Starship Troopers: Invasion (2012)

The "Starship Troopers" series has never been a huge draw for me. The original Paul Verhoeven camp-fest was decent in its own ways, I suppose, but it didn't bowl me over and doesn't hold much nostalgic value for me either. Of course, after seeing the sequels I look at the original in an entirely new light since it can actually be called "a movie." Calling the sequels movies is akin to calling a Hot Pocket food. You know you can eat it, and you're pretty sure it won't kill you, but calling it food seems like an overly generous technicality.

"Starship Troopers 2: Hero of The Federation" was an interesting conundrum, as the first half is some of the most unwatchable garbage I've ever seen, but the second half introduced some interesting elements that, while still not that great, was a gigantic step up from earlier. It still sucked all around, but in its defense it was a split between horrible and half-way passable.

At least the next one, "Starship Troopers 3: Marauder" was so silly and poorly acted that it was unintentionally(?) funny. I will never forget the solider who meekly says to his commander "You're a bitch" after she slaps him. That was hilarious. And of course there was the computer that kindly informs the crew "The bug is big. We have lock." This was great for a couple reasons, first because the "Big Bug" is the size of a polar ice cap, so telling us it is big seems a touch unnecessary. The second reason is that the target of the "lock" they speak of is the planet they're orbiting. I just find it funny that they needed to lock on to a planet that they literally couldn't miss so long as they vaguely pointed the nose of the ship towards it.

With this one, I wasn't holding out too much hope. But so long as "Starship Troopers: Invasion" kept the action going and didn't get too silly or campy I figured it couldn't be too bad. And it being a Japanese made CGI film at least gave it a pass in having bad acting and dialogue. All of those CGI movies from Japan have bad acting and dialogue. I'm not faulting another one for doing what all the rest did too.

"That was too close. You were almost a Carmen sandwich!"

"Starship Troopers: Invasion" did in fact have bad dialogue and bad voice acting. But hey, that's par for the course. On the other hand, it did keep the action going (maybe too much so), and the animation was decent, particularly in how expressive the faces were. For some reason this is especially so in the case of Johnny Rico, the main character from the first film. Maybe it's because he's one of the only characters who isn't essentially "The Doom Guy," and is capable of showing a range of emotions greater than grunting and contracting his trigger finger.

"Starship Troopers: Invasion" seems very much like a video game adaption to be honest. Although considering what I've seen lately, if it were a video game adaptation it'd be one of the better efforts. The story concerns a Federation base that has been overrun by bugs. A team of troopers manages to blow up the installation and rescue survivors of another team, among them Major Henry "Hero" Varro, who functions as what can roughly be called our main protagonist. Kind of. It's hard to tell with a cast of characters this big and interchangeable. It's almost like the team as a collective is the main character, which is cool since it's more realistic and sucks at the same time, since it has a tendency to make each character feel very expendable and anonymous.

Once the rescue is complete, Hero is put in charge of the team. Of course he is. His nickname is "Hero." They are then tasked with retrieving the ship John A. Warden, which has gone off the grid. On board is Carl Jenkins (Neil Patrick Harris' character from the first film), and it is suspected that he has done something exceedingly silly and dangerous, since well, he looks freaking evil.

Seriously, look at this guy. He's a Metal Gear Solid villain.

Naturally once aboard the John A. Warden things go belly-up for the team very quickly. There's not a small amount of Dead Space-type atmosphere going on, what with the exploration of a spooky derelict spacecraft and such. There isn't much time for exploration however, since as expected they soon encounter waves upon waves upon WAVES of bugs, and "Starship Troopers: Invasion" turns into something like watching over someone's shoulder as they play an arcade shooter. An entertaining arcade shooter, to be sure, but one can't overlook the fact that it is pretty wash-rinse-repeat.

Where's Calhoun when you need her?

That's the first of two significant problems with "Starship Troopers: Invasion." I won't begrudge the film for being action-packed. That's what we signed on for. The problem comes from the fact that there isn't enough variety to the action. They walk down a corridor. They see bugs coming down the hall. Someone yells "FIRE!" and makes a war face. They shoot 17,500 bullets down the hallway but they never EVER need to reload. Lots of bugs and maybe one anonymous trooper die. They continue down the hallway, or run back the way they came depending on whether or not there's too many bugs. That's most of the movie.

The second problem is that the troopers are the absolute height of anonymity. The main reason for this are the outfits they wear. In combat they all have their helmets on, which completely cover their faces. The only way to tell who you are looking at is to try and read the name stenciled on the armor, right below the neck. In addition to being difficult to read when the characters are moving, sometimes this isn't even possible since you don't always see their front, and when they are shooting they have a nasty tendency to aim their guns, which means their arms cover up the name.

"Johnson. Take point."

"I'm Anderson, sir. He's Johnson."

