroke of near genius. I love Carl, and it was so much fun (and surprisingly easy) to make joke after joke about other movies he's been in. But then again, I can fit a "Predator" line into any conversation given enough time. It's a talent. But I was also very pleased with the "Arrested Development" joke I got in there. This was a fun entry. Good times.

ATM
This was a great example of what happens when I'm unleashed on a crap movie. Tearing this one apart was actually somewhat difficult and annoying to do, not because it was a good movie but because "ATM" had made me so mad so often that I didn't even know what to say half the time besides I HATE THIS MOVIE, and I was resistant to even think back on it to remember what had happened. I think I made it into a pretty entertaining read, though.

Man On A Ledge
Like "ATM," this is a good example of what goes through my mind when watching a movie. Read all those rambling questions that I had for it at the end. That's just a small percentage of what goes on inside this stupid, nitpicky brain of mine all the time. I can't help it. And yes, it does ruin many a film you could label as "brainless entertainment" for me, unless it stars Bruce Campbell or something. And yes, it can be annoying but I actually find it fun to tear apart garbage like "Man On A Ledge." And hey, I thought the entry was pretty funny, too. Terrible film, however.

Lockout
Another fun entry I cracked myself up with fairly consistently. My favorite part is the section where I dissect the prisoner escape scene step by step to show why everything about it and the film is absolutely ludicrous. Also, the phrase "Odin's Mighty Butthole" is glorious. That's all me. That's a Pat Jackson original. I'm quite proud.

You know, I just thought of something. Why do they call it "Lockout?" What does that even mean in context to the film?

Poltergeist
Just a really good entry throwing down a pretty solid case as to the problems I have with a film considered by most to be a stone-cold classic. Also, I fit in a fantastic "Predator" reference, and the most obscure nod to MST3K ever. Seriously, I don't know how anyone could catch the MST3K joke. (And it's not the picture I have down below, either.)

Kung Pow! Enter The Fist
This was one of the easiest entries to write, and I love when that happens. "Kung Pow!" Is one of my favorite comedies, and writing a love letter to it was so natural I barely had to think about it. This one puts a smile on my face. I also love the whole introduction where I'm writing like I am completely ashamed for loving it, and my credibility is going to shoot completely to hell, but I just can't bring myself to lie. A good bit of writing, I thought.

Dressing Women In Armor
The first in what I'm hoping to turn into a series of rants about various things that I find worth talking about in film. This one was unsurprisingly inspired by "Snow White & The Huntsman." I took a long time with writing this one, as I felt I needed to be very careful with the language I chose out of fear of being misinterpreted, and I think it paid off because I think it's a well reasoned point. I've got a few more ideas for rants on the back-burner already, and I hope to turn it into a semi-regular thing.

Favorite Captions

One of my favorite aspects of writing this blog are the picture captions. I initially got the idea from Cracked.com and Spoony's written reviews, and I think it really does a lot for the flow of the entry and the humor I try to inject. Sometimes it works better than others, and sometimes I crack myself the hell up. Again in no particular order, these are my favorite picture caption jokes of 2012!

Abduction - Poor George Lazenby

Relationships in spy movies ALWAYS end well.

Possibly the most obscure reference I made this year. What? You don't remember the end of "On Her Majesty's Secret Service?"

Anonymous - Nicolas Cage does Shakespeare

"To be or NOT THE BEES! AAAAAAHHHH!!!"

I am SO proud of this one, you guys. I can't believe I've never heard anyone else make this joke because it's freaking golden.

Session 9 - CSI: Danvers

"Looks like I'm fighting...the institution."

This is a twofer, since the real punchline is the YEEEEAH! at the bottom. I do love a good "CSI: Miami" stinger. By the way, that is the actual hospital the movie was filmed at. And yes, I'd watch the hell out of "CSI: Danvers."

Immortals - Stephen Doriff's war face

If you stuck a ferret in a bag of garbage and swung it over your head for 20 minutes, then opened up the bag, this is what you would see looking out at you.

Of all the captions that I've cracked myself up with, this is hands down my favorite. I giggle like an idiot every damn time.

The Adventures of Tin Tin - Taking one for the team

"Please, Captain. I know your liver is the size of a boogie board and the consistency of a used grease rag, but for the good of the plot and sake of the world, we need you to shotgun that last sixer of Pabst..."

