My Favorite Entries of 2012

Favorite Entries

I felt that it would be fun to go back and highlight my personal favorite entries of 2012. I thought most were pretty good, some not so much, but a few I found myself exceptionally proud of. In no particular order, here they are!

Snow White & The Huntsman
I really liked how concise I was in getting to the root of why this film bugged me. I felt my analysis of why Snow White as a character does nothing worth calling her a savior figure, let alone the title character was well done, and I always enjoy whenever I can really deconstruct a film from an intellectual standpoint. And to be honest I can't recall hearing anyone else bringing a lot of these points up.

Overall I think this is objectively my best written "review" of the year as it were, and I had fun writing it. It's just a lot more fun to talk about the inner workings of the plot and character motivations than simply trashing Kristen Stewart over and over again. Although that is therapeutic, I'm not going to lie.

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies
This was a pretty solid entry by itself, as it had a reasonable review of the film which focused more on how well it accomplished what it set out to do rather than saying "It was a cheap knockoff so it sucked" like most people would. But the big thing that made this entry memorable was the fact that Bill Oberst Jr. himself, the actor who played Lincoln in the film, left a very nice comment on it and even linked it on his Twitter, which got me a good number of views. Not too long after that David Harland Rousseau, the 2nd AD also left a comment in which he even gave a little behind-the-scenes info that was really cool to hear. This blew my damn mind.

I can't tell you have exciting it was to have the star of the movie you just wrote about in your tiny, insignificant blog not only read it, but was so nice as to leave a comment on it. I'm still stunned when I think about it. Bill Oberst Jr. is a class act, not only from that but also from interviews I've listened to. He's not only a very good actor, but he seems like a really cool dude, and I can only assume that he stumbles across my blog every once in a while, since he left another very nice comment on "Lincoln." I can't tell you how big of a smile that puts on my face. That's freaking awesome. I can't wait to see Bill show up on my TV screen again.

The Room
I love how dramatic I made the lead in to this one. It was so over-the-top and epic over something that is just this silly movie that manages to be so pathetic that it's hilarious. That's all it is. It's just an exceptionally bad movie. But I led into that like it was a summoning of Yog-Sothoth or something. It's also one of my funnier entries, I think. It cracked me up anyway, and I had a lot of fun with the pictures. Any time I can use the "You are tearing me apart, Lisa!" picture twice is a good time. And even I must admit that was a pretty good "Silence of The Lambs" reference in there.

Hugo
One of my favorite things that I've done in any entry this year was to take the dozen most significant characters in this film and one by one explain what, if anything, they had to do with the plot. All but three of them were shown to be absolutely unnecessary to the story. I defy anyone to explain to me why this film deserved 5 Oscars. I mean, besides the fact that now they're terrified not to give Scorsese every one they can possibly give him since they feel bad that he went so long without them. Enjoy your pity Oscars, Martin. You sure earned it.

American Warships
I love running gags, and the "How Many Carl Weathers References Can I Make" game I thought was a stroke of near genius. I love Carl, and it was so much fun (and surprisingly easy) to make joke after joke about other movies he's been in. But then again, I can fit a "Predator" line into any conversation given enough time. It's a talent. But I was also very pleased with the "Arrested Development" joke I got in there. This was a fun entry. Good times.

ATM
This was a great example of what happens when I'm unleashed on a crap movie. Tearing this one apart was actually somewhat difficult and annoying to do, not because it was a good movie but because "ATM" had made me so mad so often that I didn't even know what to say half the time besides I HATE THIS MOVIE, and I was resistant to even think back on it to remember what had happened. I think I made it into a pretty entertaining read, though.

Man On A Ledge
Like "ATM," this is a good example of what goes through my mind when watching a movie. Read all those rambling questions that I had for it at the end. That's just a small percentage of what goes on inside this stupid, nitpicky brain of mine all the time. I can't help it. And yes, it does ruin many a film you could label as "brainless entertainment" for me, unless it stars Bruce Campbell or something. And yes, it can be annoying but I actually find it fun to tear apart garbage like "Man On A Ledge." And hey, I thought the entry was pretty funny, too. Terrible film, however.