"Wait, you're Anderson? I thought that guy was Anderson."

"No, that guy's Hanks, sir."

"Look, somebody just take point."

"Why are you giving orders, Rodriguez? You're the APC driver."

"I'm not Rodriguez! I'm Sgt. Adams!"

"Really? I thought Adams got killed in that last hallway back there."

"No, that was Bill."

"What? Oh man, not Bill! I thought it was Adams. That guy sucks."

"HEY!"

You know, I don't even get the point of all that armor anyway. It seems to me that there was not one single instance in not only this, but every single "Starship Troopers" movie in which the soldiers' armor did anything useful. It provides about as much resistance to the bugs' claws as Reddi-Whip topping. Even the head-to-toe power armor here did absolutely nothing to help them. I'm just wondering why they would even bother. At least in "Aliens" the armor saved someone's life once. Yeah, it was the only time that proved to be the case, and the armor was toast afterwards, but the acid that hit Hicks would have straight up killed him had he not had that on. In this movie though, if a bug gets near you, you're dead. What's the point?

Now is all of this done poorly? No, it's not. It's actually done pretty well, and for a movie that could have been ripped straight from the script of any random brain-dead FPS video game, it plays it fairly realistically. This is especially true in how it handles certain plot elements and expectations you may have with a story like this, and it really likes to play with cliches. This makes it a pretty unpredictable movie in terms of who is going to make it, and has a lot of hidden realism which may seem unsatisfying until you think about it.

For instance, in the beginning of the film one of the troopers gets his arm crushed. They have to amputate it and replace it with a biotic arm. Then, on the John A. Warden, the same solider gets that same arm bitten by a bug, which then rips it off. You're thinking to yourself "Ah ha! That was lucky. I see what they did there." But here's the thing - it doesn't help him. He bleeds out and dies. At first you think to yourself "Well then what the hell was the point of the biotic arm then, if you're just going to kill him by ripping it off? It wouldn't have mattered if he had a fake arm either way!" And it irritates you until you realize that it's...just like real life. Like if you had a biotic arm which was grafted into your body and muscles and bone and nerve endings just straight up ripped out of you, you'd be in really bad shape. Guess they got me there.

Chekhov's...arm?

Another side story with Trig, the squad's sniper, seems horrendously cliche and predictable when it's first laid out. She gives some awkwardly placed backstory (but everything with the acting is pretty awkward honestly) which guarantees that you know she ain't making it to the end credits alive. And guess what? She doesn't. I don't even feel bad about spoiling that for you because there's no way you'd think she's living after the story she tells. And that's too bad because she was also one of my favorite characters. But what was interesting was what happens after she dies. Because while the resolution of that story, like the fake arm thing, seems like a total pointless let-down, it's realistic. In fact it would have been far more cliched to bring it about to the conclusion you were expecting. Once again, they got me there.

Then again, the trooper attempting to kung-fu one of the bugs plays out just about as expected. That was really funny, actually.

"No dude. I'm for real. Just Bruce Lee-backhand a bug. It'll work. Trust me."

THE BOTTOM LINE - "Starship Troopers: Invasion" isn't as bad as I feared it was going to be. Despite not starting off well, it gets better as it goes. I just wish the characters were a bit more recognizable in their armor. That's really the biggest problem I had with it. It may not be a great movie, but it's at least a hell of a lot better than the sequels. That's not saying much, true, but it's a step in the right direction.

Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

Sure. Why the hell not? I've seen all the other "Resident Evil" films. I guess I'll watch this one. But it's not like it's going to make a difference one way or the other. This will suck just like the rest.

There comes a point when watching video game movies that I just have to wonder what in the hell the people making these films are doing. It can't be that hard to make a film out of these things. Just play the damn game, write down what happens and you've got your script. Easiest thing ever, right? All the hard work is done for you. Why the makers of the "Resident Evil" films thought that the thing a horror game about crippling tension and nerve shattering atmosphere was missing was wire-fu and Milla Jovovich with super-powers is beyond me, but then again I'm not a professional. I'm just a guy who played the damn game. What do I know?

Then again, the plot to the "Resident Evil" games did get titanically stupid and impossible to follow really quick, and to be honest they kinda suck too. So I guess they've got me there. Whatever, I know how this works. Just start with the endless waves of zombies getting shot, Albert Wesker being a huge ham, me not having the slightest clue what's going on and Milla Jovovich being strategically almost naked. Let's get this over with. I've got places to be.

Okay. I'll bite. Why did they dress you in a sheet of parchment paper? What possible purpose does that serve? Keeping you warm? Or are you dressed up for Halloween as a sexy piece of loose-leaf?

We begin "Resident Evil: Retribution" with...*sigh*...okay wait. I got something to say before we go any further. You ready for this? It's the first review of 2013, and I'm already about to once again drop some funky fresh science.