The runner-up for making myself laugh. I love how it quickly turns from heroic to the lowest of brows. The look of terror on his face is also great. I also just love the phrase "sixer of Pabst." Classy.

Casablanca - Bogey smokes with science

"You know, Paul, I'm actually smoking 3 cigarettes right now. I've discovered Quantum Smoking."

I have no idea if I used the term "quantum" in anything close to an applicable way here, but it's still funny. I'm just imagining Bogey using science to smoke every cigarette in the world at once.

Poltergeist - Kevin Bacon's tour de force

Kevin Bacon IS JoBeth Williams as Sally Field in "Sybil 2: The Reckoning"

This is a reference to my undying love for "Mystery Science Theater 3000." And she does look like Kevin Bacon in drag.

Lockout - Guy likes apples

"Uh...something witty...um...how do ya like THEM apples...supplements...damn it, CUT! Gimme a minute...damn it...apples...come on, Guy, THINK!"

Ever wonder what would happen if a smarmy, annoying, overly sarcastic action hero ever stumbled over one of his endless one-liners? I do. This is probably what would happen to me if I tried it.

ATM - Ice fishin' wid' da guys

"Jerry, I don't see nothin'!"

"No, jus' kip lookin' dare. Does'r'sum noice crappies right in dare."

"Oh yah, Jerry, now I sees 'em. Oh yah, dem's good eatin's."

You see, the joke is that it looks like a photo of a Yooper sticking his head in an ice fishing hole to look for fish while his buddy, Jerry, points them out to him. But it's really a photo of a guy about to bash another person's head in with a tire iron. That's just good comedy.

Black Death - Sean Bean holds the record

He is the only man to have been shot in the face by Batman through a book of Yeats poetry. So far.

It's true, you know.

Dredd - Possibly the nerdiest reference I've ever made

"I'm Queen Cersei! I'M QUEEN CERSEI!!!!!"

I merged "Game of Thrones," "Dredd," and the original series of "Star Trek." I win at nerd. The scary part is that were Cersei to actually split into two people like in the episode "The Enemy Within" where that happens to Kirk, Ma-Ma would be a pretty accurate portrayal of her evil side.

Skyfall - Adele is bad at pronouncing things

 Pro-tip for Adele: It's pronounced "Sky Fall." Not "Sky Fwallrrr"

Figuring out how to phonetically convey the irritating way that Adele pronounces certain words was quite difficult, but I think I did pretty good. I really can't stand her, though. Seriously, anybody else doing the song and it would have been awesome.

Dr. No - The doctor is needed in ICU

"Paging Dr. Crotchpound...you have an outside call on line 3. Dr. Crotchpound...line 3."

Thinking up horrendously over-the-top sexual metaphors for Bond girl names is actually pretty difficult. I settled on "Dr. Crotchpound" after "Dr. Quicklube" seemed too subtle.


So there you go. My favorite things in my blog of 2012. May 2013 be even more productive and hopefully funnier! I'll try my best! On the menu for this year will be more rants, more bad jokes, possibly a new series I'm thinking about where I stick up for movies everyone hates but I love, and more trilogies including the entire Bond filmography. And of course, as many movies as I can get my hands on. It's going to be a good year! EXCELSIOR!

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012)

Oh goodness. Is it Asylum time again? So soon? At this rate you people will start to think I'll watch anything! And while that is usually true, I do have standards. As awfully entertaining as these movies can be, or at least the thought of these movies can be, I have to be in the mood for The Asylum. About 97% of the time I'm watching a movie by myself, which can get lonely after a while. And most of the time I just don't want to watch these things alone. Otherwise I just feel...kind of dirty and wonder what it is exactly I'm doing with my life.

I mean, it's not a very confidence building occasion to answer the question "What did you do last night?" with the answer "I watched a low budget, SciFi Channel caliber movie you've never heard of starring nobody you've ever seen which was itself a knockoff of a movie that isn't even out yet. No, I didn't have a date. What kind of stupid question is that? I was busy watching Abraham Lincoln kill zombies with a scythe."

If I had one, my eHarmony profile would be as deserted as a Kris Kross reunion concert.

Fortunately, this time I was not alone. I brought friends along for the ride on this one. It was a good call, because "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies" is a movie that increases in enjoyment the more people you have watching it with you.

I was made aware of "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies" from Brad Jones of The Cinema Snob. Well, not personally of course. I don't know the gentleman, much to my sorrow. He gave it a glowing endorsement which I held in fairly high regard, and it seemed like a great time. While there's been plenty of occasions where I've strongly disagreed with Brad on movies, he knows what he's talking about, and usually puts up a fairly strong case for any opinion he has.