Lockout
Another fun entry I cracked myself up with fairly consistently. My favorite part is the section where I dissect the prisoner escape scene step by step to show why everything about it and the film is absolutely ludicrous. Also, the phrase "Odin's Mighty Butthole" is glorious. That's all me. That's a Pat Jackson original. I'm quite proud.

You know, I just thought of something. Why do they call it "Lockout?" What does that even mean in context to the film?

Poltergeist
Just a really good entry throwing down a pretty solid case as to the problems I have with a film considered by most to be a stone-cold classic. Also, I fit in a fantastic "Predator" reference, and the most obscure nod to MST3K ever. Seriously, I don't know how anyone could catch the MST3K joke. (And it's not the picture I have down below, either.)

Kung Pow! Enter The Fist
This was one of the easiest entries to write, and I love when that happens. "Kung Pow!" Is one of my favorite comedies, and writing a love letter to it was so natural I barely had to think about it. This one puts a smile on my face. I also love the whole introduction where I'm writing like I am completely ashamed for loving it, and my credibility is going to shoot completely to hell, but I just can't bring myself to lie. A good bit of writing, I thought.

Dressing Women In Armor
The first in what I'm hoping to turn into a series of rants about various things that I find worth talking about in film. This one was unsurprisingly inspired by "Snow White & The Huntsman." I took a long time with writing this one, as I felt I needed to be very careful with the language I chose out of fear of being misinterpreted, and I think it paid off because I think it's a well reasoned point. I've got a few more ideas for rants on the back-burner already, and I hope to turn it into a semi-regular thing.

Favorite Captions

One of my favorite aspects of writing this blog are the picture captions. I initially got the idea from Cracked.com and Spoony's written reviews, and I think it really does a lot for the flow of the entry and the humor I try to inject. Sometimes it works better than others, and sometimes I crack myself the hell up. Again in no particular order, these are my favorite picture caption jokes of 2012!

Abduction - Poor George Lazenby

Relationships in spy movies ALWAYS end well.

Possibly the most obscure reference I made this year. What? You don't remember the end of "On Her Majesty's Secret Service?"

Anonymous - Nicolas Cage does Shakespeare

"To be or NOT THE BEES! AAAAAAHHHH!!!"

I am SO proud of this one, you guys. I can't believe I've never heard anyone else make this joke because it's freaking golden.

Session 9 - CSI: Danvers

"Looks like I'm fighting...the institution."

This is a twofer, since the real punchline is the YEEEEAH! at the bottom. I do love a good "CSI: Miami" stinger. By the way, that is the actual hospital the movie was filmed at. And yes, I'd watch the hell out of "CSI: Danvers."

Immortals - Stephen Doriff's war face

If you stuck a ferret in a bag of garbage and swung it over your head for 20 minutes, then opened up the bag, this is what you would see looking out at you.

Of all the captions that I've cracked myself up with, this is hands down my favorite. I giggle like an idiot every damn time.

The Adventures of Tin Tin - Taking one for the team

"Please, Captain. I know your liver is the size of a boogie board and the consistency of a used grease rag, but for the good of the plot and sake of the world, we need you to shotgun that last sixer of Pabst..."

The runner-up for making myself laugh. I love how it quickly turns from heroic to the lowest of brows. The look of terror on his face is also great. I also just love the phrase "sixer of Pabst." Classy.

Casablanca - Bogey smokes with science

"You know, Paul, I'm actually smoking 3 cigarettes right now. I've discovered Quantum Smoking."

I have no idea if I used the term "quantum" in anything close to an applicable way here, but it's still funny. I'm just imagining Bogey using science to smoke every cigarette in the world at once.

Poltergeist - Kevin Bacon's tour de force

Kevin Bacon IS JoBeth Williams as Sally Field in "Sybil 2: The Reckoning"

This is a reference to my undying love for "Mystery Science Theater 3000." And she does look like Kevin Bacon in drag.