It's time for "LESSONS WITH PROFESSOR PAT"

Pictured above - A man with a mustache.

LESSON #75 - "Try harder at movie titles!"

There are several ways to go about naming sequels to films. The easiest, most logical method is obviously numbering them in chronological order. This is rare. If you do this, you are awesome. Everyone knows the order of the films without any question, and they can easily discuss them without having to add qualifiers to differentiate between films. Most people end up doing this anyway, even if the movies aren't numbered (eg - People refer to "Rocky Balboa" as "Rocky 6" because it makes sense, damn it.)

If, on the other hand, you use one of the inexcusably abused and worn out verb-ish sounding nouns to throw on the end of your film's title that sound epic but ultimately mean nothing such as Revolution, Revelations, Extinction, Retribution, Salvation, Apocalypse, The Beginning, or The Revenge, you suck and need to try harder. Extraordinarily rarely do these words have anything to do with the movie they are attached to, and all it does is to make me assume right out of the gate that it will suck. If it's called "Revolution" have a damn revolution in it. If it's called "Extinction" or "Apocalypse" everything had better die at the end. "The Beginning" had better not EVER have another movie set before it. Somebody better get saved in "Salvation." And "Revelations" had damn well better reveal a LOT of stuff.

If not, you're just throwing on a cliched, dumb word at the end like a lazy bastard that doesn't care. And if you can't be bothered to even think up a decent title, what hope does the rest of the film have?

/science drop

Back to the movie. "Retribution" finds us moving backwards as the entire opening scene, where Umbrella attacks the cargo vessel Alice (Milla Jovovich) is on, is played in slow-motion reverse during the opening credits. While it's interesting seeing explosions and people being shot in that way, it gets old pretty quick and is confusing. This is especially so when get to "the end" of the scene, when it then plays the entire scene again forward at normal speed. Why they do this I have no idea. I'm sure it was just a gimmick to use for the 3D in the theaters. Glad I'm watching it on my TV in 2D. Really makes it pop.

Wow. It's like I'm right there.

After that thoroughly confusing debacle we find Alice in suburbia reenacting the opening of the remake of "Dawn of The Dead." While it's nice to see "Resident Evil" finally look like a zombie film after five freaking movies, it's clear that everything is not what it seems and it won't last, as Alice has a husband and daughter, and Rain (Michelle Rodriguez) is now alive after being dead since the first one.

Sure enough, Alice "dies" and we find out it's all a simulation or that was a clone or both or neither or something and there's a deaf kid and I have no idea what's going on here in this damn movie. Alice wakes up (strategically naked, naturally) in a white room where this disembodied voice keeps asking her questions and then hurting her with sound when she doesn't answer, but after a while they just let her go and give her leather bondage clothes which just happen to be there in a hidden compartment in the white room for some reason. I guess it's for the same reason the scientists in "Underworld Awakening" kept Kate Beckinsale's clothes right next to her tube even though they never intended to release her. Ever. Whatever. Alice then shoots zombies.

Lots of zombies.

It's all another simulation, of course. Kind of. Not really. Alice is actually in an underwater Umbrella facility in the Arctic which was made to showcase...something? Wesker's hologram explains at one point that it was made to play the world's superpowers off against each other, as there are several "stages" including Moscow and Suburbia USA and Tokyo, which are meant to show how effective a zombie outbreak would be in totally wrecking the place in the hopes that country would then buy the virus from them. Personally I think that seems like a colossal waste of time and money to spend on a huge facility which exists only to make probably about as much money as it cost to make the damn thing in the first place. Also, correct me if I'm wrong but didn't Umbrella just release the virus anyway?

And another thing. Why does an EEEEEEEVAL corporation like Umbrella, which is seemingly bent on destroying the world at all interested in money? They've killed nearly everyone on Earth. Who's there to control with that money and power? It's like stockpiling devices that will place pandas under your command and calling yourself Supreme Master of The Panda Empire. There's less than 2,000 of them left on the planet. Who cares?

Out of nowhere we get characters from the games appearing to infiltrate the base and I think rescue Alice. I'm not sure, actually. My memory for these movies is so bad, and I'm so lost as to the plot that I can't even remember if characters like Barry and Leon and Ada were even in the other films. And frankly I don't care. Whatever. Zombies carry guns now, there's a really big monster chasing them, Barry has an annoying face and Leon looks like one of the nihilists from "The Big Lebowski."

God, I wish I was watching "Logjammin'" right now.

It's really amazing that I have absolutely no idea what's going on when every single line of dialogue in this movie is exposition. It's not enough to show us anything, because we don't know what anything is here. No, everything needs to be explained to us as well, by characters who already know what they're looking at and would never need to say anything about it. And yet, despite all of that clunky dialogue, it's still a useless nightmare piecing anything together. It's a testament to how insanely convoluted this plot is, and how intimate your knowledge of these games with even more convoluted plots needs to be in order to understand anything. It reminded me of "The Last Airbender" in that way.