But in this case, it seems to me that "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies" can speak for itself. I mean, just look at this majesty. This...this is awesome.

"Four score and 7 headshots ago..."

And in a case of a bit of serendipitous luck, "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies" was thankfully nearly as awesome as it seemed. Nearly. While overall it is still a low budget Asylum flick, it still possesses some obscenely over the top weirdness that tends to leave the viewer in a state of perpetual "Are they seriously going there?" And it is pretty glorious thing which is a key element of enjoying "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies," which is to really just sit back and enjoy the absurdity.

The setup for "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies" is that when he was a child, Lincoln was forced to kill his parents during a zombie outbreak, leaving him as the only survivor of his town. Then, during the Civil War, strange stories of southern troops eating the flesh of people in a fort off the Mississippi River start to emerge. Everyone thinks it's bogus, but of course Lincoln knows exactly what's going on. So armed with his trusty scythe and his Secret Service, the President himself goes to the fort to settle things before it's too late. The President is going out to kick some zombie ass.

One, please.

In all honesty, the whole zombie thing is probably the least interesting part of the movie, shocking as that is to say. The brutally honest truth is that the zombies are overall only partly convincing. This is mostly to do with the fact that the zombies all move absurdly slow, even for "Night of The Living Dead" style zombies. They also have this cosmically stupid thing where it appears that they sleep. I really have no answer for it, I'm pretty sure Lincoln said they were sleeping at one point, but it's really confusing. They sleep standing up, just kind of frozen where they were, but the crazy part is that the zombies in this movie move so slowly that it's hard to tell if they were supposed to be asleep or not.

So yeah, the action...not so great. Although it was considerate of the zombies to all just stand there and not do anything while the heroes ran through their ranks obliterating them time and time again.

That's not to say that "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies" isn't worth seeing, because it is, and the reason is threefold. The first is that the guy playing Lincoln, Bill Oberst Jr., is actually an incredibly convincing 16th President of the United States. Seriously, he could be Lincoln in an actual legitimate drama and do a great job, which isn't hard to imagine because out of everyone in the cast, Obert Jr. is playing it the straightest out of anyone there.

More American Presidents need a personal bladed weapon of choice.

This is a role which could have been hammed up to shreds. He's got one liners, he's quoting from his historical speeches except in this ridiculous scenario, he's shooting infected people in the head while his staff incredulously exclaim "Mister PRESIDENT!" and he's beheading zombies while grunting "Emancipate THIS!" It's all very surreal. The amazing thing is that there's not a single point in the entire film where Oberst Jr. does not maintain a firm grasp on his dignity. And the end of the film has him face his destiny with what can almost be called a heartbreaking emotional scene. It really is an amazing performance, especially for an Asylum movie.

The second reason is Jason Vail playing one of Lincoln's Secret Service, John Wilkinson. There's a twist going on with him that observant viewers will probably spot not too far into the film, but despite that he is a blast to watch. Wilkinson has some of the funniest moments in the film, including a "that's so racist that it is hysterical" line which brought me and my friends close to tears, and hams it all up to an outstanding degree. Whereas Oberst Jr. always played it straight, Vail has moments of pure scene-chewing madness that come off like Snidely Whiplash doing Hamlet.

Oh, by the way, they totally steal a scene from Hamlet. You ready for the crazy part? It 100% works in context.

Mind = blown

And finally, somewhat fitting in with Vail's character is the third reason to see "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies," which is the inclusion of historical figures. Now, this is something the movie does that will either be some of the most fun you get out of it, or this will completely annihilate it. I'm reluctant to spoil anything about it, because when the people and names fly at you, it's a wonderful experience sitting back saying "Wait...what? Did they say that's...seriously? They're going there? That...that...that's so dumb. Buh...wha...huh?"

And then you start laughing. It's great. Just be on the lookout for some pretty outlandish historical cameos and dubious origins for famous quotations.

I have to hand it to the Asylum. I think this may be one of the best movies they've ever done. Probably in the top 3.

THE BOTTOM LINE - This movie could almost be recommended to people who didn't know about The Asylum. Almost. It's still low budget, it starts to drag a bit by the end, and the action isn't great. That being said, it's a hell of a lot of fun. Get friends together and have a blast. Recommended.