Lockout - Guy likes apples

"Uh...something witty...um...how do ya like THEM apples...supplements...damn it, CUT! Gimme a minute...damn it...apples...come on, Guy, THINK!"

Ever wonder what would happen if a smarmy, annoying, overly sarcastic action hero ever stumbled over one of his endless one-liners? I do. This is probably what would happen to me if I tried it.

ATM - Ice fishin' wid' da guys

"Jerry, I don't see nothin'!"

"No, jus' kip lookin' dare. Does'r'sum noice crappies right in dare."

"Oh yah, Jerry, now I sees 'em. Oh yah, dem's good eatin's."

You see, the joke is that it looks like a photo of a Yooper sticking his head in an ice fishing hole to look for fish while his buddy, Jerry, points them out to him. But it's really a photo of a guy about to bash another person's head in with a tire iron. That's just good comedy.

Black Death - Sean Bean holds the record

He is the only man to have been shot in the face by Batman through a book of Yeats poetry. So far.

It's true, you know.

Dredd - Possibly the nerdiest reference I've ever made

"I'm Queen Cersei! I'M QUEEN CERSEI!!!!!"

I merged "Game of Thrones," "Dredd," and the original series of "Star Trek." I win at nerd. The scary part is that were Cersei to actually split into two people like in the episode "The Enemy Within" where that happens to Kirk, Ma-Ma would be a pretty accurate portrayal of her evil side.

Skyfall - Adele is bad at pronouncing things

 Pro-tip for Adele: It's pronounced "Sky Fall." Not "Sky Fwallrrr"

Figuring out how to phonetically convey the irritating way that Adele pronounces certain words was quite difficult, but I think I did pretty good. I really can't stand her, though. Seriously, anybody else doing the song and it would have been awesome.

Dr. No - The doctor is needed in ICU

"Paging Dr. Crotchpound...you have an outside call on line 3. Dr. Crotchpound...line 3."

Thinking up horrendously over-the-top sexual metaphors for Bond girl names is actually pretty difficult. I settled on "Dr. Crotchpound" after "Dr. Quicklube" seemed too subtle.


So there you go. My favorite things in my blog of 2012. May 2013 be even more productive and hopefully funnier! I'll try my best! On the menu for this year will be more rants, more bad jokes, possibly a new series I'm thinking about where I stick up for movies everyone hates but I love, and more trilogies including the entire Bond filmography. And of course, as many movies as I can get my hands on. It's going to be a good year! EXCELSIOR!

Snow White and The Huntsman (2012)

Can one single aspect of a film ruin the entire experience? Is it possible to have one thing, one element of a movie be so bad, so truly retched, and so foul that nothing you can think of can justify its disregard?

I mean, Jar Jar Binks was bad, but can you in all honesty tell me that "Star Wars: Episode I" would have been any better without his inclusion? Well, the answer is "yes," but that doesn't mean that by excluding him, the movie would have suddenly become good as opposed to horrifying me to the very core of my soul. Would "Highlander 2" really have been saved after they took out "Zeist?" The Renegade Cut of the film showed us, "Of course not, you dolt." And Skids and Mudflap weren't in "Transformers 3," and that movie still sucked like a puncture wound to the lung. So it would seem that there's usually a bit more to it than just one thing.

But what insanity could possibly afflict a piece of cinema so completely, so fully, and in such an all-encompassing fashion as to be without hope?

 Oh. Oh god.

You know, I don't even know if I should even start with this. The fact that Kristen Stewart is a bad actress is fairly well done to death, and there's little that can be added to the argument. She's like moldy bread in that aspect. Everyone is pretty much in agreement that it sucks, and is something that should be promptly thrown away. However, there is a inexplicably large fan base of moldy bread enthusiasts who say that it's delicious and totally awesome and underrated.