It's really best to not even better with making sense of anything. Just watch Milla and a bunch of other dudes with big guns shoot things. And does "Retribution" do that well? I guess so. It's nothing overly special but I can't say it didn't deliver in terms of making the heads of various things explode with bullets. So I guess in those terms you can't call it a total wash.

It also feels more like an actual video game than the other films did as the base feels like a variety of stages to get through, which while normally a point in a video game movie's favor is something of a detriment since it really drives home the point that there really isn't much holding this thing together besides advancing to "the next level." On the other hand, the end feels like a movie since it is purely Hollywood sequel-baiting. I love how movies like this can never have a self-contained ending.

Take all that for what it's worth. If you want a bunch of zombies getting shot up, sure. Watch "Resident Evil: Retribution." There's so much better movies for that, though. Right off the top of my head I could say "28 Weeks Later." However, that film didn't have a scene were Milla Jovovich has to show Michelle Rodriguez how to use a gun. That was pathetically funny. Michelle could be armed with a banana and come off as more of a hardass than Milla could.

Also, someone needs to tell Milla to work on her upper body strength so those guns don't shake when she lifts them. Come on.

And who the hell got any Retribution in this thing? It should have been called "Resident Evil: Escape." THAT would have made some sense.

THE BOTTOM LINE - There aren't too many positive things I have to say about "Resident Evil: Retribution" except to say that it's better than the second and third films. It's got some decent action, the sets are sometimes creative and neat, and there's some interesting visual designs going on with the settings. Other than that it's just a forgettable action movie with characters impossible to care about. Unless you're a big fan of the others, in which case it will probably be decently entertaining.

My Favorite Entries of 2012

Favorite Entries

I felt that it would be fun to go back and highlight my personal favorite entries of 2012. I thought most were pretty good, some not so much, but a few I found myself exceptionally proud of. In no particular order, here they are!

Snow White & The Huntsman
I really liked how concise I was in getting to the root of why this film bugged me. I felt my analysis of why Snow White as a character does nothing worth calling her a savior figure, let alone the title character was well done, and I always enjoy whenever I can really deconstruct a film from an intellectual standpoint. And to be honest I can't recall hearing anyone else bringing a lot of these points up.

Overall I think this is objectively my best written "review" of the year as it were, and I had fun writing it. It's just a lot more fun to talk about the inner workings of the plot and character motivations than simply trashing Kristen Stewart over and over again. Although that is therapeutic, I'm not going to lie.

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies
This was a pretty solid entry by itself, as it had a reasonable review of the film which focused more on how well it accomplished what it set out to do rather than saying "It was a cheap knockoff so it sucked" like most people would. But the big thing that made this entry memorable was the fact that Bill Oberst Jr. himself, the actor who played Lincoln in the film, left a very nice comment on it and even linked it on his Twitter, which got me a good number of views. Not too long after that David Harland Rousseau, the 2nd AD also left a comment in which he even gave a little behind-the-scenes info that was really cool to hear. This blew my damn mind.

I can't tell you have exciting it was to have the star of the movie you just wrote about in your tiny, insignificant blog not only read it, but was so nice as to leave a comment on it. I'm still stunned when I think about it. Bill Oberst Jr. is a class act, not only from that but also from interviews I've listened to. He's not only a very good actor, but he seems like a really cool dude, and I can only assume that he stumbles across my blog every once in a while, since he left another very nice comment on "Lincoln." I can't tell you how big of a smile that puts on my face. That's freaking awesome. I can't wait to see Bill show up on my TV screen again.

The Room
I love how dramatic I made the lead in to this one. It was so over-the-top and epic over something that is just this silly movie that manages to be so pathetic that it's hilarious. That's all it is. It's just an exceptionally bad movie. But I led into that like it was a summoning of Yog-Sothoth or something. It's also one of my funnier entries, I think. It cracked me up anyway, and I had a lot of fun with the pictures. Any time I can use the "You are tearing me apart, Lisa!" picture twice is a good time. And even I must admit that was a pretty good "Silence of The Lambs" reference in there.

Hugo
One of my favorite things that I've done in any entry this year was to take the dozen most significant characters in this film and one by one explain what, if anything, they had to do with the plot. All but three of them were shown to be absolutely unnecessary to the story. I defy anyone to explain to me why this film deserved 5 Oscars. I mean, besides the fact that now they're terrified not to give Scorsese every one they can possibly give him since they feel bad that he went so long without them. Enjoy your pity Oscars, Martin. You sure earned it.

American Warships
I love running gags, and the "How Many Carl Weathers References Can I Make" game I thought was a stroke of near genius. I love Carl, and it was so much fun (and surprisingly easy) to make joke after joke about other movies he's been in. But then again, I can fit a "Predator" line into any conversation given enough time. It's a talent. But I was also very pleased with the "Arrested Development" joke I got in there. This was a fun entry. Good times.

ATM
This was a great example of what happens when I'm unleashed on a crap movie. Tearing this one apart was actually somewhat difficult and annoying to do, not because it was a good movie but because "ATM" had made me so mad so often that I didn't even know what to say half the time besides I HATE THIS MOVIE, and I was resistant to even think back on it to remember what had happened. I think I made it into a pretty entertaining read, though.

Man On A Ledge
Like "ATM," this is a good example of what goes through my mind when watching a movie. Read all those rambling questions that I had for it at the end. That's just a small percentage of what goes on inside this stupid, nitpicky brain of mine all the time. I can't help it. And yes, it does ruin many a film you could label as "brainless entertainment" for me, unless it stars Bruce Campbell or something. And yes, it can be annoying but I actually find it fun to tear apart garbage like "Man On A Ledge." And hey, I thought the entry was pretty funny, too. Terrible film, however.

Lockout
Another fun entry I cracked myself up with fairly consistently. My favorite part is the section where I dissect the prisoner escape scene step by step to show why everything about it and the film is absolutely ludicrous. Also, the phrase "Odin's Mighty Butthole" is glorious. That's all me. That's a Pat Jackson original. I'm quite proud.

You know, I just thought of something. Why do they call it "Lockout?" What does that even mean in context to the film?

Poltergeist
Just a really good entry throwing down a pretty solid case as to the problems I have with a film considered by most to be a stone-cold classic. Also, I fit in a fantastic "Predator" reference, and the most obscure nod to MST3K ever. Seriously, I don't know how anyone could catch the MST3K joke. (And it's not the picture I have down below, either.)

Kung Pow! Enter The Fist
This was one of the easiest entries to write, and I love when that happens. "Kung Pow!" Is one of my favorite comedies, and writing a love letter to it was so natural I barely had to think about it. This one puts a smile on my face. I also love the whole introduction where I'm writing like I am completely ashamed for loving it, and my credibility is going to shoot completely to hell, but I just can't bring myself to lie. A good bit of writing, I thought.

Dressing Women In Armor
The first in what I'm hoping to turn into a series of rants about various things that I find worth talking about in film. This one was unsurprisingly inspired by "Snow White & The Huntsman." I took a long time with writing this one, as I felt I needed to be very careful with the language I chose out of fear of being misinterpreted, and I think it paid off because I think it's a well reasoned point. I've got a few more ideas for rants on the back-burner already, and I hope to turn it into a semi-regular thing.

Favorite Captions

One of my favorite aspects of writing this blog are the picture captions. I initially got the idea from Cracked.com and Spoony's written reviews, and I think it really does a lot for the flow of the entry and the humor I try to inject. Sometimes it works better than others, and sometimes I crack myself the hell up. Again in no particular order, these are my favorite picture caption jokes of 2012!

Abduction - Poor George Lazenby

Relationships in spy movies ALWAYS end well.

Possibly the most obscure reference I made this year. What? You don't remember the end of "On Her Majesty's Secret Service?"

Anonymous - Nicolas Cage does Shakespeare

"To be or NOT THE BEES! AAAAAAHHHH!!!"

I am SO proud of this one, you guys. I can't believe I've never heard anyone else make this joke because it's freaking golden.

Session 9 - CSI: Danvers

"Looks like I'm fighting...the institution."

This is a twofer, since the real punchline is the YEEEEAH! at the bottom. I do love a good "CSI: Miami" stinger. By the way, that is the actual hospital the movie was filmed at. And yes, I'd watch the hell out of "CSI: Danvers."

Immortals - Stephen Doriff's war face

If you stuck a ferret in a bag of garbage and swung it over your head for 20 minutes, then opened up the bag, this is what you would see looking out at you.

Of all the captions that I've cracked myself up with, this is hands down my favorite. I giggle like an idiot every damn time.

The Adventures of Tin Tin - Taking one for the team

"Please, Captain. I know your liver is the size of a boogie board and the consistency of a used grease rag, but for the good of the plot and sake of the world, we need you to shotgun that last sixer of Pabst..."

The runner-up for making myself laugh. I love how it quickly turns from heroic to the lowest of brows. The look of terror on his face is also great. I also just love the phrase "sixer of Pabst." Classy.

Casablanca - Bogey smokes with science

"You know, Paul, I'm actually smoking 3 cigarettes right now. I've discovered Quantum Smoking."