I don't know why these people like moldy bread, but I have two theories that I'm working on. The first is that they were told by the writers of their favorite baked goods style fiction that moldy bread is totally awesome, and since they are such big fans of baked goods style fiction, they eat up whatever is given to them and say "yum." The second theory I have is that they are stupid.

However, there is a third possibility that there is some kind of benefit to moldy bread I have not discovered yet. I have a plan to test this theory, however. I think we should lock Kristen Stewart in a warm, moist cabinet somewhere until her desiccated remains produce penicillin.

This. This expression is the one she wears every. single. frame. of this film.

Upon seeing the trailer, "Snow White & The Huntsman" looked interesting to me at first. Although I'm a little tired of everything getting a "gritty" makeover lately, it seemed like a cool take on the classic fairy tale. And then Kristen Stewart's vacant, baggy-eyed, blank slate of a face showed up on screen to make me groan and instantly fear seeing it. But, the rest of the cast was made up of some pretty intense talent, so I figured that it was worth giving a shot.

What I ended up getting was an interesting conundrum that was pretty much exactly was I figured was going to happen. The movie was actually pretty good. In fact, everything about it was enjoyable, so much so that I would call it kind of awesome...

That is, everything except the main character.

This is the most egregious example I've seen of a movie with a lead character so wretched that they nearly bring the whole production down around them like a ruptured dam. Kristen Stewart gives a performance so wooden, so lifeless, and so uninterested that it becomes almost unwatchable any time she is on screen. She is a thumbtack in the tasty soup that is "Snow White & The Huntsman." She is the rat poison topping on the films otherwise delectable pizza. She is really is the worst actress in recent memory that I can think of, at least in mainstream Hollywood.

She just threw up in her mouth. She'll use that to convey emotion. She's not sure which one though, so she'll use it to convey ALL OF THEM.

But it wasn't only Stewart's terrible performance that I took issue with. My big issue was the character of Snow White herself, whom I will get to later.

"Snow White & The Huntsman" follows the classic story in a very loose fashion. Many of the basic ideas are still there, with an evil queen taking over the kingdom, and the princess Snow White is the only person who can stop her (more on THAT later). She escapes into exile and is helped by the 7 dwarfs, who join her in her fight to overthrow the queen. The Huntsman is a guy sent by the Queen to bring Snow White to her, but of course he betrays the Queen instantly because he can tell she's probably not the most scrupulous of people. Being an evil overlord of a country tends to lower the chances that people will trust you, after all.

The Queen is played by Charlize Theron, and my goodness, she is amazing. True, she acts hammier than a pig wrapped in bacon performing a Nicolas Cage monologue from "Deadfall," but there is something so intensely scary about her in this movie that she is probably the thing that people are going to remember most about it. One scene in particular that will serve for me as the quintessential moment for her character is the prerequisite monologue she gives during the final confrontation. As she is reviling in her own wickedness, she walks through a fire which begins burning her flesh, only to have it heal as she steps out again, like she's freaking Wolverine or something. It's an awesome effect in a movie with a lot of really good effects.

And mixed with the very well done backstory for the Queen, I had more emotional connection with her than I did for the blank slate that was Snow White.

Speaking of scary, Ian McShane, who is one of my favorite actors is also in "Snow White & The Huntsman," playing one of the dwarfs. I suppose he would be "Doc," although none of them have their old names. I honestly couldn't tell what any of their names were, however, since all of them were speaking in nearly undecipherable Scottish accents. There is a huge amount of talent among them, though. Aside from Ian McShane, Toby Jones, Ray Winstone, and the great Bob Hoskins, another one of my favorites, Nick Frost make up the cast of the dwarfs.

The effects used to make the dwarfs seem smaller also deserves mentioning as it was well done. I don't know if they used actually small people as stand ins or used CG to put the actor's faces over top of them, but it was all quite convincing. I was on the fence about the 7 dwarfs when I heard they were in this, but they ended up being the most enjoyable part of them film aside from Charlize Theron.