I have no idea if I used the term "quantum" in anything close to an applicable way here, but it's still funny. I'm just imagining Bogey using science to smoke every cigarette in the world at once.

Poltergeist - Kevin Bacon's tour de force

Kevin Bacon IS JoBeth Williams as Sally Field in "Sybil 2: The Reckoning"

This is a reference to my undying love for "Mystery Science Theater 3000." And she does look like Kevin Bacon in drag.

Lockout - Guy likes apples

"Uh...something witty...um...how do ya like THEM apples...supplements...damn it, CUT! Gimme a minute...damn it...apples...come on, Guy, THINK!"

Ever wonder what would happen if a smarmy, annoying, overly sarcastic action hero ever stumbled over one of his endless one-liners? I do. This is probably what would happen to me if I tried it.

ATM - Ice fishin' wid' da guys

"Jerry, I don't see nothin'!"

"No, jus' kip lookin' dare. Does'r'sum noice crappies right in dare."

"Oh yah, Jerry, now I sees 'em. Oh yah, dem's good eatin's."

You see, the joke is that it looks like a photo of a Yooper sticking his head in an ice fishing hole to look for fish while his buddy, Jerry, points them out to him. But it's really a photo of a guy about to bash another person's head in with a tire iron. That's just good comedy.

Black Death - Sean Bean holds the record

He is the only man to have been shot in the face by Batman through a book of Yeats poetry. So far.

It's true, you know.

Dredd - Possibly the nerdiest reference I've ever made

"I'm Queen Cersei! I'M QUEEN CERSEI!!!!!"

I merged "Game of Thrones," "Dredd," and the original series of "Star Trek." I win at nerd. The scary part is that were Cersei to actually split into two people like in the episode "The Enemy Within" where that happens to Kirk, Ma-Ma would be a pretty accurate portrayal of her evil side.

Skyfall - Adele is bad at pronouncing things

 Pro-tip for Adele: It's pronounced "Sky Fall." Not "Sky Fwallrrr"

Figuring out how to phonetically convey the irritating way that Adele pronounces certain words was quite difficult, but I think I did pretty good. I really can't stand her, though. Seriously, anybody else doing the song and it would have been awesome.

Dr. No - The doctor is needed in ICU

"Paging Dr. Crotchpound...you have an outside call on line 3. Dr. Crotchpound...line 3."

Thinking up horrendously over-the-top sexual metaphors for Bond girl names is actually pretty difficult. I settled on "Dr. Crotchpound" after "Dr. Quicklube" seemed too subtle.


So there you go. My favorite things in my blog of 2012. May 2013 be even more productive and hopefully funnier! I'll try my best! On the menu for this year will be more rants, more bad jokes, possibly a new series I'm thinking about where I stick up for movies everyone hates but I love, and more trilogies including the entire Bond filmography. And of course, as many movies as I can get my hands on. It's going to be a good year! EXCELSIOR!

Top 10 Movies of 2012

2012 was a year of great expectations. I had predicted that after the tepid offerings of 2011, the blockbusters scheduled for this year had the potential to be fantastic. And thankfully that turned out to (mostly) be the case. There were few big titles that disappointed, which was a nice change of pace.

On the other hand, that means that this year's list is going to contain fewer than the normal amount of weird, smaller movies nobody had heard of, something that I usually take pride in. I swear it's not on purpose, but between the big movies actually being decent for a change, combined with the fact that my overall movie consumption is less than usual for this year since this blog keeps me from devouring everything on the shelf like I normally do, I'm guessing most people have at least heard of the majority of these films.

Sorry, I'll try to be snootier in the coming year. It's a promise. On with the Top 10 Best Movies of 2012! (plus an honorable mention)

Honorable Mention: Brave
Pixar's latest effort caught me off guard with a movie I actually really liked a lot. I found the characters and story far more likable than their average fare, and I had a very good time with it despite myself. I'm still not a huge fan of Pixar, but I always give credit where I feel credit is due. "Brave" is probably my new favorite Pixar film.

And once again, I must commend "Brave" for having a fairy tale story about a young girl which doesn't feature a love interest at any point. I can't describe how refreshing that is.

10. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
I'm not going to lie to you. "The Hobbit" is going on this list purely out of fanboyism. I can't help myself. Was it a great movie on par with "The Lord of The Rings" films? No. Did that matter? Not to me. It's still "The Hobbit." And I am such a huge mark for it that there's no way I'm not loving every bit of it.

Look, I won't blow smoke up your collective asses and be dishonest. This movie had its issues. The biggest thing being the fact that it's an hour too long for no good reason. Had that been fixed it would have been WAY higher on the list. But despite my nerd-love for "The Hobbit," I can't bring myself to place it higher. There are just too many problems with the pacing. But it was still awesome despite all of those problems, and it still deserves a spot on my Top 10 of 2012.

Now, just wait until "The Desolation of Smaug" and we're talking guaranteed Top 3 spots! At least. I'm calling it right now. That movie...you just have no idea how awesome it's going to be.

9. The Flowers of War
This is the only movie on this list that I can't say I had a fun time at. "The Flowers of War" is a slog to get through. It's rough. It's brutal. Horrible, awful, unthinkable, "Schindler's List" level, tear-inducing things happen in this film. It's enough to make you cry. It's enough to make you not want to watch anymore. It's enough to make you want to retch. And my goodness was it amazing.

This isn't lite watching by any means. But if you can stomach it, and I recommend you do, you'll understand why it made my Best of The Year list. It deserves it. Any movie that is that powerful and moving is doing a lot of things right. Even if those things aren't things you'd ever, ever want to see. The scenes from "The Flowers of War" that have been burned into my mind are never going to leave. I can't say I would have willingly chosen to have them there, but I'm glad I saw such moving images that left such a strong impression.

8, Wreck-It Ralph
One of the bigger surprises for me this year came in the form of John C. Reilly as a video game character in "Wreck-It Ralph." I wasn't holding out high hopes for this one, but it ended up being both charming, well written, very entertaining and funny as hell. Much like "Bolt," another film from Walt Disney Animation Studios that I really like, "Wreck-It Ralph" also managed to be touching and heartbreaking at times without ever feeling like we were being overtly manipulated into it. On top of everything else, it's also a gorgeous flick.

Also, having been a gamer for many a year, this was a nostalgic kick to the spine that dropped references that only 30-somes like me would get. I mean, when's the last time you saw a "Metal Gear Solid" reference in a movie? I love when stuff is catered towards me!

7. The Grey
This tale of Liam Neeson in the woods trying to save himself and a small group of plane crash survivors from a vicious, extremely territorial pack of wolves in Alaska was part "Heart of Darkness," part "Alive" (only good) and part "Jaws." It's also a moving tale of courage and personal strength in the face of overwhelming odds and crippling despair.

Is it even possible to survive something like this? Probably not. Is the fight worth it? Maybe. Is that the point? No. Will it mean everything if you look despair in the eye, spit at its feet and sneer "Do your worst, you son of a bitch" even while standing on the edge of the cliff? Absolutely.

6. Skyfall
After the crushing disappointment that was "Quantum of Solace," the odds were not in Bond's favor with "Skyfall." Leave it to Sam Mendes to bring Bond back to the forefront of ass-kicking with what was the most ass-kickingist Bond movie since Pierce Brosnan's debut in "GoldenEye."

"Skyfall" was a grand-slam-in-the-bottom-of-the-9th success in every way that I can think of. Even the last half hour, which I thought did the film a disservice by going more Jason Bourne than James Bond was still awesome, despite my complaints. We also got the first memorable villain since "GoldenEye" with Javier Bardem, playing the only Bond villain that I can recall seeming like he was threatening to sexually molest 007. It was a fun time.

This is just what the Bond franchise needed. Now they need to do exactly that again. Forever.

5. Looper
Like there's any way the best time travel movie I've seen since "12 Monkeys" isn't going on this list. "Looper" is just as twisty-turney in the genre it occupies at any given moment as the plot that it weaves, and twists and turns it has a-plenty. What's amazing is that as often as it changes, so drastically so that if you were to watch the beginning and the end there's a good chance you'd think they were different films aside from the cast, it never once doesn't make total sense or feel out of place.

If there was a guy looking to take up the mantel of "The Next Christopher Nolan," director Rian Johnson is it. I can't wait to see what he does next. If "Looper" is any indication, whatever it is, it's going to blow our minds.

4. The Dark Knight Rises
The final chapter in Christopher Nolan's superb Batman trilogy was a movie that was met with some, let's be gentle and say "mixed" reactions. In actuality it was closer to "half the audience loved it and the other half wanted to burn down Hollywood over it." It's always normal to have backlash to any highly anticipated movie, but people seemed really viciously torn over this one. I don't understand why because I thought "The Dark Knight Rises" was a towering, powerful end to one of my favorite film series. I loved it, despite some problems with pacing, which is why it isn't higher on the list.

This film was a big bite out of a huge sandwich, maybe a little too big to be sure, and there's a lot to chew. There's a lot of character stuff going on, and it's less about Batman than it is Gotham as a whole. But that didn't seem out of place to me. Gotham has always been what Batman was fighting for the whole time. And thematically it's appropriate since a large aspect of the story is dealing with how the people of Gotham are going to function without Batman. You think Bruce Wayne wanted to have to protect Gotham forever? No, he wanted them to not have to need him. This isn't Batman being pushed out of the picture, this is his story coming full circle. This was the point this whole time, if you care to pay attention to the two films that came before.