That is, until they gave Nick Frost and Ray Winstone a poop joke. Because that's dignified, especially during the climatic final battle scene. Nice timing there, movie.

Chris Hemsworth is also pretty sweet as the Huntsman, doing his best to channel his inner Colin Farrell. So overall the main cast is all quite good, of course with the exception of Stewart, and one other guy who deserves mentioning: Sam Spruell as Finn, the Queen's brother. Now, it's not that Spruell is necessarily bad, so to speak, it's just that...well, there's really no gentle way to say this so I guess I'm just going to have to come out and say it. He looks like Gary Busey dressed up as the Berries 'n Cream Lad.

Seriously, this is distracting.

With the cast being as overall strong as it is, the effects being quite well done, and the story being interesting and generally exciting, "Snow White & The Huntsman" is a pretty fun time, and it's really worth seeing just to see how much the movie does right. But that being said, now is the time I once again talk about the main character, and for once, I'm not going to talk about Kristen Stewart. This is talking about Snow White, and why I couldn't stand her as a character.

The problem with Snow White is that she is only exceptional because the story says she is exceptional. In this story, she is The Chosen One. She is the Kwisatz Haderach. She is Neo. She is any kind of messiah character you want to name. But the thing is, there is nothing exceptional about her besides that fact. And it's quite telling in the fact that she doesn't do one single solitary thing that any normal person couldn't have done (with one rather meaningless exception).

Most of the movie is simply Snow White being dragged around like a cardboard cutout or any kind of trophy you can name, while people struggle and fight and die around her, just so that she can make it. Her ascent to power is done on the backs of other people, without her doing much of anything besides showing up and going along for the ride.

And it's not like the movie didn't give them opportunity. I mentioned earlier the pointless scene were she does something special. It involves her going all Crocodile Dundee on a troll, because for some reason, possibly because it was in the Disney version, she has this spooky connection with animals. Now, do they actually do anything useful with that? Well, for that scene, yes, because she saves Chris Hemsworth's life, but at no point does that come back later. Why couldn't she have called on her animal friends to help in the final battle? A troll would have been a nice addition to their forces. But they don't do anything with the animals, which essentially makes that whole animal thing pointless.

 Hey, maybe you could use one of these things to fight for you. Just saying...

A perfect example of what I'm talking about is a scene early in the movie where a common peasant is captured and brought before the Queen. He manages to stab her in the stomach with a dagger, which she pulls out with no blood spilling from her wound. She is unharmed. Now spoiler alert here, but guess how Snow White kills the Queen? Take a guess.

She stabs her in the stomach with a dagger. Only this time, it works and she dies, simply because of the fact that it was Snow White that did it. This literally is the most significant thing that Snow White does in the entirety of the film, and some muddy backwoods hick did it an hour and a half earlier in the film. Only I guess he wasn't good enough for the movie.

This whole fatalistic view of the characters really rubs me the wrong way. It's so boring, and it's such a cop-out unless there is a character produced that is worthy of that predetermined destiny of "savior." It would be one thing if you told me that John McClane was destined to defeat Hans Gruber at Nakatomi Tower. It would be one thing if you told me that Conan was blessed by Crom to avenge himself against Tulsa Doom. Paul Atreides, Luke Skywalker, and even Harry Potter had a prophecy attached to them. And they all DID SOMETHING TO FULFILL IT.

Snow White just goes along for the ride and takes what everyone else says she should have. Just because the movie says she deserves it. What a crock of exceptionalist crap.

AND CLOSE YOUR DAMN MOUTH, YOU SLACK JAWED HACK!!!

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Snow White & The Huntsman" is not a bad movie, despite my complains about protagonists being worthy of the title of "main character." There is a lot in here to enjoy, and what it does well, it does very well. But be warned, if you can't stand Kristen Stewart, and recognize her for the blight on acting that she is, this will do nothing to change your mind about her. She nearly ruins the entire film. Nearly. It just goes to show how good the rest of it is when it manages to save itself from her awfulness. Recommended.