And I don't care what you say. Bane was amazing. And I understood him perfectly fine. Ya'll need your hearing checked. Or maybe go to a theater with decent sound.








How did it come to this? Here we stand, at the turn of the tide. We now come to the TOP 3 OF 2012. In a year of much anticipation, there were some ups and there were some downs - but which 3 films were solid enough to make the upper echelon? One had me doing one of the biggest nerd-outs I've ever done over it, another I just assumed was going to be incredible (and I was right), while another was actually a complete surprise. Which ones? Let's do it! Here's what I consider the absolute best of what 2012 had to offer!

3. Prometheus
Few movies this year, well besides TDKR, was as divisive as "Prometheus" was. Ridley Scott's return to sci-fi was met with high expectations and intense backlash as it turned out to be, to the OUTRAGE of fans of the "Alien" franchise, something that was unthinkable! It was...brace yourselves, children...

A SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE.

Gasp! Do you mean to tell me that Ridley Scott had the temerity to make a film with huge, bold ideas that may not have any easy answers, which takes its time in actually setting up an atmosphere to portray and develop the futuristic world it takes place in, and has a grand sense of discovery and exploration, and leaves you with more questions than answers, in other words "great science fiction" instead of simply remaking "Aliens" and calling it a day?! What a travesty!

I seriously don't understand the rage that "Prometheus" inspired. I hate to sound like a snob (okay that's a lie) but honestly, if you're one of the people who hated "Prometheus," I seriously don't know what you were expecting. Was it "Alien?" If that's the case, you got it as the plot is essentially the same in its barest elements. Was it "Aliens?" Then just watch "Aliens." Don't tell me that's what you really wanted, either, because then you'd call it derivative. Did you just want "a sci-fi movie?" THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT. I hate to break this phrase out, but I have to assume the people complaining just didn't "get it." This movie is fantastic, and a wonderful, brainy addition to the "Alien" franchise. I can't wait to see where it goes next.

(And by the way, as to the complaint that the scientists "act stupid," all I have to say is "I'm the first person on an unexplored planet uncovering what may be the secret to not only how human life began, but I'm the first son of a bitch to encounter AN ALIEN GOD DAMN LIFEFORM. Quick! Let me hide in my room and not go anywhere, do anything, or perform any acts of exploration and discovery, or in other words why I came here." And remember, it's not like they know they're in a horror film.) I think this may deserve it's own entry on exploring the misdirected hate.

2. Django Unchained
Come on. It's freaking Quentin Tarantino. The man is the sugar to my Kool Aide. The vodka to my martini. The cheese to my Royale. You think he's not making an appearance on here? I'm not sure where I'd rank "Django Unchained" next to the rest of his films, since they all shine in their own way but still feel very similar, but it's up there among his best, I think. It's probably his most streamlined, least self-indulgent outing, which may relieve most and disappoint a select few others. At least, it certainly flies by faster than the others despite being the longest movie he's made at nearly 3 hours.

Tarantino always populates his movies with the most incredible cast you can imagine, and here is no different. Seeing Christoph Waltz give another Oscar nomination assured performance was no surprise, but what was a surprise was seeing Leonardo DiCaprio actually stealing the show from Waltz to give what I thought was easily the performance of his career. While everyone in "Django Unchained" was a superstar, both of these guys made it worth seeing by themselves. Easily.

And that's without the rest of the movie being a solid-gold home run. Which it was.






And the best movie I saw in 2012 was...

1. ParaNorman
Much like "The Muppets" last year and "Coraline" in 2009, my top film of the year ended up being the one that made me feel the best. "ParaNorman" is a loving tribute to horror and bloody exploitation grindhouse films, while maintaining a PG rating and a charming sense of humor. Shockingly, this works in a fantastic fashion.

Putting an ear-to-ear smile on my face for an hour and a half is not an easy task. I am a notorious sourpuss when it comes to most movies. "ParaNorman," though, this was all smiles from beginning to end. Well, smiles except when I was squirming in my seat going "EEEEEWWW!!! NO!!! HAHA!! OH NO!" at a corpse licking someone, picking my jaw off the ground both during a shockingly dark reveal at the end of the second act and a satisfyingly intense climax, and pointing at the screen and laughing my fool head off over the fact that there was a "Manos: The Hands of Fate" reference, and other various things of that nature that made this film an absolute delight.

I loved every second of "ParaNorman." It would make a fantastic double-feature with "Coraline," which is an idea so awesome that I may have to do that sometime soon. I still think "Coraline" is the better film, but "ParaNorman" wins out on the humor. But any movie I'm able to even put in the same sentence comparatively as "Coraline" is one that is going to hold a special place for me forever, because that's not something that happens often. Mostly it's relegated to every time Laika does another stop-motion film.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go watch something where the zombie eats someone's brains...